Dad says children cannot attend Mum’s funeral or wake, unsure what to do

[DN2019]

My lovely Mum, who’s only 70, is at the end of her life and it could be days now. My Dad has casually mentioned (but not to me directly) that my two children (6 and 8) will not be allowed to come to the funeral or wake. I am feeling really conflicted by this, as I know my dad is very much ‘adults only’ for things, but my mum loved her grandchildren more than anything and always believe in family and never excluding anyone. I kind of understand the funeral but I was going to give the older child the choice if she wanted to come. But the wake I thought they could both come to. I also know I will want to see my children after what is going to be an extremely difficult day anyway. I know it’ll comfort me. He hasn’t said it to me yet but don’t know what to do when he does. Any thoughts?

So sorry this is happening.I think the funeral part will be difficult for such young children to see all their safe people breaking down but the wake would be helpful (in.my opinion).

The priority when the time comes will be your children and you need to do what’s right for them. Unfortunately that may not align with your dad’s view.

Winstons Wish has a load of resources for children and whilst they say it’s a personal choice they say that in their experience, more children regret not going than going.

Our 4yo attended my MIL funeral last month. It was really important for his grief he attended. He bawled and waved to the coffin when we left the chapel. He had lots of questions, many of which were answered just by being there. I was so proud of him.

Legally you can’t ban anyone from a funeral. And as a PP said they’re for the living not the dead.

Sorry you’re going through this. It’s extra shit with children.

What I should have said is that we also gave our 4yo the choice whether to come or not. We explained what would happen in a very matter of fact way. And the vicar (who is someone we know) really sensibly said to me before the service said “don’t take him out if he gets upset, he needs to know it’s okay to be sad and to grieve.”

I see where he is coming from. It may be that he is being protective or he does not want them to witness the family’s grief.

I agree actually. Depending on child for me it would broadly be secondary age onwards. We were 6 and 4 when my grandfather died quite suddenly his widow my granny was absolutely distraught. We stayed with a neighbour the day of the funeral.

I agree that children should not be barred from funerals. We took our two youngest to their granddad's funeral when they were 6 and 5 , and when my young niece died all her cousins from 2-10 went. They had the option not to go but it answered many questions and helped them see that death was part of the circle of life. After my niece's funeral the little cousins decided to make a little garden for her which was lovely. You can tell your dad that you'll be there for him, but you are giving the children the choice as to whether or not they attend.

Having lost my husband, and my mum in the same year, I know which bereavement was worse for me. I loved my mum dearly, but was devastated by the loss of my husband. As it happened, I had to miss my mum's funeral as I was in hospital
My point is, don't fall out with the living over the dead.

I agree . I do believe a spouse is a more incredibly painful loss to bear .

Can you get your mum to say they can come if they want?

I was forced to go to my nans funeral when I was 8. I loved my nan very much and understood what death meant. I wanted to remember my nan as the happy lady she was, not remember her coffin sliding away and everyone crying. I dont feel children need to go to a funeral, but its very personal to each individual. It'd be understandable at a wake as thats the time to celebrate their life. Wish you all the best op, but id speak to your children, ensure they understand and respect your dad. Do you really want to focus on your children's grief when youre experiencing such a loss. Best wishes

I think your father is unreasonable and I think generally children of all ages should go to funerals. However, after discussing with my father and trying to gain agreement, if he would change his mind I would accept his wishes. Not fair no, but sometimes life isn’t. This would not be worth falling out over to me.
When my mum died, dad completely took over the funeral and made all decisions. He was obviously devastated and frankly very self absorbed. About 6 months after the funeral he apologised to me saying at the time he was so focussed on losing a wife that he had not really considered I had also lost a mother. I appreciated that because I know had I said anything at the time he would not have been able to see this.

You don’t invite or bar people from funeral services, they’re just open occasions.

I think they should be able to attend...but as a compromise I would perhaps just suggest they attend the wake...even if you frame it as being able to see and spend time with wider family.

After the funeral, you will go home with your DC and presumably a partner.
Your dad will have an empty house. They have presumably been together for decades, and now he’s alone.

I think prioritising his preferences is reasonable. But talk it through so you understand his concerns, in case there’s compromise possible.

