I’m out of my depth

[BarkItOff]

My mum died this week. She had a long battle with a terminal illness but her death was still sudden and unexpected as we were told she still had several months and hadn’t even stated on the end of life plan when she died.

Funeral planning is falling to me as the eldest child, although I can’t do anything yet as her death has been referred to the coroner, and I’m out of my depth.

I’ve never had to do anything like this before and everyone has a different opinion. When my mum was alive she told me she wanted a direct crematorium with no service and so that’s who I selected to collect her.

But now I’m hearing all different things that she told other people. She only wanted that because she didn’t want to be a burden on me and me having to worry about paying for it. She didn’t leave any money or funeral plan as she was in a lot of debt at her death. She only wanted that because some of the immediate family were not speaking to each other, except they have now put their differences aside due to this.

I don’t know if I follow what mum said to me or listen to what she said to others. I know she was anti religion and wouldn’t have wanted any church service etc. but it seems not enough to quietly have her cremated with nothing to mark the huge loss we’re all feeling.

I wish I had asked her more about her reasons and thoughts but I thought we had more time. I didn’t want to think about that time and now here I am not knowing what she would have wanted me to do.

You can only do what you know your mum wanted you to do. Every bugger under the sun has an opinion on funerals once your love done has died but very few of those people step in and help out in the days, weeks and months beforehand. I am so sorry for your loss.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

listen to what your mum said, disregard the other people unless there are one or two who you trust to help you and share the burden

funerals are for the living, so plan something that you feel is the send off that you want to give her, while respecting your mums religious beliefs.

cremation is just a method of laying to rest, you can add whatever service you like to it.

I am so sorry for the loss of your mum. My mum wanted the same. I found it hard not to have a more traditional funeral but I think she was right. Funerals and services are very hard for those of us left although some people feel they help with closure. You can specify that the cremation takes place locally. I did this and although I couldn't attend the cremation I went to the crematorium and sat in the gardens at the appointed time. I saw them take her in and could say a quiet goodbye to her. I picked a few of the daisies from the grounds and pressed them. I still have them. She was a non-believer and in the end I was glad to have followed her wishes.

My partner died yesterday and we will do the same for him, at his request. I am going to give the funeral directors a letter from me to him to go with him and some messages from friends. I will go and sit in the grounds again for his cremation so I can say my own goodbyes. I wish you strength. Please don't worry too much about which decision you make - no decision will be wrong, and it is best to follow your own understanding of her wishes rather than listen to anyone else.

I'm so sorry OP.

The coroners office will give you an interim death certificate to use for now. Use tell us once that will inform the government agencies. Tell the bank last. If you struggle with the code on the certificate contact the coroners office and they'll set it up for you.

Can you afford a funeral? As the one organising, paying for it will fall to you. Ask everyone if they can chip in and if you're on any benefits, see if you can access help that way.

You'll probably get letters from her debtors wanting money from the estate. It's a bit distressing but it'll come a bit later.

One step at a time.

many condolences for the loss of your mother 🌹

You may be eligible for government assistance for basic funeral costs for your mother:

https://www.gov.uk/funeral-payments/eligibility

it depends on your mother's financial circumstances, but it sounds like if your mother had debts, then it is likely you will qualify. The details of how to apply are on the gov.uk website I've linked above.

From what I’ve read the funeral expenses payment depends on the financial circumstances of the next of kin not the deceased. I don’t claim any benefits so I wouldn’t be entitled. I can’t just afford the funeral but I would struggle with anything more than the basic and would need a payment plan. I’m the only one of my siblings that works so I’m very unlikely to get any financial help towards it from them.

Honestly your mum said to you what she wanted. Even IF she said it to avoid you having to pay, then honour that wish as she didn’t want to put you out and upset you further than you are already by her death. Maybe in a while (? Her birthday?) you could arrange a small memorial thing for her. Be it a picnic or a gathering or something… when the dust settles and you’re not reeling in shock and grief. For now just do the direct cremation as she wanted. Sorry for your loss.

Honestly I would go with the direct cremation and then you can organise a separate event if you want to. Everyone always has an opinion when someone dies but isn't left with the responsibility. My Dad died in hospital and had a coroner's investigation and then a direct cremation. The hospital gave my Mum details of companies. They make arrangements to use local crematoriums when they are less busy. The coroners office will be helpful guiding how it all works. I had a friend that died when I lived in a not very wealthy area and she had a council funeral as she has no next of kin. We went to a local family friendly pub after and all had a little dessert and a coffee and shared memories. People just paid for their own and this worked well on a budget. Emotionally it was very tricky I would look for some support services for instance cruse have a helpline

I would check with them anyway. A lot of the statements on the website say "you may be entitled...". If you don't have the money, and your mother didn't have the money, then youre going to be put into a hardship situation yourself. if you don't ask you don't get.

ETA, could one of your siblings make the application if any of them are on benefits? That could increase the chances of getting something.

