If you had complex/complicated grief, please could you let me know

[userb130303]

about your journey through grief and how long it took you to feel like you were functioning even close to normal.

I am having grief counselling and have complex grief for a pile of reasons but the simplest explanation is a series of deaths within a short-ish period and one of them was my mother.

I am now over a year since the last death which sort of followed a normal grief pattern to start with. Felt surprisingly ok to start with but that was shock. Rough time when shock wore off. Then felt ok but recently have taken a huge huge downturn - feel like life is pretty pointless and have no interest in anything. Nothing makes me happy more than for a passing moment and I can't be bothered to think of things for the future because I am not interested in anything. Everyone ends up dead so what is the point and I do not want to live in a world without the people I love who are all dead now. The slightest thing will make me feel even worse - a death of someone else not particularly close, dealing with anything financial relating to various estates, even someone being a bit rude in a shop.

I have explored all options including speaking with medical professionals and have read widely and am having grief counselling so I'm not looking for advice about coping -

what I'm asking for any one who has had this experience, if you feel able, please could you talk to me about your grief pattern (time frame and ups and downs) and how long it took to come out of this state of almost nihilistic depression and to find joy in anything?

how long can i expect this hellish state to exist for? I know its different for everyone but looking for a bit of hope somewhere...

I too have went through a series of close family deaths, broken down relationships and financial issues in a 18 month period.
I'm 3 years on since the last one and can say I have had bouts of feeling like you describe. For the first year or so i had to actively force myself into being happy, the whole fake it till it's true style. Weirdly, that did help me. I allowed myself time to be down and think on my grief, but not to wallow in it.

Now, I find I'm pretty steady emotionally most days. But I'll slip between easily exited and happy to "flat line , nothing makes me feel anything " style every few months it seems. Usually entering the down state around mile stones and/or anniversaries. These phases last a week or so.

It's difficult, I don't think there is a one fix suits all approach. But I do think you are doing the right thing my taking about it.

Thank you so much @RuffledKestrel for replying to me. The first year was the same for me I look back now and feel like I can't really remember any of it as if it was passed through like an automaton on a conveyor belt. I can remember it obviously but it is just that feeling of how did I get through that, I was dragged along by life.

So you are saying about 3 years then? I hope one day to feel like there is some point here. Its so odd because I used to really enjoy my life but that person is a stranger to me now.

I remember the first year after my partner died i was in a terrible shock, I found year 2 and 3 the worst, support had dropped off, I felt incredibly alone. To be honest I felt better after 5 years but having said that ive lost others since him including my dad and what you say about everybody dying really resonates with me, my mind can get abit like that to this day. I guess the best thing to do is flip that negative mind set and enjoy every moment of life and your loved ones but it can be hard. Glad your getting counselling. All the best.

My DH died quite suddenly of a brain haemorraghe. There was no warning at all and he was only 47. I came home from work to find him lying in a pool of blood in our hallway, cold and dead. We were laughing together when I left that morning. The police had to come to our house because it was a sudden death and they took 3 hours to visit. After that the coroner's ambulance had to come and take him away in a body bag and they didn't arrive until midnight. I wasn't allowed to touch or move him and he'd been lying there since 3.30pm. It took me 3 years to feel anything like my old self but realistically it's taken 9 years for the flashbacks to stop. I now realise that we really do only have one life and you might as well live it to the best of your ability. I stop and listen to birdsong in the morning, or try to catch a good sunset. I know that sounds a bit ethereal but it does help to put things in perspective. Things will start to get better around year three OP. Take care of yourself.

@BluebellShmoobell thank you for replying to me. I am too very alone which I know does not help in terms of a support network. It all feels like too much of a struggle. 3 years, 5 years for me that just feels like dead (!) time. I don't want to keep having this horrible feeling of just going through the motion of existing when I have no joy and nothing to look forward to.

It as if I am thinking what I need is a time machine to teleport me 5 years ahead. I am so sad and so tired of being sad and sad doesnt capture the depth of it.

@ginasevern Thank you for your time in replying and as to everyone sorry for your loss. that sounds like a very traumatic experience and its not surprising you were having flash backs. I'm so sorry you went through that.

interesting again you too are saying 3 years for normal function. Looks like this maybe about average then for a complex situation.

Am in the middle of it, anticipatory, actual and multiple deaths.

I was listening to the podcast The Happiness Lab, when an episode with Julia Samuel's (author of the Grief Works) came on. I tried many of the tips but the best by far for me is exercise. Enough to get my heart rate up and some times more (a gentle dog walk doesn't cut it for me, it has to be a proper workout).

There is a saying that depression can't hit a moving target, and it is so true. I don't know if it is an option for you, but it is the only thing really working for me at the moment. I have counselling as well but I am slightly past the trying to unpick it all/make it logical as it just isn't very logical at all. On the otherhand, exercise seems to release enough happy chemicals to get me through at least 24 - 48 hours, sometimes more. I did have to dig deep to make the decision to exercise though. Just decided one day I hated feeling like I did, because I was tired of being miserable. Has the grief gone? No am still living through it. Is it a little less heavy? Most days.