I think you need to respect his wishes I’m sorry. I’ve recently been through bereavement of a parent and I’m so sorry for you but I do think your dad’s feelings take priority here.

Thank you all again, it’s very helpful to read through everyone’s thoughts so I can process etc. the person I’d normally talk to about these things is my mum so it’s so hard not being able to ask what her view is, I don’t know if that’ll ever be possible again, she’s having moments when she can hold serious conversations, and she does, then the next day she can’t. It’s exhausting and heartbreaking.

I feel quite strongly that the kids should be part of it in some way, even if it’s just attending a bit of the wake, although the actual funeral I was still considering myself if it was appropriate for them. It never occurred to me that it would potentially not be my choice as their parent whether they attend at all. I know my mum wouldn’t ever consider it too which makes it harder. I know his view will be that he’d want an adult only environment. Thank you again everyone xx

Just to warn you, my mum used to say very, very regularly that there was no longer anyone who put her first. She wasn’t anyone’s first priority anymore. Her DC had husbands and DCs that needed to be considered, and she felt she only got what was ‘left over’.
If she hadn’t got her way at the funeral, that would have been particularly problematic to her.

Your dad may not be like my mum, but we can all tend to be selfish in grief.

I do appreciate the point that losing a much-loved spouse is even more devastating than losing a parent (or grandparent). Apart from anything else, unless it was a big age-gap relationship, it's an indication that your own time is likely coming soon; and the point about being the only one in the family to have to go home afterwards to an empty house is very pertinent.

However, it's also an extremely sad and significant part of the other family members' lives as well. I wonder how OP's DF would feel if, having given the DGC the message that showing their sadness and mourning grandparents isn't something that you do (or indeed is something that you must suppress), when he is clearly approaching the end of his life, the (hopefully then much older) DGC don't appear all that bothered about the prospect of losing him?

I probably didn't word that very well, but I agree with PP that it's good to be encouraged that grief is normal and not to be bottled up or hidden. The reason you grieve is because you dearly loved the person who has gone; if you read in the news about some stranger who dies, you usually sympathise for five seconds (or maybe not even that if they were very elderly and no tragic circumstances to their death) and then forget them and scroll on to the next article.

You need to respect your Dad's wishes. Imho. It's up to him. I don't agree with children at funerals either.

My boys were 5 and 7 when I lost my mam and I’ll be honest I was thankful they weren’t at the funeral as I wasn’t in the headspace to parent them I had to concentrate on my own emotions at the funeral .

A relative requested that small children didn't attend her father's funeral. Not because she didn't think it was appropriate for them, but because she didn't want to have to "maintain a stiff upper lip" which she felt she would have to do, because she didn't want to cause upset to the little ones.

Even though everyone said she didn't need to, she just felt that she wouldn't feel free to grieve her own way if she was worrying about the kids.

It isn't right or wrong - but perhaps asking why he feels that way. If it is just "tradition", I personally would not necessarily listen but if it is more personal, it may be something to talk over.

I wouldn’t take my children at that age unless it was their father that had died. A funeral is a time to say good bye to your mum. For you and your siblings and father to cry, mourn and be focused on your mum. The children will not be as concerned as you think. It is not their primary caregiver who has died. Seeing you and your father that upset will really upset them.

I would call my local vicar and ask them to do a small something with just me and the children and maybe their cousins if they are too young to go to the funeral. I would ask for it to involve lighting a candle, say some prayers, each say a memory or something similar. Something that will
be personal to the children, allow them to remember their grandmother.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I think you need to respect your dad's wishes on this. It's a terrible time for you all. My dad died young and unexpectedly and yes, it was awful for me and my siblings but I do feel now looking back, it's even worse for the person who has lost their spouse. He probably doesn't want his grandchildren to see him in bits.

It’s a very difficult one but honestly I think you should respect your dad’s wishes on this. My reasoning is who will be supporting your dad if your kids are there? You say you will want to see your kids after a very tough day well maybe he feels the same.

My mum is dying right now too. Can you ask your mum about this? See what she would want? My mum just went through with me everything she wants for her funeral and wake, she's picked the hymns and music and told me what she wants in the eulogy. If your mum is up to it then I would suggest you do this with her.