How do I respond to my friend's comments?

[IsaDrennansoitis]

Sorry, I wasn't sure where to put this and I am not brave enough for AIBU.

My mum passed away 6 months ago after years of living with Alzheimer’s.

I miss her so much, but have never been the type to grieve publicly.

I have two really close friends who have also lost their mothers, so we have helped each other through the months (years in their cases) after death.

We were out together a few nights ago & one of them was talking about her late mum, then said to me, "I notice you didn't post on fb on mothers day."

I said no, I was barely holding it together tbh and I wasn't even online that day.

She nodded to my other friend and said "we were just saying it seemed very odd, your first year without your mum and no acknowledgement."

I said everyone grieves differently, don't think I wasn't thinking of her.

Then the other friend said
"and as I said to (nodding at other friend) you have had a lot of losses this year, it's bound to harden you..."

I'm not hard, I am dealing with loss and stress in my family and it felt like my two (really genuinely close friends, friends from primary school and from home) were saying I wasn't grieving right and that they'd been discussing it behind my back.

I felt uncomfortable and left shortly after that.

I have never felt like this before, never felt like they'd been talking about me or judging me.

I want to address it, but I don't know how. Is it even worth it?

We are due to meet for a specific event this weekend and I find myself for the first time ever trying to think of a way to get out of going.

Has anyone any ideas?

I’m so sorry for your loss, but there’s absolutely no need to write messages to dead people on facebook. It’s performative grieving, done to gain attention from others. You like to grieve privately, I would tell them that. I can understand why you were upset by what they said.

Exactly this.
Attention seeking and distasteful behaviour.
I think I would be seeking new friends.

I don’t know how to address this, hopefully someone will come along with some wise words for you but what a horrible situation for you to be put in. Really shitty if they have been discussing this behind your back. How unkind 😔

I didn’t post anything on social media when my sister passed. She wasn’t really on there so it would feel wrong to post and it’s immensely private and sensitive to me. I mentioned this to close friends as we also had a holiday which was already booked a few months after she passed and I suddenly panicked that people might think oh look at her, having fun, she’s fine, she doesn’t care about her sister and they reassured me that everyone knows I’m grieving and that I’m dealing with things privately and find it difficult to talk about. That’s what good friends should do. I’m so sorry you feel let down when you need your friends the most. I probably would address it to give them the chance to put things right so you don’t have to deal with losing your oldest friends too (if they are good friends and giving them the benefit of the doubt!)

Take it the way it was meant. Do you think it was malice? Or thoughtlessness?

The ‘friend’s’ comment is bizarre.
I recently lost my mother but it never occurred to me to put anything on Facebook n Mother’s Day, in the same way I don’t post on Facebook when I am in A&E.

"I think I am going to take a pass on our plans this weekend. I am still so upset by what felt like cruel comments you made about Mothers Day and viewing me as hard. It's so far from the truth about how I am or the depth of my grief. I was struggling far too much to even think of performing my grief on Facebook for others to judge. I think the hardest thing in this is to hear you were discussing me in such a way. We don't all grieve the same way and your comments have made my suffering deeper as I feel judged unkindly by you both. We've been friends a long time and I know this isn't who you are and that this isn't what you meant, but I need time to recover from the hurt. Please think in future that we don't all grieve the same way and there's no right way to grieve."

I don't think it was meant in malice, I just don't know what way it was meant?

This same friend has also bought me a grief poem for my birthday and asked me why I didn't cry when I read it.

At that time I said because she's dead 5 weeks, I don't think it has hit me yet - it was like I was meant to cry to prove I'd loved her or something.

At that time I remember saying to DH (who had also lost a parent close to when I lost mine) and he said he couldn't understand it but didn't think she was being judge, just expected me to be more emotional maybe?

I honestly don’t know what I’d say. I’ve had to bottle my grief up so I think I’d have exploded with rage at such a horrid comment from a “friend”.
Are you willing to lose the friendship over it?
Because I’d text them saying “after comments made regarding outsiders’ perception of my grief, I’m taking some time to reevaluate some things so I won’t be coming this weekend.”

I really am sorry for your loss, it’s an awful thing to go through x

I'm so sorry for your loss 💐

Bloody hell, OP, that's just pure and plain mean girl behaviour. I lost my Dad 2 years ago, am still struggling to find even ground and I've never posted anything about him on social media. I just can't. Like PP's said, it's performative and for other people. My grief is my own to shoulder and work my way through.

I'm sorry you lost your Mum

This sounds measured and says exactly what I would like to say.

I know they're not cruel people, I think they just expect me to be a bag of tears.

I held myself together at her funeral, mostly as I needed to there for my sisters who were falling apart, but I loved the bones of her and I miss her wee face every single day.

Those of us old enough to remember a time before social media (most of us?) would once have thought comments like your friends made absolutely crazy. Sadly, we now know there's so many people like this. I'm sorry for you, and sorry for humanity.

Perhaps they are cruel people.

Have they lost anyone close themselves yet? It sounds like they've decided how you 'should' be grieving without any understanding that it's different for everyone, every time.
I went back to work after a week, a close friend took over a month off. I do like doing a social media for my mum so she still feels a part of things, your preference was not to. There is no right or wrong, just what helps you get through it, especially during those first raw weeks.
I'd say tor them what you've said here, that you don't believe they meant badly but that what they said has made you feel very uncomfortable/ sad/angry etc.

Performative grieving. You need new friends OP.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum xx

If you read the OP’s post, she clearly says that her friends have both lost their mums too.
I think what they said to you was mean. Why does posting publicly on Facebook mean that you miss someone more? As previous posters have said, it’s totally performative.

Harden you?? Bloody hell, they’re the hard ones. I’m so sorry for your loss. X

Good lord, I almost can't believe what I'm reading!
I don't think I cried at my own husband's funeral until I put my children to bed and finally was on my own whilst everyone else was downstairs at the wake.
I'm sorry your close friends seem to be extraordinarily emotionally unintelligent. How you process grief is entirely personal. I hope you have other support in your life, and a carefully worded message would seem appropriate to give them a chance to realise how thoughtless they've been.
So sorry for your loss xxx

Not necessarily. Sometimes you need an outlet. That said, what they said was shitty- everyone does it differently.

This is a stretch… but perhaps they feel you have supported them, so they want to support you and feel they haven’t achieved this as you haven’t “opened up”/ cried enough in front of them?

As I said, it’s a stretch. And clearly everyone grieves differently. I think a message similar to the one someone suggested might be the best way to go.

Ah you're totally right. I must have ignored that as it doesn't make any sense with their lack of empathy then.

I think I would make a point of saying to them next time you meet how much you hate performative grief. Maybe they'll think twice next time.

I think death can make you feel closer to some people and further away from others. My mother died a few months back. Nobody has upset me, really. My friends are less inclined to live their lives on social media. But two people who I wouldn't have said I was that close to - my music teacher and my daughter's boyfriend were, unexpectedly, absolutely lovely. I hope other people are supporting you.

I’m afraid OP some people feel they have to live every moment of their life via Facebook - my sons girlfriend was like this and constantly posting and it all looked a bit silly when he split with her

So instead of being quietly supportive and messaging privately on a very sad day, your “friends” chose to call you out about about your lack of social media usage. I mean…wtf.

Bereavement really brings out the worst in people. (Judging you, I mean). If I had a pound for every insensitive comment…, and I bet you feel so small and unseen. Some people are performative about grief, most people just get on with it. If you were my friend I’d know how much you were hurting but were putting a brave face on. So sorry for your loss