Ask me again in a few years, you never know I may have run a marathon by then 🙃

Forrest Gump was a wise man.

Once it was acknowledged that I was suffering trauma alongside grief, it started to slowly get better. I had both grief counselling and EDMR therapy.

Oh yes OP, that's exactly how I felt. I wanted a time machine to speed me away from the dead weight of grief. I kept thinking that by the time the grief had eased I would have wasted years of my life in a sort of twilight existence, wracked with pain.

@Lastknownaddress

There is a saying that depression can't hit a moving target, and it is so true.

I've never heard this before and makes sense. I lack any kind of energy or desire to make myself do anything even if I know it would be good for me sadly.

You have impressed me enormously. that is amazing you are managing to make yourself get going exercise.

@ginasevern

I kept thinking that by the time the grief had eased I would have wasted years of my life in a sort of twilight existence, wracked with pain.

YES! Exactly this. A sort of twilight existence is exactly it. It's not even half a life. It's like being in the shadows or a sort of spirit between worlds here and moving about but unable to participate.

My year last year feels like it was not real and like I slept walked through it.

No personal experience but Rachel Hewitt has recently started a Substack series that may be helpful

https://open.substack.com/pub/rachelhewitt/p/when-the-worst-happens-2-is-there?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=17xl0t

Ds took his life out of the blue 17 months ago. Not even had the inquest yet so feel in a state of limbo.
Had no counselling but I feel I am managing the grief better. He is my first thought when I wake, either at 3 am or morning. I can feel tears starting at moments every day but distract myself.
You would never know I was a bereaved mother.....I lead a full life and am determined not to be miserable. It was his choice and I cannot change that.
I have a lot of anger which helps me.

Some terribly sad and difficult experiences on this thread. My heart goes out to you all.

I lost 3 people very close to me, separately, within 14 months of each other, including both my parents. Nothing traumatic, but none were expected, and it did seem like no time to breathe or grieve in between.

I can't give you an estimation of time. I CAN tell you it is very different for each of us. My sister and I reacted very differently.
I went to a bereavement support group and all the people there reacted differently and had different outlooks and different responses.
I think what can be quite common is that things - feelings perhaps - come and go. Sometimes 'triggered' by an event, or place, or piece of music, or family occasion, but sometimes for no apparent reason - you are just driving somewhere or waiting for a bus, or doing some housework. What I found was that gradually, over time, the length of time between me starting to cry, got longer, and, gradually, I could think 'Oh, I've not been upset for a few weeks now'. It doesn't ever go completely. It's over 20 years now, and I still well up at family occasions that my Mum would have enjoyed, (weddings, graduations, etc) or I bump into someone who knew my parents and they will still tell me they miss my Dad and what a lovely chap he was, but overwhelmingly, when I talk about any of them now, I am talking about happy memories - "Do you remember when Mum used to....." etc.

For me it really helped to 'carry on with life (which is definitely what all of them would have told me to do). Routines, and being busy really helped.

Thanking you for your replies and condolences to everyone again, especially those who have suffered grief from traumatic deaths.

That substack looks useful thank you @mrslovebomb

Did the bereavment group help @JustGiveMeReason . I quite like the idea of being with others grieving but then feel strange about it and like it may be too personal to bear all. I do find other deaths make me very sad and wonder whether being with other people in grief may just be the same effect.

It helped me immensely @userb130303

Everyone has a different experience of grief. Tomorrow marks the 19th month of DH death. Sometimes I feel ok, then almost immediately feel guilty for feeling ok and then, of course, feel grief stricken all over again. It feels both so long and yet like it was yesterday simultaneously. I have ptsd from his death. Sometimes I just pretend it never happened because it’s easier to get through the day. (Group therapy would not suit me). My therapist says you learn to live with the grief and it just becomes part of who you are. I’m trying very hard to believe it whilst not wanting to believe it.
I hope it gets more bearable with time. Grief can’t catch a busy person is the phrase which has got me this far.

I think I have this, recently bereaved and know of 5 people who all died within the same year as my mother. 12 week wait for cruse bereavement, no family/support and very isolated.

@Searchingforananswer2023 sorry for your losses and to everyone here.

I had a really tough day today and feel really down and frightened about the future. One of the problems is that I can't sleep often. I know people sometimes say that meaning they struggle to drop off but last night I didn't sleep at all. Grief is so much much terribly worse for me when I'm tired. I feel two hundred times as low. I'm not sure why it is that much worse. I know being tired is not a good operational state generally but it is so disproportionate in terms of effect on that grief dark depression.

