I’m OK…but worried I’m really not

[madameimadam]

Dad died last month. I feel like I’m ‘coping’ as well as you’d expect in this circumstance.

I just feel so strange. Utterly numb but able to get on with normal life until I get hit by a wave of utter exhaustion. It’s like when I was pg (I’m not!! I’m 48 and that ship has well & truly sailed!)

Is this grief? My mum died 3 years ago and I’m an only child so I’ve had to sort all the practicalities. I’m fucking tired!!

On some level, I know this is all part of the process but it’s just deeply, deeply weird. I’m ok. I have waves of deep sadness and bone-crushing fatigue but then I’m mostly alright.

Was at work on Fri talking with a colleague who’s also been through a recent bereavement. She was in floods and I just felt…nothing. Felt like I was playing a part.

Is there a massive crash coming??! I’m a bit worried that I’m numb and I’m about to get my arse kicked…

Everyone grieves in a different way. Please do not compare yourself to your colleague. Be kind to yourself 💐

My parent died in October and I feel very similarly to you. Utterly and completely exhausted all the time. I get waves of pain in my chest / heart and my throat tightens but I haven’t really cried and worry that I’m going to fall apart at some point.

I miss them so much on an intellectual level but can’t feel it. It so so strange. I feel completely flat and joyless but able to carry on with normal life. Sending condolences to you OP.

DH died three years ago. I am still waiting for the tears to come. I wish they would. I wish I didn't feel as empty and lost as I do and I wish I could get rid of the strange feeling in my heart but I have come to the conclusion that this is my way of grieving, that everyone grieves in their own way and that there is no right and no wrong way to mourn the person you have lost.

Sending you much strength

Thank you everyone. I am feeling very sad and lost tonight so your words have brought me comfort.

It’s just far more nuanced than simply crying it out isn’t it?
I’ve absolutely done my fair share of tears BTW. It’s the strange feeling of veering between deep sadness & fatigue and feeling mostly normal.

no idea what’s going on TBH…just gotta ride the waves…

I lost my DH when we were 27, it was a huge life changing time for me. I didn’t cry for years afterwards I’m not sure I ever really have. I did, however, have panic attacks, chest pains, numbness in various parts of my body, lack of balance when walking and multiple other strange symptoms. Grief is all consuming and strange.. and different for everyone.

I’m so sorry for your loss.
Mostly normal with waves of exhaustion is totally normal. Especially if you have to carry on your normal days. You sort of just do. But then a crash of numb/tired, which sort of dissipates for a bit until the next time.
As everyone says, all grief is different, and it’s all ok. Different grieving even between different people that you lose - that’s certainly been my experience.
You may crash, you may not. But you’re doing it right, whatever you do. Much love to you.

@madameimadam sorry for the loss of your Dad. I could have written a very similar post myself. Mum died nearly four weeks ago. I spent the first three weeks completely bereft and not coping. Then suddenly, it was like a switch flipped. I had three days of feeling almost completely normal, with a bit of sadness mixed in. It’s hit me again this evening, but in a much more manageable way.

It doesn’t feel like this is “right”, I feel like I should still be in the bereft state - and actually I expect it’ll come again big time when we have her funeral (delayed due to Coroner involvement). Maybe I feel in limbo? Or on pause? Or still in shock? I don’t know.

But thank you for posting because it’s reassuring to know others feel similar.

Both waves and numbness are normal.

Waves because our bodies cannot physically sustain intense pain or emotion for an indefinite period of time.

Numbness because it protects you from the pain and allows you to gradually process things and ride out the waves without being drowned.

When my dad died I kept falling asleep in the middle of the day to the point where I was starting to worry there might be something wrong with me. It was grief though and gradually improved.

I’m glad you posted this. My mum died last week and I feel numb. People message me expecting that I’m in bits but I’m mostly not. Even today has been ok. I have little moments of big sadness, but mostly just nothing. I’ve had to work, I’m self employed, Xmas is busy and I’m struggling financially. And I’m managing.
Im assuming it will all rush in at some point. The coroner hasn’t released her so there’s been nothing to do. But I feel guilty. Like I’m letting her down and I didn’t love her enough or something.

Yep I get waves of sadness, sometimes anger, other times I'm just exhausted. I miss both parents so much

Have you had the funeral yet OP?

Oh @GingercarIm so sorry for your loss. Life has to go on. I absolutely adored my Dad but I still have to do the food shop, work, clean the house…I’m functioning for want of a better word.

I was walking down the High St and had a really weird moment as the traffic moved and people went about their business that the world keeps going but my world has totally shifted. Most odd.

Yes. Funeral was quite soon after he died as it was all very straightforward with no hold-ups (eg. Medical examiner released him pretty much straightaway as he died in hospital with an obvious cause of death).

It was lovely. Just as he wanted it to be - formal church service then the wake was lots of people sharing funny stories about him & telling me about his kindness & generosity. ❤️

Yes, me too. Exactly that @MrsK89
Christmas was lovely but strange. We changed what we’d normally do & all just shared a huge dinner with lots of us all together.

