I cannot function

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DB died a couple of months ago. He lived with us and I was his carer; though we did have other carers too. I adored him since I can remember. He was such a present part of our lives. His death was traumatic for us all, we didn’t expect it. I feel like I am able to be ‘normal’ most of the time, looking after my kids etc, but as soon as i am alone it’s like I just stop. I want to scream and cry and stay in bed forever. I miss him so much. I had to lock myself in the bathroom when the last F1 race was on because I knew if he was here he’d be watching it with DH. I don’t know how to move on from this. I am not being a good mum because my thoughts are always with him. I’m disappointing my DH because I can’t recover from this. I don’t know how I’m going to have a nice Christmas. I feel so alone and nothing is helping

I'm so sorry you are struggling. I had EMDR after the death of my DD and it was really helpful. It's certainly something to think about. I hope you manage to get through Christmas for the sake of your girls. Be kind to yourself.

All of this is completely understandable, grief has this weird excavating effect for some people. For now I’d just let yourself feel whatever you feel, go with the flow of thoughts and emotions and know that it will change over time.

Also just to add - a good EMDR practitioner will not rush you and won’t start until they know you’re ready. That might not be for a while. I guess it’s like physio for an injury, there’s a certain amount of healing that has to be done first.

FWIW you sound awesome, and I’m sure your brother had a wonderful and happy life with you. I hope you can feel some peace in that, eventually if not now. X

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll share with you how I figured out how to cope with ptsd after a particularly traumatic death. It took me well over a year of horrendous flashbacks to figure it our. I came to realise that it felt like something akin to drowning/swimming in a tidal wave. At first, the wave came from nowhere. It went over my head and I was drowning and fighting for my life. Eventually, I figured out that I could actually feel the wave coming if I knew the warning signs and I learnt to swim away from the wave (deep breathing, distraction techniques, forcing myself to change my thought pattern). It took a long time and it was brutal. Many years later, the wave still comes and every now and then, I miss the signs and it's too late but more often than not, I swim away.
It's possibly way too early for you to be able to even think this way but over time, it may come to help.

You are being much too hard in yourself. Try to show yourself the compassion you would show to your dbrother or a friend.

It's very very early days for you so do whatever you need to cope. In a few months then you can look to being more constructive and adulting.

For now surviving is a win.

Yes I think he probably is frustrated at himself, when I’m being completely rational I can see that he’s really hurting at how much I’m hurting. It’s just those moments where I’m being totally irrational that I feel so angry at him and feel like he’s losing his patience with me. He’s being nothing but kind and supportive, he’s WFH 99% of the time since it happened so I don’t have to be on my own, he’s doing almost everything with DC so I can do my own thing etc. I just wish I could control my feelings more so I’m not so mean to him when I feel out of control

Girls have gone off to DPs until tomorrow, and DH and I are at DS’s football match. He’s then going to his GF’s house so DH and I have a whole 24 hours to ourselves. We’re going to make a bit of a plan for going forward, look into therapists and EDMR. We’re going to watch the darts and spend some proper time together which we haven’t done in ages! I’m looking forward to it and feeling much better today. Thank you for all your kind replies and advice, it’s all really helpful. I feel much lighter now

You are allowed to grieve you know.
I suggest get in touch with local charities for help - including for your kids, as your brother lived in the same house I'm sure it'll have affected them to some extent to, and they often have help for the adults too.
Try www.cruse.org.uk