I cannot function

[blankcanvas3]

DB died a couple of months ago. He lived with us and I was his carer; though we did have other carers too. I adored him since I can remember. He was such a present part of our lives. His death was traumatic for us all, we didn’t expect it. I feel like I am able to be ‘normal’ most of the time, looking after my kids etc, but as soon as i am alone it’s like I just stop. I want to scream and cry and stay in bed forever. I miss him so much. I had to lock myself in the bathroom when the last F1 race was on because I knew if he was here he’d be watching it with DH. I don’t know how to move on from this. I am not being a good mum because my thoughts are always with him. I’m disappointing my DH because I can’t recover from this. I don’t know how I’m going to have a nice Christmas. I feel so alone and nothing is helping

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5432281-reassurance-required-please?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share previous thread for more info as I can’t bring myself to explain everything

I remember your previous thread OP. You are allowed to be floored by this. It wasn't long ago at all. My dad's brother died a couple of months ago in his mid fifties. It wasn't especially unexpected but everyone is still very cut up about it, and he wasn't a member of dad's day to day household. Give yourself some grace and allow yourself to grieve.

Do you have evidence your DH is disappointed, or might it just be that he's both sad about your brother, and sad for you. I know that watching someone I loved be that upset would be upsetting but I wouldn't be disappointed in them for feeling that way.

I do think a bit chunk of grief is slowing time to pass, but if you're finding you are repeating unhelpful messages to yourself, it might be worth developing some alternatives. "I'm a mum who loves my children but who is grieving. Needing to grieve doesn't make me a bad mum. They have a dad who loves them too and between us they get the care and love they need." (Adapt your own for your most destructive thought patterns.) The key thing here is you don't have to believe the new thought pattern you say, to start with you just need to say it.

I'd also say, honestly, you don't need to have a nice Christmas. It will probably be hard. And that's okay. This is a months and months type getting better scenario, not a days and weeks scenario.

Oh OP. This is upsetting to read. Be kind to yourself, it’s very hard when we lose someone special.
Don't worry about Christmas, there’ll be another one along soon. Just do the bits you need to do and forget the rest.

Thank you for this, it’s really lovely.

RE DH - I know he’s sad about DB too. He was as much a part of his life as he was mine, but I can almost feel his frustration if that makes sense? DB lived in our annexe and he’s said a few times I need to stop going in there because it’s making me feel worse. I will admit, I’ve slept in there a couple of times and I do go in there almost everyday.

I think you’re right about Christmas. Maybe I just need to accept it’s going to be shit and that’s that. I think i’ve just been so focussed on making sure it’s great for my younger DD it’s taken it out of me a little bit

I remember your first post @blankcanvas3 and I was heartbroken for you.
It's not been long at all. Especially as you lived together.
Take your time. Is your husband actually cross with you, or adjusting without your brother too?

You will get through this, you sound like an amazing sister and he sounds like he was a great brother.
Sending all my love to you. Life after caring for a family member is brutal.

Not cross at all! Frustrated I would say. But maybe frustrated because he can’t do much to help. I just wish I could push past it a little bit more rather than moping all the time

You are being much too hard on yourself

when your not with people do just that - go to bed and cry

you are In the first stages of grief - just let it come

i I would plan some time alone after you’ve spent lots of time with people as you will need to release some emotion if you’ve been holding it In

really wishing you good luck..you will get through this - I lost my husband 3 years ago at Xmas and last Xmas was really good - this one is terrible as grief wave has come

grief is like waves that floor you then you get to settle
u tol the next one

so sorry for your loss. thank you for your lovely words xxx

If it helps OP, you could always use this thread to get some of your emotions out?

I think the thing to remember here is that the only way out is through. The grieving will be part of what allows you (eventually) to move on. It's natural.

I think I would reframe it as your husband being frustrated he can't help you more. But I would make sure you give consideration to whether to things help you (by allowing you to grieve) or whether they're swirling you round in a vortex in a way that isn't helping you. And going into his space could very well be either of those categories - I don't think anyone but you can know which.

I aggree you are being way to hard on yourself and there’s no benefit to it.

I am so sorry for your loss. You are allowed to grieve, he was a large part of your life ❤️‍🩹💔❤️

I remember your thread too, do you think post traumatic stress may be playing a part here? I struggled with the care DH was given in the medical episode that ultimately led to his death and it compounded how I felt in the weeks and months after his death.

I’m sorry for your loss. The doctor did mention PTSD today when I saw her for something to help me sleep. I’m experiencing quite bad flashbacks particularly in the early hours of the morning (the time which I got the call to tell me he was going to die). She said specific therapy would help but didn’t go into much detail. Is there anything you recommend? X

I just had some straightforward bereavement counselling from our local hospice, they did mention a couple of different therapies (EMDR and CBT) that might help but I found just talking to them helped. Our hospice also offer a walking group for anyone who has been bereaved (you don't have to have used the hospice to access the support group) and I have found that hugely beneficial as the other members really 'get it'.

