How do I respond to my friend's comments?

[IsaDrennansoitis]

Sorry, I wasn't sure where to put this and I am not brave enough for AIBU.

My mum passed away 6 months ago after years of living with Alzheimer’s.

I miss her so much, but have never been the type to grieve publicly.

I have two really close friends who have also lost their mothers, so we have helped each other through the months (years in their cases) after death.

We were out together a few nights ago & one of them was talking about her late mum, then said to me, "I notice you didn't post on fb on mothers day."

I said no, I was barely holding it together tbh and I wasn't even online that day.

She nodded to my other friend and said "we were just saying it seemed very odd, your first year without your mum and no acknowledgement."

I said everyone grieves differently, don't think I wasn't thinking of her.

Then the other friend said
"and as I said to (nodding at other friend) you have had a lot of losses this year, it's bound to harden you..."

I'm not hard, I am dealing with loss and stress in my family and it felt like my two (really genuinely close friends, friends from primary school and from home) were saying I wasn't grieving right and that they'd been discussing it behind my back.

I felt uncomfortable and left shortly after that.

I have never felt like this before, never felt like they'd been talking about me or judging me.

I want to address it, but I don't know how. Is it even worth it?

We are due to meet for a specific event this weekend and I find myself for the first time ever trying to think of a way to get out of going.

Has anyone any ideas?

I think you probably need to swerve these friends atm OP.

People grieve how they want or feel able to do. Some are performative and post the 'my beloved grandad would have been 109 today's we miss you loads pops and some just swerve SM.to feel their feelings in private, with a whole load of ways in-between.

Just tell them you're not up to being around people ATM and you'll see them another time and to have fun.

There may be something to this.

I don't want to post all the details but one of them persists in buying me emotional gifts, the other suggested grief counselling (which I am not against, I just don't want or need it, I am not struggling to process her death, Alzheimer’s was cruel to her, she was a shell of her wee self and in my mind, she's at peace.

Like PPs, I find the ‘happy heavenly birthday’ or ‘happy heavenly Mother’s Day’ to be performative and really bloody distasteful. My friend’s mum, who my friend thoroughly disliked and barely even saw, died a few months ago and there was an attention seeking HHMD on her Facebook complete with lots of likes and hugs. This is not grieving, her mum wasn’t scrolling Facebook from the pearly gates, it’s pure attention seeking, especially since she constantly moaned about her mum. You grieve in your own way, everyone is different, but Facebook posting doesn't equal love or grief.
I’m very sorry for your loss.

They may think you are bottling everything up and are trying their best to encourage you to let it out. If they’re lovely kind old friends, this seems much more likely than they’ve suddenly changed into judgy monsters. They are probably discussing you through concern rather than for gossip.

i think it would be good to let them know thst you are really hurt by the ‘hardened’ comment and the idea that you are grieving not as much or as well or as they did. And that you’re not up to the plans this weekend.

Your friends sound like grief vampires to be honest. Grief is so personal, you get through it in your own way. I really dislike grief gifts and poems, they just remind me of a terrible time in my life, they're a burden to me and I get rid of such things as quickly as possible.

You don't need to perform grief to anyone else's specifications. I wouldn't be going away with these friends and if they didn't back off I'd be reevaluating the friendship. I am sorry for your loss, Alzheimer's really is brutal. 💐

This is a good point and what I was thinking when I suggested giving them the benefit of the doubt but I think absolutely tell them how it made you feel. If they really are true friends, they’ll feel terrible that they’ve upset you. I really do hope they were badly misjudged comments coming from a well intentioned place

God, this.
I grieve, I feel hurt deeply, I get ill and stressed. I don’t post it all over social media, I don’t seek out mawkish grief poetry etc as it’s just not me.

I’m pretty open and I’m not hard at all but I don’t grieve so publicly. Others feel the need/want to and that’s fine for them.

The fact that they’d clearly been discussing this @IsaDrennansoitis is just mean and cruel. Maybe they are worried you aren’t allowing yourself to grieve but it sounds more like judgment to me.