We raised several glasses to the ones who weren’t there. Later on, I got a bit overwhelmed and had a good cry but on the whole, we got through it.

love to you all. I hope you have good moments in between the sad ones x

I felt like this for a good six months after losing my lovely DH.

and on and off now nearing the year mark I still feel like I’m waiting for the grief to knock me off my feet. I feel like I’m looking at someone else’s life sometimes and cant fathom that it’s my life. I felt I was a fraud living my life, odd and strange that everyone was doing normal life things but I was different, I was now a widow.

I think partly the whole thinking I’ve not grieved is because I’m expecting to fall into a huge crying emotional mess, possibly have a nervous breakdown etc, but I’m told im a strong resourceful woman, the times I have cried are mind numbing but something lifts me out of it, I do something distracting, and I wonder if that’s it until the next time.

i do think I’ve moved on, I think I’ve grieved, but quietly and silently and the times between the awful moments have lengthened.

sorry for your loss 💐

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. I lost my beloved dad in August and I am coping okay. It was expected, and he was so very unwell that it was a relief when he passed. Sometimes the sadness of that overwhelms me more than my grief - but I suppose it’s just another aspect of the grief itself.

I miss him beyond words, but he left such a huge impression on me and my family that he’s never far from memory - he still feels close. When it sometimes hits me, like a truck, I have a good cry, but generally day to day I am okay.

As others have said, embrace however it comes.

OP I am so sorry for your loss.
As other replies show grief is individual and has no set pattern. Your grief and how it feels is unique to you. Whatever happens please don't ever feel that you aren't somehow grieving properly.

I'm sorry for your loss. Grief comes and goes there is such a range of emotions
and there is no right or wrong way to feel. I think feeling utterly exhausted it's a very normal part of it. Be kind to yourself.

The replies here are really reassuring because I lost my DM two weeks ago and apart from shedding a few tears on seeing her body and when choosing the funeral music, I haven’t cried.
In October when we thought she was going to die I kept getting chest pain but various tests found no obvious cause so I think that was due to stress, waiting for that call to come.
I have felt very tired but I often do anyway because of health issues. Mainly though I feel either numb, or guilty because I’m glad she’s no longer suffering (she was 92 and had dementia), and guilty because I’m not weeping and wailing.
After three days of compassionate leave I went back to work, although colleagues have had weeks off after the death of a parent.
I’ve booked the day after the funeral off work in case I crash then and also because I think I’ll be drained.
I don’t remember crying much when my DF died either but we weren’t very close, whereas I was with DM.
it’s very odd, this limbo between the death and the funeral. I think there are so many arrangements to be made, we maybe haven’t had time to grieve yet.

I think we see films or tv with loss depicted in certain ways and so maybe have an expectation of how we might behave or feel in that scenario. Whereas in the real world we are ourselves and have our own reactions- which are true and valid and genuine. Coping mechanisms are real and are ways our minds and bodies help protect us from the hardest times- be it denial or sublimation or whatever. It serves us well.
Think of a soap opera birth scene- waters breaking all over the floor, yelling and screaming and then pushing and baby. How many of us can say that was our birth story or experience? Very few. Similarly we won’t have the graveside sobbing necessarily or the heart wrenching moments shared with tearful friends… but our experiences of death and grief are still valid, real and very individual. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
Sending love to all who have experienced loss…

I cremated my dad yesterday, he died on my birthday, and I don't think I have cried yet. I feel as if something is wrong with me as I feel so numb and emotionless. Everyone keeps asking if I'm ok and I just reply yes. I don't feel anything. My mum died 2½ years ago and again I don't seem to feel anything. I loved my parents with all of my heart and feel like I'm really weird as I've not cried. I have bouts of sadness but nothing else. I was wondering if grief counselling would work.

i identify with so many people here. Lost my brother six months ago and I still have not cried. The only way I can describe it is that the feeling of devastation is so deep that crying doesn’t even begin to express how deeply I’m feeling his loss. I don’t know if that makes sense

I've lost both my parents and was extremely close to them - I'm an only child. I was never in floods of tears and dealt with both deaths very calmly.

We are all different OP, just grieve in your own way and don't compare yourself to others.

I have come to the conclusion that this is normal for some people. Including me. Do we need counselling if we are functioning? It’s obvious from your post that you loved your parents, just as I did. It might catch up at some point, it might not. I think just keep plodding onwards. See how you are.

It was my mum’s funeral this week. A month after she died. I had a couple of little wobbles but mostly got through it ok. In fact I enjoyed it in some ways, hearing everyone’s stories about mum and feeling the love for her. I keep wondering if that’s strange too.

Commiserations to all experiencing the whole gamut of emotions. My Dad passed away years ago. My Mum's funeral was yesterday. She had a peaceful death. I have cried buckets since her terminal cancer diagnosis in November. Now I just feel very numb and empty.