How do I respond to my friend's comments?

[IsaDrennansoitis]

Sorry, I wasn't sure where to put this and I am not brave enough for AIBU.

My mum passed away 6 months ago after years of living with Alzheimer’s.

I miss her so much, but have never been the type to grieve publicly.

I have two really close friends who have also lost their mothers, so we have helped each other through the months (years in their cases) after death.

We were out together a few nights ago & one of them was talking about her late mum, then said to me, "I notice you didn't post on fb on mothers day."

I said no, I was barely holding it together tbh and I wasn't even online that day.

She nodded to my other friend and said "we were just saying it seemed very odd, your first year without your mum and no acknowledgement."

I said everyone grieves differently, don't think I wasn't thinking of her.

Then the other friend said
"and as I said to (nodding at other friend) you have had a lot of losses this year, it's bound to harden you..."

I'm not hard, I am dealing with loss and stress in my family and it felt like my two (really genuinely close friends, friends from primary school and from home) were saying I wasn't grieving right and that they'd been discussing it behind my back.

I felt uncomfortable and left shortly after that.

I have never felt like this before, never felt like they'd been talking about me or judging me.

I want to address it, but I don't know how. Is it even worth it?

We are due to meet for a specific event this weekend and I find myself for the first time ever trying to think of a way to get out of going.

Has anyone any ideas?

I’m so sorry for your loss op.

I think these things are best addressed in the moment but I can understand why you were too shocked to do so op. Your friends were extremely tactless.

I would keep the message very simple and very honest.

“I’m sorry but I don’t want to come this weekend as I found the comments you made the other evening about the nature of my grief for my late mother very upsetting. I know you probably didn’t intend be cruel but to suggest that I am “hardened” and to judge the depth of my grief based based on whether I posted on sm or not, was not only totally incorrect but felt very hurtful.”

When and if they respond you could add,

“To discover you have both been discussing me in this way behind my back was rather surprising and unpleasant. We all grieve very differently, and I would ask you to please respect that. The truth is that I am still beside myself with grief for my mum but I shouldn’t have to justify or explain how I grieve to you or anyone else.”

When my beloved mum died, a friend of mine asked who I would moan about now that she's gone. I was too taken aback to say anything, but I wish I had.

Some people are insensitive jerks. I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

Im so sorry for your loss.
When I lost my dad, my mum expected I put something on socials on birthdays and anniversaries. Then I lost my mum and comments of a similar vein were made to me by family when I didn’t put something on on the first significant date after her passing. It came across really harsh like I didn’t care enough to post something. The reality of the situation was that I couldn’t stop crying and could barely get myself out of bed that day due to the grief so their assumption couldn’t have been further from the truth. I just ignored the comment and took the stance that I know the truth and if people make an assumption based on the fact I didn’t post on social media, then they don’t know me very well at all.

Also, I don’t cry in public/in front of people, I just don’t. But behind the scenes I went to pieces after both losses. People shouldn’t judge a book
by its cover.

Again, I’m so sorry for your loss and please navigate the grief in your way, not how you think someone else expects you to.

It's crazy how much significance people give to social media. I'm also not into performative grief, but that doesn't mean I'm not grieving.

I'm so sorry OP.

There is no correct way to grieve. I lost both parents and my husband, and imagine many people see me as very 'hard hearted'. Most people have never seen me cry and I have only posted funeral details on social media (as an easy way to spread the word). Only my best friend knows how all it ahs hit me. However, even many years later, certain songs/ films/tv programmes can have me in tears. Some of my relatives post on facebook for birthday/father's day/anniversary of death, which is their prerogative (but definitely not for me) and i am sure they wonder why i don't, but it wouldn't help me in the slightest and i don't wish to garner attention or sympathy.

Sending you much love

I rarely post anything about people I've lost to mark special days. I just don't feel the need. Your friends sound quite judgey