Dad says children cannot attend Mum’s funeral or wake, unsure what to do

[DN2019]

My lovely Mum, who’s only 70, is at the end of her life and it could be days now. My Dad has casually mentioned (but not to me directly) that my two children (6 and 8) will not be allowed to come to the funeral or wake. I am feeling really conflicted by this, as I know my dad is very much ‘adults only’ for things, but my mum loved her grandchildren more than anything and always believe in family and never excluding anyone. I kind of understand the funeral but I was going to give the older child the choice if she wanted to come. But the wake I thought they could both come to. I also know I will want to see my children after what is going to be an extremely difficult day anyway. I know it’ll comfort me. He hasn’t said it to me yet but don’t know what to do when he does. Any thoughts?

First off, so sorry you are facing the loss of your mum 💐 Focus on time with her and deal with this afterwards.

When that point comes, say what you've said here and that it's what your mum would want. Funerals are for the living and what you want is important as well as your dad.

Always found it odd when children don't go to funerals. Death is sadly part of life and a funeral helps us with the grieving process. They are naturally upsetting, yes, but bereavement in general is.

Talk to your dad, tell him your point of view and ask him to discuss his point of view or concerns and try to find a balance.

I'm sorry you are facing losing your mum.

I think you should respect his wishes and I really really would not get into an argument with him at such an awful time for both of you.

Its your mum, their grandmother. Them not being at the funeral and wake would be bizarre to me. They are part of the family and it is important I think that grief and bereavement are experienced as part of life

Sorry that you are facing this. Hopefully the celebrant will be reassuring to him that it’s fine to have dc there. When i organise funerals i stress children are welcome, we’ve had dc running around the churchyard whilst the service is on inside and I always can find squash and a biscuit for them, other dc dit beautifully throughout the service. The youngest we’ve had this year was 6 days old, the mum ended up in my office (warm) feeding her and I was able to offer breastfeeding support and reassurance!

I don't mean this in an argumentative way, but why is her dad's feelings more important than hers?
To me they are both 1st degree relations as such.

take it once step at a time and deal with what is in front of you. The next few weeks are going to be so hard for everyone and such a risk of family fall outs that will just make you feel worse. So honestly don’t even start thinking about this yet. He or indeed you may feel differently when the time comes But honestly just deal with each thing as it comes. Take care of yourself.

Have you considered that maybe your Dad is requesting that you are there at the funeral supporting him rather than caring for your DC?

Maybe he can’t find the way to say “I need you to prop me up on one of the most horrific days of my life”. Is he usually good at communicating feelings? Or can he be a bit emotionally reserved and therefore potentially not be able to tell you he can’t go to the funeral alone?

As a widow, I can tell you it’s really hard to be at your own spouse’s funeral while everyone around you sits holding the hand of their spouse/child. Maybe he needs someone there to hold his hand, because if your children are there your focus will automatically be on them, especially if they are upset.

Obviously, it’s your decision whether you take them or not, but if you do, maybe you can ensure that their dad is in sole charge of them all day and you are supporting your Dad and making sure he’s not alone. He will need someone by his side to get through it.

Big (unmumsnetty) hugs to you all at this difficult time.

I don’t agree with your father’s approach at all…death is part of life, and sadly we can’t protect our children from the inevitable. I’d maybe agree with not the funeral if you feel this would overwhelm your children, especially the youngest but they should at least be able to attend the wake. I sadly lost my father as a child and I attended his funeral, yes I was quite upset but I also feel with adult eyes now that it was the right thing for me to attend. My only suggestion is to explain to your children beforehand what will be happening to prepare them - this didn’t happen with me and I found the process a bit distressing I.e. crematorium, coffin, the curtain closing, ashes, internment etc

The minister (the side of my family that is from Scotland) used to tell family no primary kids at funerals, but he didn't enforce it. People used to say that depending on faith/denomination, it was seen as more or less "the norm", but these days most people think it should be up to each family to decide.

So sorry, OP

For me, the big thing will be that they greatly love their DGM and she will only have one funeral - so they either go soon, as young children, or they never ever get a chance to go.

Everybody would have infinitely preferred it if she'd been able to stay well and thriving for a couple more decades and then slipped away when she was 90, with the DGC then not too many years off 30; but sadly that is never going to be an option now.

I can sort of see why people are hesitant when the children are really tiny; but even then, I think there's something very poignant and sweet, even when they run around and make a noise with their crying: when you're saying Goodbye to a loved one of one generation, after (hopefully) a good long, eventful life; whilst the loved ones of a later generation are still right at the beginning of theirs, with so much promise and happiness ahead of them as well. Treasured individuals will inevitably bow out eventually; but life - and the family - goes on as strong and determined as ever.

They are old enough and should be allowed to say their final goodbyes to their grandmother.

Sorry about your mum

I'm irish so his suggestion sounds totally alien/ strange to me... my earliest memories are funerals! Everyone grieves together and you stay with the body and people often touch the dead person which I know a lot of english people think is weird.

but he is about to be grieving his wife... so I'd respect his wishes and get childcare for the day.

