If you had complex/complicated grief, please could you let me know

[userb130303]

about your journey through grief and how long it took you to feel like you were functioning even close to normal.

I am having grief counselling and have complex grief for a pile of reasons but the simplest explanation is a series of deaths within a short-ish period and one of them was my mother.

I am now over a year since the last death which sort of followed a normal grief pattern to start with. Felt surprisingly ok to start with but that was shock. Rough time when shock wore off. Then felt ok but recently have taken a huge huge downturn - feel like life is pretty pointless and have no interest in anything. Nothing makes me happy more than for a passing moment and I can't be bothered to think of things for the future because I am not interested in anything. Everyone ends up dead so what is the point and I do not want to live in a world without the people I love who are all dead now. The slightest thing will make me feel even worse - a death of someone else not particularly close, dealing with anything financial relating to various estates, even someone being a bit rude in a shop.

I have explored all options including speaking with medical professionals and have read widely and am having grief counselling so I'm not looking for advice about coping -

what I'm asking for any one who has had this experience, if you feel able, please could you talk to me about your grief pattern (time frame and ups and downs) and how long it took to come out of this state of almost nihilistic depression and to find joy in anything?

how long can i expect this hellish state to exist for? I know its different for everyone but looking for a bit of hope somewhere...

I’m so sorry and it is very brave of you to post here. I suffered complex grief when my daughter took her own life. I loved her very much and miss her every day. It has been such a difficult journey. I was in deep shock for several months and it was months before I could venture outside of my house.
The second year was so hard too as you are coming to terms with everything and the shock has worn off a little.
Then I gradually felt more peaceful but not sure how … it was as if a peaceful feeling settled around me.
My other daughter had a similar experience. She sought counselling and was diagnosed with ptsd and I think I maybe have it also.
I tried counselling but just felt worse and was not able to cope with it. One thing that has helped me more than anything is an online bereavement group run by Sue Ryder. It made me realise that others had a similar experience to me and I could say anything and it was okay.

I hope you are okay … sending a big hug.

@Hellokitty1986 @MrsLizzieDarcy @Autumngirl5 Sincere condolences to you all. There is so much pain on this thread. It brings me back to 'what is the point of it all?'. I feel like I was lucky to have lived as long as I did without bereavement but complex grief is a killer (ironically).

@Hellokitty1986 the last part of your post is heartbreaking to read. I can feel the pain of your guilt in your words. You do know logically though that you shouldn't feel guilty. Children up and down the country insist every night they want to sleep in their parents bed just because its what they want. It's more likely that is the reason than any sense of death. You really shouldn't torture yourself about that. If you are tired, you are no good to someone you are caring for. It is a rational decision and not a bad decision. I know me telling you not to feel guilty won't make any difference if its how you feel inside but it may help over time chip away at your irrational guilt.

I think it's human nature to go over ever last thing we did and pick it to pieces and beat ourselves up. Even if everything was perfect, it becomes 'I could have done it better'. I think its a form of mental self harm because we are all in such pain, we think we deserve more pain by picking over the slightest thing that could add some more guilt on to the pain pile.

It's ridiculous though. When all is said and done, the only thing that really matters are whether at the time you did what you thought was best and that the person you lost knew and felt that you loved them. In most cases, both of these will apply in mountains.

I'm crying writing this. I've had another bad day. I have death related things to do and can't face it. So instead I have avoided everything by doing anything else I could to avoid it including stupid jobs in the garden and spending hours playing a candy crush type game. I don't even really like the game and now I am full of self disgust for wasting hours. It's a strange thing - it's like a comfort activity to distract me from death and things I have to do but at the same time, I feel disgusted with myself and full of hate for myself for doing it. How can that be? I can't take these horrible days and these horrible feelings of being so low and so down.

I wish I could just walk out of my life and leave it all behind but of course I can't because the pain will come too wherever I am I'd still be lonely and hurting and missing them.