It’s almost 2 years since my dh died. It was a horrible traumatic prolonged death from cancer. It will be his anniversary at the end of next month.
i am still so sad.
i haven’t engaged with any counselling yet. I want to but it’s hard to know where to find it. I tried to register with Cruise, to attend a group session but they’re full and not even operating a waiting list.
i feel so sad and alone most of the time. Friends have husbands and children and don’t have time for me. Sometimes meeting them makes me feel worse anyway, as it just reinforces what I have lost.
it’s been years since I’ve been on holiday. I’ve taken the plunge and booked a few short breaks alone.
i do have dcs but one lives in another country and one has serious mh issues, definitely much worse from the trauma we all experienced. They won’t engage with anything or anyone which also makes me so sad and worried.
I'm not sure I'm helping in any way, but you’re definitely not alone.
One friend going through a divorce tried to tell me, that is worse than a partner dying? They’ve met a huge support group of divorcees and are meeting up, holidaying and attending social events together.
They suggested I meet up with fellow widows and do the same. It’s so not the same and I feel bereft still. Maybe I’ll start to heal in Year 3?
I just try to keep busy and hope one day life won’t be so tough.
i dread my retirement as we had plans and they are no longer possible. I feel like I have lost my future.
Lately, I have been rewatching Friends and it is so good to laugh again and remember watching it when I was young, happy and full of hope for the future.
Sending Good wishes OP and hoping this thread brings some good ideas for you x

@Timesnearlyup thanks for posting and sorry for your loss too.

If you read the posts on this thread it sounds like about 3 years light starts to emerge.

I've never been divorced but I do know that people can say all sorts of stupid things about grief especially complex grief when they've not experienced it.

I did have a phase of looking advice on life rebuilding for divorced women because I think there are some similarities there - in that some people who get divorced can lose a whole life and network. The problem is that if you feel as we feel you just don't want to.

My grief counsellor said to me that this is normal - if your body and mind needs time and space for healing you will want to hide away from people because on some level you know you can't cope with it. Your mind is protecting you in other words.

I know what you mean about feeling you have lost your future. I feel like that. I used to be happy most of the time but now don't think I have any true happiness in future as I don't love anyone anymore (they are all dead) and don't want a relationship so will never have that level of happiness. You know what I mean the kind of extra meaning and joy that goes with being around people you love and who you know love you. I don't have any solutions. I only hope it gets more tolerable but that's the best I can hope for and I don't really want that. I don't want just this existence without everyone else. I miss them and want them back but know it's not happening.

Friends was my go -to late night comfort watch on Netflix. Since it's gone I've been watching Not Going Out and Miranda. I like Miranda but I'm nearly at the end of it now as it was only 3 seasons and I can see it may not be everyone's cup of tea. I find it funny though.

@userb130303 thanks so much for posting.
i hope that one day things will get better. It’s so hard at this point. They’re really should be more groups for people who lose loved ones earlier than they should. It’s definitely a complex and draining process.
i hope one day i find some happiness again.
I hope everyone on this thread does.
i will keep a watch and follow through on the good advice given.
ill also check out Not Going Out and Miranda. Thank you for the recommendations 🙂

My second baby was stillborn, and I rather stupidly ended up pregnant again in under a year. I basically didn't allow myself to grieve at all, and then about 3 years after, boy did it hit me completely out of the blue. I couldn't get out of bed for crying, kept being sick and DH had to get our GP out to me at home. They kindly explained that grief doesn't go away until you've processed it. I tried therapy but it wasn't for me, and I'd say that it was around 5 years in total to feel myself again.

My Dad died 3 years ago (his last months of life and death were horribly traumatic due to the type of cancer he had). I was lucky enough to have built a strong relationship with his palliative care team who very promptly pushed me into bereavement therapy with someone from the hospice team when I mentioned nightmares that woke me screaming. This time it helped massively, and I'm feeling pretty much back to myself. The scars are liveable with, I guess.

My 8 year old (1 week off being 9) died of a brain tumour 7 weeks ago. Hecwas in very poor condition by the time he went, but had been on chemo a long time. It was benign and didnt grow so nobody ever really had any answers as to why it killed him other than it was on the brainstem. I watched him go from a little bouncy frog to slowly paralized withput any speech over 2 years. The first year of the decline i actually put alot of his difficultness and whatnot down to growing up and really got on his case at times as of course there was the usual getting to school/work on time that everyone else has. I didnt realise he was becoming really sick. The night before his death i put him in his own bed. Honestly, because he was tired and i was tired and although i checked on him and changed him through the night, he'd been in my bed for quite some time previous to that. He didnt want to go in his own bed that night. Probably because he knew he was dying. I cant get over the guilt of so many things.

I’m so sorry for your losses.
@Hellokitty1986 I can’t imagine how hard that is. I think that in all circumstances, no matter what, we have regrets. There will always be something that we could have done differently. Please forgive yourself.

I wanted to mention to people who are really struggling still, that medication can help. I find that sometimes I can’t actually move through it on my own. I get stuck in ruminating and obsessing, and increasing my medication (on a low dose permanently for pain) really helps me pick myself up and function again.

And yes to bereavement groups. They run them at Funeral Directors, with churches, as well as other places. GPs and Funeral Directors should be able to signpost you to them. You don’t need to talk, you can just listen. It can be soothing to hear other people processing their lossEs.

💐 to add, may you all find peace 🙏