5 weeks?
You may well be still in the shock phase - espiecially after Alzheimers. She's projecting onto you. Just friendly repeat - we all grieve differently at different times and in different places.
Its 17 years since my dad died from early onset. I have grieved more in the last 5 years than ever before and I'm still raging that he isn't here when i need him and all these other twunts are. So grieving from Alzheimer's can take a completely unexpected path - for me it's much more of a slow burn. My mum died horribly from cancer and that was like a firestorm. Perhaps these analogies may help you explain and understand her too.
Ultimately it's probably not worth losing the friendship but maybe give a little space for a while.

You’ve hit the nail on the head by saying your friends “expect”.

There is no expectations when it comes to grief, we’re all humans, we all have different ways to grieve and how dare anyone have expectations ?

I have two FB friends who lost a child at a similar time (6 years ago). One posts daily about her daughter, posts poems/pictures/memes about grief daily. My other friend posts a little tribute to her little one on her birthday. Does that mean one is more upset than the other? Absolutely not, they are just choosing to vocalise their grief in different ways 💕.

Take care of yourself OP xx

Those are really weird comments

I don't post on Facebook on fathers day

And there's nothing to say people should either

I’m going to say something different. I agree with all that’s been said. One does grief in one’s own way, for oneself, it isn’t a performative piece. Also I have heard people say that the death of someone with dementia is complex because to lose the person many years before they die, which makes it no less sad but perhaps more complex.

Anyway, my issue was the discussion of you and the measurement and judgment made by these people. Which seems to be ongoing. They don’t seem to be sensitive empathic and understanding friends.

Well the moment has gone now, so there is really no need to create another uncomfortable situation by bringing it up again. Ideally, at the time, you should have just looked her straight in the eye and said 'I don't go in for performative grieving on social media. It's tacky and attention seeking and I judge people who do it.'

And then when she reacted defensively, which she would have, you just say 'But you want to judge me for not doing it?' That would have shut her right up.

I’m sorry for your loss OP. I think your friends’ behaviour is very strange and cruel. Why on earth would you want a grief poem for your birthday? Why do they keep emotionally prodding you to see if you break? That’s nasty behaviour. I did not post a single thing anywhere when my dad passed away, and my friends took their cue from me when it came to mentioning it: sometimes I wanted to talk about it, other times I wanted to forget and dance the night away. Everyone grieves differently, and you are not a performing seal.

As my mum used to often say, ‘a bellowing cow soon forgets her calf’.

People who post mawkish nonsense on FB wishing ‘heavenly birthdays’ or ‘happy mother’s day’ and the like to dead people are just silly attention seekers at best.

Grief isn’t a competition; it should be private and meaningful. Public validation doesn’t make it more real.

Whether it is or isn't performative isn't really the point though. Some people do make it feel extremely performative in the way they emote on SM, but others don't.

The point is that if someone is going to criticise you for not doing something they would do, then you have every right to make them feel like you judge them back. If their immediate reaction is one of defensiveness and anger that you could see something so well meant and heartfelt as a negative value judgement on them as a person then it might make them reflect on how we don't all need to react the same or behave the same in grief for our feelings to be equally valid.

I think it's worth sending the message to them that you're hurt by their comments to open up the conversation. If they're talking about you amongst themselves they may be worrying rather than meaning to hurt you. I interpret what they're doing as concern for you. They're further along in their grieving and have perhaps forgotten that initial numb stage and are worried you aren't processing it or are aren't coping. I almost lost someone who didn't show any signs of grieving but turned to drinking heavily in secret and now it would give me alarm bells, not that your way of grieving is wrong but that for your friends they may just be watching out for signs you're struggling.

The other posters saying posting on social media is attention seeking, I think that's unkind. Grief can be private but it doesn't have to be. We really do grieve in different ways. A social media message is not that different to a headstone with a message on or note in the church circular each year. Many of us want to tell the world about our loved one and how important they are so they continue to exist to us and are remembered widely and it can feel like you're sending a message out into the ether that might be seen by the spirits too. It's not how everyone feels but I don't think that's wrong either.

So sorry for your loss. Also that your friends have made you feel uncomfortable. Grief is so personal, and there is as you and others say no right or wrong way to grieve.

I believe that when someone has a relative with Alzheimer’s there is a living grief. Over a period of time you have seen your mother change from the person you knew in a very different way to someone with a physical decline or more sudden loss. Sometimes a lot of grieving is done when they are alive, as parts of your relationship with them changes as their condition progresses.