@userb130303 have you ever knitted? Now might be a good time to start. I find it a good alternative to the scrolling and candy crushing dopamine hits. You can have the radio on, tv, and knit squares for babies in hospital. It’s very soothing, better than scrolling and swiping.

And also, just to add, it’s ok to get through this one mucky minute at a time. You don’t have to be brave, productive, efficient… you just have to hang in there for a brighter day. It will come. Just endure until it does.

Still watching this thread and I sympathise when you said 'whats the point of it all?' I feel that daily when the most important person in my life isn't here. I ordered medical records to double check a few things and it just added to my misery, the pain and suffering before death is recorded on every page. I am trying now to think of the long term. In five years I know I won't feel like this but it is so hard in these early days and I know I have to go on with life because that is what she wanted for me.

In five years I know I won't feel like this but it is so hard in these early days and I know I have to go on with life because that is what she wanted for me.

This is the problem isn't it. It's why I started this thread as I wanted to know how long it would be in this hell. If only we could pass through these years speedily. I feel like it's dead time - not the right phrase but hopefully you understand my meaning. I feel like I am not achieving anything or doing anything just passing through the day. I have some time when it is numb which is ok but other times that are so painful. Dull numbness is about as good as my day gets or those moments when you aren't thinking about the fact they aren't here any more and you'll never hug them or see them again.

If I had a button I could press to advance 3 years, I would press it. People may say you have missed out on 3 years but I don't feel like that. It's just endurance battling on alone. Although if we are wishing for buttons, I would be running for the 'exit' button provided it was go to sleep at night not wake up painless type of exit button.

@PrizedPickledPopcorn no I haven't knitted. Wouldn't know how to start.

And also, just to add, it’s ok to get through this one mucky minute at a time. You don’t have to be brave, productive, efficient… you just have to hang in there for a brighter day. It will come. Just endure until it does.

Thank you for this above ^. I really feel so disgusted with myself when I do this kind of wasted time procrastinating candy crush or any distraction thing. I then think about how appalled my loved ones would be with me for wasting my time like this and this then makes me cry more as I feel I am letting them all down as well as being disgusted with myself.

When I feel as bad as I feel now, I honestly feel like I am falling apart. I've dealt with so much and I know I am a strong person as I've faced much that many others couldn't have coped with or been willing to deal with either (caring at home) but I think I've just been powering on, putting everyone else before me, and now it's all caught up with me. I don't know how I can have gone from being a tower of strength for everyone else to now being a useless piece of blancmange pissing my days away with wasted time, fear and crying.

Do you work now OP?
I have kept a diary, just on a word document of everyday since my bereavement, initially because I was in shock and needed to plan things properly and not miss anything. I record all the mundane, just in a list, and I can also see what I have managed to achieve. It is helpful as I now live alone and I can look at my day/week and make sure that I am going out, seeing other people in real life, having an interaction.

You aren’t falling apart. You’re recovering. Like anything that’s been stretched beyond its proper limits, you’re a bit worse for wear. Like overstretched elastic that’s got a bit frayed in places. Try and look after your body, if you can. Help it heal.

It’s not just losing someone. It’s also losing your support system. It’s grieving for what might have been. I thought after the first year of ‘firsts’ it would somehow miraculously get better to cope. If I’m able to be honest - it got worse as I no longer had ‘stuff’ I had to do - solicitors/banks stuff. I’ve tried replacing the void with work, going out and doing things, exercise, going to group activities meeting new people. It fills the time but not the void. Things happen I want/need to talk through with DH and he’s not there. I don’t know if that gets easier, I hope it does, but fear it won’t.

It’s been 10 years since my daughter died

I’d say they said 2 years for grief but I’d say it was 8 years for close to normal. 2 years for a little better, 3 for a lot better. Years 3-6 still hard on and off and Years 6-8 on a steady road up. 8-10 feels like recovery.

I’m so sorry you lost your son. I think whatever happens we feel guilty about something so try to think of all the lovely things you did for him … you sound to me like a lovely mum. Sending a big hug.