When does it feel… easier? Better?

[tiredconfusedhungry]

I lost my lovely lovely Dad nearly 4 weeks ago. He was only mid 60’s. He had a heart attack and was gone before the ambulance even got there.

He was such a central part of our family and we all miss him so much. We are such a close family, we see each other every week, walks, dinner, coffee. He was always at the end of the phone. I’ve had a horrendous year (I separated from my Ex H). My Dad was always there. We were even going to move in with my parents when I sell the family home while I house hunt near them.

Work have been amazing. I had a week off then I’ve done part time hours. I’m supposed to be going back full time tomorrow, but I’m sat here absolutely terrified. I’m not sleeping, barely eating (I have no appetite), I have no energy.

I have 2 little girls who are missing their Grandad so much and don’t understand why he had to die (no matter how much I explain it). But just looking after them day to day, school runs, keeping the house clean and tidy, cooking dinners (on my own). I’m exhausted. I know I could probably get sleeping tablets but I worry I won’t hear the girls in the night, I’m here on my own with them.

When does it start to feel better? When will I stop just randomly bursting into tears. When will I be able to concentrate properly on work. When will I just be able to wake up and not feel like this.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your lovely dad. It’s really early days, do you have to go back to work full time right now? You are juggling an awful lot….

I’m so sorry about your Dad, he sounds lovely❤️

I haven’t lost a parent but I did lose my partner, my childs dad when I was very young, I thought I would never stop crying, but it does slowly get “easier”. Its been 15 years nearly and I still think of him everyday and sometimes I still sob, but day to day I’m okay.

There is no time frame for grief, life is never “normal” again but you do get to a stage where you are in a new normal if that makes sense.

sending lots of love.

I'm.so sorry OP. 4 weeks is no time.

There's no timeline sadly. It's just hunkering down and riding the waves. Eventually the big waves will become further apart but they'll still come for how many years afterwards.

It doesn't sound as if you're ready to go back to work. When my daughter died I had to go back after a couple of weeks and take AL.for another couple. But money was a factor. I probably wasn't ready to go back. But I wasn't dealing with it on my own. It's a very hard thing to navigate when kids still need looked after and there's nobody else.

Would you be paid if you took some more time off..could you maybe get signed off by your GP for a bit?

I just feel like I’m taking the piss having more time off I think. I feel pathetic if I’m honest. My job isn’t stressful as such but if I make mistakes it costs people money. Nothing that can’t be undone but it still doesn’t look good and can’t happen.

I’m so sorry OP. I also lost my dad very unexpectedly and it was awful.
It’s very early days for you. I think it was a year for me until things started to improve; dealing with all the first was the hardest (first Father’s Day, Christmas, birthday etc).
Take good care of yourself. Try and eat. If you can’t sleep go downstairs, wrap yourself in a blanket and go some puzzles or read something nice to distract your mind from ruminations.

@gamerchickim so sorry you lost your Daughter 💜

I work for my local authority so our sick pay is generous. I could have more time off, I just feel like I’m letting people down.

I'm so sorry for your loss, when my dad goes I will be a wreck, I know I will.

Everything you are feeling is so normal and I wish I had a remote control so that I could fast forward this period for you. It's so jarring when life has to continue and bills have to be paid, kids have to go to school and you have to go to work, despite being left with these feelings. And that's what grief is, it's love with nowhere to go.

It takes as long as it takes (and I know that doesn't sound helpful, sorry) but I've had a fair amount of grief in my life and I do this little thing that helps me. If I am not in a good spot to deal with my sad feelings when they threaten to overwhelm - I combat them with a good memory.

Example: my aunt died last month and I'm dealing with my mum's (her sister) grief as well as my own. I am also in the middle of moving house. It's all honestly too much. And this morning in the shower I thought about my aunt and started to feel so sad, but then said to myself: "No time for this, you have to finish your shower and carry on packing!" So I took the sadness and combatted it with a good memory of my aunt - which also related to bathrooms, because y'know, I was in the shower! I remembered when my sister and my cousin were in her old house and pretending to be spies and I thought I would hide in her bathroom - but she was on the loo! She said: "FOR GOODNESS SAKE ARLANYMOR! CAN'T I HAVE A POO IN PEACE?!" And I laughed so hard at that memory, I'm still laughing at it now to be honest!

Thankyou.

You're not letting anyone down. If you can then take it with both hands. Nobody will judge you and that part of your brain that is feeling raw will thank you for it.

You have a lot on your plate. Take the work thing off it for now.