I suspect you’ve had a very difficult 6 years with your mum- maybe caring responsibilities which can be physically or emotionally exhausting. How you choose to mark, honour remember your mum on birthdays, anniversary’s, Mother’s Day (or not) is totally personal.

Take care of yourself OP in whatever way works for you. Surround yourself with people who you are comfortable with and who can support you whether you are upset or ‘ok’.

I hope you can talk to your friends one day, they don’t sound malicious but a bit insensitive and naive to the complexities of grief and your personal circumstances.

I would say I don"t feel the need to perform my grief on the Internet for the approval of others.

I've lost several people in recent years. I haven't posted about them. What's the point? They won't read it and i get no comfort from it. If someone feels comforted and supported by replies to their post that's great. They got what they needed and thst has value. But if you don't then why bother? Attention?

How you feel is not ranked according to what if anything you post on bloody social media.

Really sorry to read this. Going through grief, what I hear most strongly is a place you found comfort/safety in your friends has now been taken away by their likely naive words.
We all need people who understand us in grief and they missed the mark which is horrid when it’s the people you would normally turn to.

I think a short text message would be my preference as would just die inside to have to
confront it in person (it would make me cry). I would do it before you meet them again to give them a chance to repair it.

Something like you already written, that you felt judged and uncomfortable as their comment made it sound like they had discussed your action/lack of action and wrongly interpreted them as hardness rather than genuine difficulty to cope. I would make the point you choice to grieve big moments and anniversary outside of social media & ask what they had intended by the comment? Were they checking in or trying to make you feel guilty for doing it differently.

good luck!

I think they've forgotten what it's like and just because the two of them think alike, doesn't mean they're right.
Their thinking on social media is a bit strange. My DPs died years ago. They never had SM so it would seem performative and attention seeking if I posted to them.
DB died as a teenager and a few years ago a friend set up a private group on Facebook as a memorial to him. I find it weird when posts appear on there addressed to him, but keep it because there's sometimes photos posted that I've never seen.
No one should tell you how to grieve and the fact they have been clearly discussing it behind your back isn't fair.

My condolences to you.
Thankfully FB wasn’t around when my mum died but if it was I wouldn’t have been posting on FB to wish her ‘happy mothers’ day’ - she’s dead and can’t see it. I hate performative grief, but I’m not the gushing type.

Your friends are completely out of order expecting you to confirm to some set way of grieving. Grief is different for everyone. My MIL died last year and DH would’ve laughed me out of town if I suggested he do an FB post about it. And why is it always women who post this guff? Do men ever do it?

Sorry, I’ve gone off on one there!

Sorry but I find this post just as judgemental as the OP's friends (but for the opposite reason). Just because your friend had a tricky relationship with her mother does not mean that she isn't grieving her death - in fact sometimes it can make the grieving process more complicated. Your friend is entitled to post on Facebook if it helps her to feel better, just as the OP is entitled not to post on Facebook, and neither should be criticised for it.

I am judgemental, I find it ridiculous and since I know my friend and you don't, I can judge away; you're just arguing and assuming with no knowledge.

Thank you so much for all the well thought out responses and message suggestions.

I am going to send a short message saying I can't make the weekend plans and see what response I get. They were aware on Saturday that I was shocked by their remarks.

I usually discuss things like this with my sisters, but they know my friends very well too and I know this would upset them.

I have a number of sisters and for context, just one put a photo of mum on social media for mother's day, it was a lovely tribute and I wasn't hurt or angry or anything, it just isn't my way.

She was my sister's mother too and as much as she is entitled to share what she wants, I am entitled not to.

Thanks everyone, I sort of feel a bit more confident to address it now.

In answer to a question a bit back, I don't want to lose this friendship, they're really good friends, we've been through everything from teens, marriage, childbirth, losing parents together - I don't think they meant malice but equally I need a break, I will word all this and send a message closer to the weekend.

Thanks again 💐💐

not necessarily it isn’t. I just had to say something about the uplifting funeral of a loved one recently so I did 🤷🏽‍♀️ we can all grieve as as wish 🤷🏽‍♀️