I’m out of my depth

[BarkItOff]

My mum died this week. She had a long battle with a terminal illness but her death was still sudden and unexpected as we were told she still had several months and hadn’t even stated on the end of life plan when she died.

Funeral planning is falling to me as the eldest child, although I can’t do anything yet as her death has been referred to the coroner, and I’m out of my depth.

I’ve never had to do anything like this before and everyone has a different opinion. When my mum was alive she told me she wanted a direct crematorium with no service and so that’s who I selected to collect her.

But now I’m hearing all different things that she told other people. She only wanted that because she didn’t want to be a burden on me and me having to worry about paying for it. She didn’t leave any money or funeral plan as she was in a lot of debt at her death. She only wanted that because some of the immediate family were not speaking to each other, except they have now put their differences aside due to this.

I don’t know if I follow what mum said to me or listen to what she said to others. I know she was anti religion and wouldn’t have wanted any church service etc. but it seems not enough to quietly have her cremated with nothing to mark the huge loss we’re all feeling.

I wish I had asked her more about her reasons and thoughts but I thought we had more time. I didn’t want to think about that time and now here I am not knowing what she would have wanted me to do.

I'm arranging my Dad's funeral currently and expect it to cost at least 6.5k as we have a big family. It has already cost me a few hundred for suitable attire and other stuff out of my own money. It has been really stressful and i haven't really had any time to grieve, and it was stressful in the weeks before he died too as I was trying to arrange his care and was visiting a lot. I am choosing a direct cremation for myself because of this.

I'm doing this out of love for my Dad, as deep down I think he and his family would want a nice service, but he has money for this. It would be different if he hadn't, and we would have done a direct cremation and done our own memorial, which I don't think would have been less nice, it's just he had the money, so we are using it. It is still a fair whack of his estate, and he only had it because he got ill and died very quickly.

When cancelling my Dad's attendance allowance and registering his death, they asked about funeral help, so it is worth asking for help if offered.

In your shoes I would get a nice urn and have a direct cremation. You don't have to have a service now. If you wait for the summer, you could do a memorial/scattering ceremony somewhere nice and get everyone to bring food, share photos etc. If it was the summer now I'd be tempted to do this instead of what we doing, as I actually think it's nicer and what my Dad would have liked.

I think we only do funerals the traditional way because of religion and because you can hand most of the organising to a funeral director once you have decided it. Really all you need to do is organise a cremation and collect the ashes. Tell the others that you dont have money for anything more than that, but you will arrange a memorial gathering outside somewhere in the summer. Don't let other people put you under pressure to spend money you don't have.

My son died suddenly a few months ago. I made the decisions about the funeral.and I believe funerals are for the living. For me, it would have made an awful situation worse if we did not have a funeral as it helps with closure. I wanted to give him a dignified send off and mark his life. Seeing his friends there helped. There was no religious element and we cut out all unnecessary extras.
Most people who came had to travel. If most people were local, we could have had a short 9am service for not much more than the cost of a direct funeral.

I know direct funerals are popular but I believe we all need that rite of passage. People would not have travelled just for a get together later.

I did a direct cremation for dh. Then we had a meal out for the people who showed up when he needed help.

Its all very well for everyone to stick their oar in then leave you to stump up but it’s not fair on you.