As pp said, it takes as long as it takes. I'm so sorry for your loss. I think you could do to be much more compassionate with yourself. Grief isn't a straight road, it will surprise you and some days will be great and others terrible.
You sound very much in the foothills of it now, you're not eating or sleeping. To me you don't sound well enough to be working, far from it. I hope you wouldn't consider a friend in the same circumstances to be taking the piss. We are often so much more compassionate with our friends than ourselves, so treat yourself as a beloved friend.

So sorry op. Maybe it could help to reframe you not being ready for work yet, in that your colleagues will be impacted by you not being well? It’s so important for your long term health to take the time you need, especially if the only reason to rush is guilt.
Grief is abominably difficult, it affects all areas of our health. I’m sure your dad would want you to put yourself and your dc first for a bit. Your colleagues will understand (and any who don’t aren’t worth bothering about) x

Everyone is different op, in my case my mum was mid sixties but was diagnosed with cancer three months before she died and I took the time off work and cared for her, so I knew it was coming. I also work for the local authority and they encouraged me to take the time off on sick leave to care for her and then after she died her funeral was four weeks away and my manager encouraged me to just get another line until it was past and I was ready to go back.

In your case it must be such a huge shock, that I'm sure it will take longe than four weeks to be ready to be working full time .If you're not ready to go back to work speak to them in the morning.

Personally I think a week initially wasn't very long in the circumstances and wouldn't have expected a colleague back that soon in our department. I think you should maybe consider getting a sick line if you're still bursting into tears, which is completly understandable. You need to give yourself time to grieve in these early days and don't stress yourself out working if you're not ready. We have such a bad culture in our department of feeling like wer letting each other down being off, even when we know when it's other people off none of us feel like that and are understanding. Please put yourself first.

I'm now over two years down the line and it's easier. I miss her everyday but rarely cry and find myself smiling most days remembering happy memories and thinking about her. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Op just breathe. I'm sorry for the loss of your wonderful dad, he sounded like a very lovely man. The grief will ease with time. But can you get compassionate leave from work for a little bit?? Just to give yourself some breathing space. You are trying to do a lot right now x sending hugs x

I can’t give you a time, we are all different, but it gets easier in that it’s not as overwhelming. You may find work helps, it does for some (there was a thread recently about this.) Take a day at a time and try to think about happy times with him. There is good resources on talking to children online too. Unless you dc are toddlers, consider sleeping pills for a few days, just to get some rest, it will be ok, just different I suppose

My Mum's death was sudden and it began to get a tiny tiny bit better just before new year, 5 months in, then New Year came around and it got inexplicably worse (I think due to it being the first year she wasn't in, if you know what I mean). Then my Dad died, so now the grief is all mixed up and you don't know which is which sometimes.

It's hard to give a time frame as everyone faces grief differently. The suddeness of your Dad's death must have been so difficult to face and there are so many emotions associated with that, different ones to longer illnesses where you have more time to prepare (I am in no way saying this is an easier thing, just that the shock of a sudden death will be felt in a different way).

Sending you all the love in the world. Life is fucking awful sometimes. You will get through this somehow. But yeah, sometimes I don't want to and just want to go back to a world with them in it, so I understand how it feels. Love to you and your family. ❤️

Also work for an LA, my dad died suddenly 5 months ago, he was 88. Take the time you need. I coped on the minimum available and really wish I hadn't because it's having a negative impact on me months later and nobody particularly wants to know at work. So, if you're not ready either get signed off if you're outside of the 7 days self certification and relax. There is no time line. 4 weeks after my dad died we hadn't even had the funeral (coroner involvement etc) Yes, it can feel like you're letting others down but I learnt the hard way that noone respects carrying on (my team manager recently had her ex mother in law die and is telling everyone she expects to be off for at least the next 3 months, maybe longer, so you decide what you need, not other people.

I’m so sorry for your loss @tiredconfusedhungry

It is just so incredibly painful isn’t it.

When I lost my mum I took 4 months off work. I had to for all of the reasons you describe. 4 weeks is so soon, especially if you were close which you were.

I also work for a LA and had full pay during my sick leave.

I couldn’t have gone to work any sooner - the lead up to my mums death was traumatic and I needed some time to heal.

I went back to work immediately after my father died suddenly. I was self employed so it wasn't an option not to. I didn't really feel focussed on things for a few months, and then a few months after that I had a baby which didn't really help. It does get better though! It was nine years ago and I talk about him more and more, which is strange but I suppose I just don't want to forget him.