Firstly make sure you kids see her before she dies and they say "goodbye".
Afterwards I'd do your own "funeral" with the kids and take flowers to the grave etc

A difficult one - but ultimately, please don't upset your dad or have a falling out over this. As her husband, I really feel his wishes take precedence.

Thank you all for your kind and lovely words. I think the reason I’m thinking about this now is because it’s just come up and in some way it’s good so I can process before he approaches it with me so I don’t react emotionally in the moment.

The only thing I think is I don’t necessarily agree that my dad’s feelings are more important than mine. Yes it’s my dad’s wife but she’s my mum and her grandchildren who mean everything to her. I definitely don’t want to argue with him so if it does become a ‘thing’ I might ask for some help from either the hospice/ celebrant to navigate it all.

I disagree. Losing your wife is significant, but so is losing your mum.
My dad didn't want me to tell people that my mum had died. My mum was hugely popular and had many friends. I was sad at the time. 15 years later I've not been able to move on and I have been unable to forgive his refusal to accept that anyone other than him had been bereaved. There was no room for my grief and I feel mum wasn't properly celebrated by all those who loved her
Whilst funerals are for those left behind, all of you have been bereaved and your mum's love for and inclusion of her grandchildren should be respected.

Bless you. Good luck. Is there someone who could come to the funeral for your children? I mean when my Dad died, my son was 11. My best friend, his God Mum knew my dad a bit, but not very well (Uni friends, not childhood friends), so I got her to be my Son's person. I knew that I would need to do lots of things and talk to people and my hubby would need to do the same, but she would only really know us. Could it be that your dad doesn't want you to have to attend to your children, because HE will really need you to support him and help him manage other people and practicalities? Would there be someone else who could come for your children so you weren't having to think about them?

Op do you know why?
There's a different approach needed if it's "kids should be shielded, they will be too upset and they should be protected" vs "they'll be a nuisance and distract people from their grief" or "your place is as my daughter and support, not their mother" or "they'll just cause drama" etc.

I was 9 when my father died and wasn't taken to the funeral. I was very close to him - he worked from home and we used to spend a lot of time together.
Consequently I couldn't really believe he was actually gone - I thought maybe he'd gone away and people were lying to me.
I still wish I'd had a proper chance to say goodbye.

I'm so sorry about your mum.

Honestly I don't think funerals are the place for small children it can be very distressing for them. I took my 8yr old to his grandma's (mill funeral and in hindsight he was too young and it wasn't good for him to see so much raw grief while grieving himself. We only took him because he was the youngest of 5 grandchildren and the others (secondary school age) were going and it was expected of us. You will know your own child though and how they might cope. You also need to think of others and that they might feel the need to adapt their grief if children present and that's not fair on your dad on such a tough day. I think it should be okay for them to attend the wake afterwards though.
A few years later my grandma died and we opted not to take the children, now 15 and 11 as they've lost a lot of people and it felt like too much to put on them again. We did give them the choice and the opted not to come.

If it's in a church, they are public events, it isn't for him to say who can pay their respects.

Could there be a compromise where children are at a service but don't come to the crematorium, go to the reception with a distant cousin or babysitter? Or would it be all held at the crematorium?

My DH mum died and one child was only 6, we took some colouring to the church and she put her head down and coloured industriously. I thought she was bored or distracting herself but when she came outside she gave the paper to FIL and it turned out she had drawn a picture of the flowers on the coffin to give to him. He was really touched.

You never know what will happen with death and life and the best thing is to let people be there with their emotions and just bring an open heart and let whatever happens, happen.

Are your two children the only children who might be in the circle of mourners or are there others?

I think it might be better to hold a special "remembering grandma" thing - either on the same day as the funeral if there's time, or on a different day. Do a slide show of pictures of her life right from wheh she was a child to pictures of her with her grandchildren. Invite each person to draw a picture and then fold up those pictures small and put them in among the roots of a tree you plant, or similar creative activity, then go and have an icecream. Keep it to less than half an hour. Children do need to be involved in marking the passing of someone they love, but their attention soan is short and the chief purpose of the funeral is for your dad to start processing his overwhelming grief for his lost wife and if his preference is for that to be child-free it is much more important that you respect that rather than challenge it.

That makes zero sense — it’s the OP’s mother’s funeral! She’s just as bereaved.

I’m sorry for your loss, I’ve recently lost my own mum.
My Nan died when I was 15, I didn’t want to go to her funeral even though I was very close to her and heartbroken that she had gone. I went to the wake and we celebrated her life. I couldn’t even bring myself to go to her grave until I had my first child years later.
I now only have happy memories of her, I still think about her every day even though she died decades ago. Every thought of my Nan makes me smile.
Any decision you make will be the right one as you know your family the best.

He isn’t in charge of who attends and no his feelings should not trump yours. I think it’s important for kids to attend funerals, and don’t agree they should be shielded from death. Maybe have a gentle word with him when it comes up.