That’s really helpful, thank you so much. I know it sounds silly but tonight I’ve just been so angry at DH because although I know he must be sad, he’s not as sad as me so he doesn’t understand! Which is completely ridiculous because he’s lovely and has been so understanding, and I’m being nasty to him. I think speaking to other people in a similar boat will help. I’ll look up my local hospices and see what they offer

Just read both threads.

You haven't had an easy life in so many ways. What love you showed your wonderful brother looking after him for so long. What a horrible thing to happen, so very sorry. It will be especially hard with two very young children, please take it easy on yourself for a very long time.

Hopefully your husband will be patient gor the vast majority of the time, although of course, it wont be easy for him too, at times.

Wishing you every strength and keep speaking about your brother. We'd all love to hear more about him.

Your brother was such a vital and beloved part of your life, and it hasn’t even been two months. Of course you’re still in pieces. Your DH is probably trying to be practical and helpful, but different people grieve in such different ways. I don’t know how common PTSD is in relatives of adult ITU patients, but I know rates are very high in parents who have children in NICU/PICU, so I can only imagine relatives of adults must likewise be affected, especially if in a caring role. My PTSD was work related, but EMDR was transformational, though a tough process. It is something to keep in mind if the flashbacks don’t start to fade. Hugs.

Thank you so much.

He was lovely, just the happiest soul. His name was Louis and he loved watching football and F1, Bob Dylan and sticky toffee pudding (he had it for dessert every night!). Most of all, he just loved being around us. We’d have coffee every morning together after I’d dropped DS off at school, he went to every one of DS’s football matches, DD1 especially adored him and they were inseparable. When I was 16 and he was 20 I’d go and visit him at our grandparents where he lived, and I’d sneak into his room after they went to bed and we’d watch scary movies together. We still did that together up until he died, just with DH and DS too. He was quite anxious, I think due to our mum abandoning him, so if he was near somebody he loved he always wanted to hold their hand. I think I miss that the most, sitting on the sofa and not having his hand there.

That was very cathartic, thank you for suggesting that 💕

Thank you so much, I will look into EDMR and very interesting about PTSD in parents with children who have been ICU!

Your brother sounds wonderful @blankcanvas3 , I’m so sorry you lost him in those circumstances. You are only the early days and it’s completely normal to feel wide ranging, sudden and strong emotions. Grief is a wild ride. You’re doing amazing. As others have said, be gentle with yourself. From your other thread it sounds like you’ve overcome a fair few challenges - and it seems like you’ve excelled. But this might be a good time to slowly seek help. I can also advocate for EMDR and therapy in general. Even if just as a space for yourself.

Oh OP I remember your thread - I really feel for you. Such a horrible loss. I had a very difficult bereavement in 2023, and I would definitely recommend some grief counselling.
My grief counsellor was/is so good - I'm still seeing her, so please note, it can be a long haul - and she actually did mention PTSD to me, from the trauma of this bereavement and the trauma of events that followed it.
I did some EMDR with her this year, and I did find it v helpful, especially for the self-blame/guilt I was carrying- but it is quite tough going, so I would recommend some ordinary talking therapy/grief counselling first.
I think you are blessed with lovely DC, and I hope your Dh can be supportive of you - it's a long, long process. And don't worry about Christmas! The first Christmas is well known to be horribly difficult - just do what you can - and look at ways you can commemorate your lovely brother along the way.

Thank you for the advice, I’ve spoken to DH (we’re staying up for the boxing so wired on coffee and everyone else is asleep, so lots of time to chat!), and in January we’re going to look for a specific grief counsellor and see how I get on with that, as from what we can see EDMR seems quite stressful so don’t want to go straight in. My parents are going to take the girls tomorrow so that we can have some time to ourselves and make a plan going forward as I can’t carry on the way I have been

I think I also have loads of unresolved feelings surrounding my real mum as I’ve just never dealt with the fact I don’t even know what the woman looks like and haven’t seen her since I was 6 months old. DB dying has brought a lot of that up as i’ve always felt guilty that fundamentally my birth is what drove her to leave us all, and that maybe he would have been happier to have a mum in his life now. We weren’t able to track her down to let her know he had died so she doesn’t even know he’s not here anymore. I suppose I don’t know if she’s alive either

Just wanted to say OP you are an amazing person and sister. I'm so sorry for the horrendous grief you are going through xx

Is it perhaps your dh is frustrated, he can’t make it right for you and his frustration is with himself not being able to ease your pain - rather than frustration with you for grieving, thus his comment about not going in the annex, as he thinks that might help you