@Alittlebitofthebaublehe died a week before my birthday, my Mums birthday is coming up soon and it was such a weird feeling. So I do get that all of the firsts are going to be hard. I know what you mean about the suddenness of it, my best friend lost her Dad after an 18 month illness and she said that she felt lucky to know, they got to prepare. His actual passing was no ‘better’. But they got to say goodbye. But then as sudden as my dad’s death was, I wouldn’t have wanted him to go through the gruelling 18 months of treatment her dad did. It’s all shit!!

To answer your question sorry - every day it becomes less painful. Almost 5 years on of course I still feel very sad at times but the pain from the early days starts to lift.

A friend said to me that the only way to get through it is to remember that with every passing day you most likely won’t every feel as bad as you did the day before.

Of course there are exceptions and you will have bad days and better days but she was on the whole right.

Definitely take more time OP. If you’re not sleeping you’ll be too exhausted anyway. Go and chat to the GP - get a note for a bit longer and talk about sleep options. Have you tried some natural things like magnesium?

After my DH passed from a long illness I went back to work and actually found it helped because it gave me something else to think about, was a good distraction, but not everyone will feel like that. If your employers allows time off without pressure and you need it I think it would be a good idea to take the time offered.

@LightuptheroomDad’s funeral isn’t for another 2 and a bit weeks.

i know im lucky to be in the position of having a job that can pay me to be off. I just worry that it will reflect badly on me in the future (poss promotions and possible restructures etc).

I barely took any time when my marriage broke down last year and I’ve worked more and more to keep my mind busy, I think it’s all just catching up with me now and one giant shit storm.

So sorry for your loss.
It's 3 weeks today since my dear Father passed away. He was only 72 yrs old. He was the best Dad in the world, always there for me. I've been a single Mum for the last 8 yrs and my Dad was basically like a Father to my 5 Children. He absolutely doted on his grandchildren and they loved him to bits and are lost without him.
I am going back to work in the morning after 3 weeks off. I honestly don't know how I will be. I'll just take everything as it comes and if I need to come home I will.
The pain in my heart is so physical it hurts so much. I find myself crying everynight and missing my Ddad sooo much. I just want him here. I honestly don't think I'll ever be the same ever again.
I go to visit his grave every other day and that gives me a bit of relief.

My Dad died about six weeks ago. He had a short time between diagnosis and death, but it was also very intense at that time, because we had Christmas, had guests, we're trying to get our head around him having a terminal illness, and I took on a lot of the liaising and organising the care. He was fairly healthy and strong (70s) and would have had years ahead of him without the illness. It's still a shock.

I felt bloody awful for being off. My job isn't one you can easily hand over, and it was so busy, and we were experiencing so much change, that I didn't have any way of telling anyone how they could cover. I was so overwhelmed with guilt from abandoning work and my Dad dying. I gave myself a hard time at first even though I couldn't have done anymore to help him.

I also then had to deal with the admin aftermath of the death, clearing my Dads possessions, coroner involvement and funeral planning - some of it by myself, but luckily had brother's help. It still felt a lot like work, but with the added pressure of coming up with a funeral and wake for over 100 people! I was massively out of my comfort zone. I also have a severely disabled child who has not been well through this, so six weeks off was much needed for me, because I was already burnt out with caring for my child with severe SEN, before my Dad even got diagnosed.

I feel much more like myself again now the stress of the funeral is over, but I still cry everyday and it catches up with me at strange times still. I have told work that I can't be full on like I used to yet and am returning to normal duties gradually. I'm glad to be back now, just for the interaction and distraction.

I feel I'm closer to accepting what has happened now, but I have done enough reading to know you swing in and out of the stages. I do feel you've gone back to work too soon. You need two full weeks off to process things, preferably whilst kids are off school. One of my colleagues lost her Dad before I did, and when I said about the diagnosis, she warned me to not go back too soon. She is a VERY capable colleague and still found it tough. My siblings have carried on largely as normal, but there is quite a lot of denial still going on and I think it's starting to catch up with them now. I'm glad I've taken the time off, I wouldn't have been able to do any work anyway because of the stress.

I lost a very close friend a year ago, and unfortunately it’s not got any easier. I saw a lot of her, and don’t have any family locally so she became like family. I drive past her house a lot, and have had to stop local walks that remind me of her. In 2wks it will be the 1st anniversary and whilst it’s not as raw as it was, it still hurts so much and I struggle to believe she was diagnosed and gone in 2 months. Watching her life slip away was the hardest thing i’ve done.

Sending big hugs, a sudden loss must be so hard to get used to. I lost my dad 8yrs ago, and it was hard, but day to day he wasn’t a huge part of my life so in so ways it was easier to adapt, and I feel bad saying that as I loved my dad, but he wasn’t part of my life where I live so I didn’t have the same difficult memories etc.