It’s very tempting to spend money to show love but don’t feel guilty about having a low cost option. That’s literally what your mum wanted for you.
The important thing is to get together and share your pain and your memories. Just an ash scattering event and a cup of tea and cake is enough.
I think it’s useful to have a summary of her life as the focus of any event. Can you get together with siblings and gather your thoughts for something to be read out?
Im sorry for your loss.

My uncle died a couple of years ago & I had to organise it all. He had no money to pay for anything either. I still wanted an opportunity to say goodbye so we did a direct cremation, then we hired a room at a local venue and just did our own memorial, a few of us spoke, we played some music, showed some photos, my DD read a poem and then we all ate and chat together for a few hours, it only cost a couple of hundred pounds and was actually a really beautiful day and way to say goodbye. In essence you can do what works for you, ultimately a funeral or whatever it is you do is a way for you and those left behind to say goodbye, do what will work for you all.

I’d come back and haunt my kids if they got themselves in debt for my funeral, that quite possibly your mum didn’t want anyway. Direct cremation seems to be more and more popular.

@hellotojason’s suggestion is perfect.

Sorry for your loss.

Can one of your siblings take over the funeral prep so they can tap onto the help available maybe?

Our independent funeral place does direct cremations for 1400 quid. The cheapest funeral with a cardboard coffin, no cars is 3 grand.

Your mum told you what she wanted so stick to that. Don't spend money on something she didn't want. Stick to your guns. You can find a guide online of the things you need to do when someone dies. Work your way through, one step at a time.

my FIL recently had a direct cremation, and we are planning a family get together later in the year where people can get together and reminisce and celebrate his life. You can do these things in different ways, maybe when you are not in quite such a state of shock. I do think it is good to have an opportunity for family and friends to gather as it is usually part of the grieving process and saying goodbye.

In your shoes I'd stick with what your Mum told you. Others might think it's right to have a funeral but it's not what your Mum wanted.
Tell them that someone else can arrange a get together to mark her death and they can all contribute to it.
End of discussion.

I’m sorry for your loss, and that you weren’t as prepared as you’d expected to be. Try and remember, there are no rules, just expectations.

It isn’t ’your responsibility’, it’s the whole family’s responsibility unless they have asked you to take it on.

There’s no rush, under the circumstances. And indeed, there’s rarely a rush anyway. It’s self imposed.

I was irritated by my Mum’s lack of interest in what anyone else wanted. She was losing her husband, we lost our dad and my aunt lost her little brother. None of us were consulted about any element at all. Mum organised a grand event, a great show, and we all worked hard to pull it off. At the end of the day though, what mattered was that we’d lost our dad. Everything else is wallpaper, really. Ribbons on our loss.

Your mum said direct cremation, and that’s the affordable option. You can organise a goodbye event separately, later, for those most affected.

Your mum told you what she wanted, and that’s what you should stick with. Don’t let other people sway you.

Please use a local funeral director and not one of those direct cremation companies you see advertised on TV. It will be much cheaper and done locally.

Oh I am sorry, this sounds hard, you must be in shock. I’d arrange for the family to get together on the day of the direct cremation, assuming that those who have put their differences aside are willing to do this. Would your Mum be really happy that these differences have been put aside? If so, I’d want to build on that now.
Sorry it’s so hard for you though and yes, everyone has a different opinion on a funeral which only adds to the stress. Do what you think is right for your Mum now.

This sounds so hard. I'm sorry your mum died so suddenly.
Could I ask why the funeral planning has to be your burden alone? If your siblings (or other close relatives) have views on how it should be managed, could they not be active participants in the arrangements?

I do feel that you should trust your mum's words about her funeral. I also feel that direct cremations are a sensible thing. The funeral industry has become so bizarrely able to charge insane amounts for all the various trimmings.

But, again, it shouldn't just be you who has the burden of deciding and planning. xxx

Follow your mums wishes OP, ignore everyone else.

My mum said she only wanted me, my brother, our partners and children at her funeral. A lot of people put me under pressure to change this as they wanted to attend. I’m glad I stuck to her wishes.

My mum died unexpectedly at the end of last year. She left no specific wishes around funeral so my brother and I had to make it up. We kept things as simple as we could, but were also aware some other family members would probably disagree or want things done differently. They actually kept their mouths shut, because really you have to be a bit of a twat to go after someone who has just lost a parent.

As a warning, the fairly simple crematorium service with a celebrant cost almost £5k. The money didn’t matter to us, but if the money is not there, it’s not there.

I’m the eldest and so I’ve been told it’s up to me. I’m also the only one with a job so no one else can afford it, hence it’s falling to me.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

You don’t have to do anything yet, there’s not much official you can do until you have the death certificate.

Funeral costs take precedence over everything else so what you will be able to do once you have the certificate is contact your mums bank. The funeral director can send the invoice to the bank and they will pay directly from your mums account. The bank will have a bereavement team and they are very helpful.

I’m the youngest of 4 (by some margin), yet it all fell to me. For both parents. In my family it’s because I’m the bossiest and organised.