My mum is dying

[CryingatChristmas]

Not sure really sure why I'm posting, maybe just hoping for some advice or positive stories about how life goes on...
I'm sat at my lovely mum's bedside. She is dying of cancer, she has days left but the person she was had already gone. She is comfortable and sleeping, not sure she knows I am here. I feel robbed. She is 69 and until recently was so fit and healthy, glamorous and beautiful. I have young children who will never remember her. How does life go on? She's still here but I'm grieving - I'll never have another conversation with her, glass of wine, hug etc. I can't imagine ever going back to work or not crying all the time. Does it ever get easier? Please someone tell me if does or I don't know how I will cope. Thank you x

I watched my darling Daddy die of cancer. Life goes on but is never quite the same.
I’m sorry.

I am so sorry x

I'm so, so sorry. It's so incredibly hard. I'm glad your darling mum is comfortable. I am sure she is aware you are there and takes comfort from it. This time of the year I think makes it even harder. Have you got some support for yourself over Christmas? X

Hello OP. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I remember sitting with my lovely Dad 4 years ago, just like you are with your lovely Mum now. Do keep talking to her as the carers who supported me with my Dad said that hearing is the last sense to go. I talked about all sorts of things and also put some of his favourite music on the CD player.
The pain does ease over time. Some days are better than others, and sometimes a memory will be triggered by things you see or hear. They can bring a tear to your eye but I then think how that memory reaffirms the closeness that we had, so I see it as a positive thing. Sending loads of hugs and thinking of you. 💐

@AprilinPortugal thank you. She has just said my name so she does know. I have lots of support, great family and friends, and she's having a stream of visitors every day. I'm staying over tonight though and everyone has left for the day, so I'm just feeling extra weepy with a long night in the hospital room ahead.

I lost my Dad in 2017 and my Mum earlier this year. Time is a great healer and like your Mum, my Dad had metastatic cancer in his bones and kept saying he just wanted to die. Mum had Alzeimers and literally starved to death. Both had unpleasant deaths. Recently I watched my horse put to sleep by injection, he fell down slowly and went to sleep, it was quick and peaceful and it makes me resentful that in this day and age we can't do this for our human loved ones. I said to the vet I'd wished Mum and Dad could have had the choice of having the same. She said "you'd be surprised how many people say that"

I think when the time comes you will be very sad but you will also find great relief that your Mums pain is over.

I was on a different forum at the time and one of the posters accused me of 'playing the victim'when I was struggling to come to terms with the end of my Mum's life. I wonder what goes through people's heads sometime.Thinking of you as I know how incredibly painful this can be.

@CryingatChristmas I said the exact same thing about putting animals to sleep to my husband earlier. It is so cruel, watching someone just waste a way and lose all their dignity. I'm sorry for your losses x

@HangryBrickShark sorry, the last reply should have been you tagged, not myself!

I’m so sorry , sending you a hug and strength , x

My mum died at 69 too. She was killed in a car accident. You do get through it and you do get over it.
I’m so very sorry.

My thoughts go out to you OP. My mum also died aged 69 of cancer, it will be 2 years this Monday. I don't have anything to say really, it's heartbreaking, but you already know that, somehow you put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Take care of yourself x

Sorry you're going through this OP. I lost DH to cancer last year and he was 59. It's a cruel disease. I don't think we ever really get over the loss, we just learn to live with it, but it will seem easier to bear as time goes on. Do keep talking to your mum, even if she appears to be asleep, as hearing is one of the last senses to go.

So sorry

@CryingatChristmas , I’m so sorry this is a horrible experience for you.
Your mum can very likely still hear you so do please talk to her, tell her how much you love her and how grateful you are. When my mum was dying very close to Christmas we played Christmas music (mainly carols). She had been totally unresponsive for a couple of days and my elder son was sobbing and reminiscing about his happy memories of her when unexpectedly she reached our towards him, even in her dying moments she sought to comfort the grandson she loved so much.
That was ten years ago and I’m crying as I write this. I miss my parents dreadfully and while I have become accustomed to their absence a little thing will come along and the pain stings as it did all those years ago.
My dad came to live with me after my mum died and he died 3 years later in my home, his funeral was on Christmas Eve, my darling uncle who was like another father to me died too young on Christmas Eve. Christmas is bitter sweet, filled with joy from my family and the six grandchildren I now have but tinged with sadness.
I carry on and live my life because in so doing I honour what they would have wanted for me and that is their everlasting gift to me.
Sending you strength. Xx

I also lost my beautiful Mum at 69 with no warning whatsoever, she literally dropped down dead in her garden. It was incredibly hard, get through it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. The pain does soften over time. It took four years for this to happen, it will be all consuming for a while. I went back to work after a week. Not sure why, I was still very much in shock. So take the time if you are able. Sending you a hand hold and kind thoughts. Lean on people if you need to.

So very sorry for your sadness. I lost my mum and dad such Long time ago, ages 51 and 62.
it does get easier to bear but the deep sadness is still there. I know it sounds silly but I still talk to them and ask for help, I think it helps me to feel close to them.
Such a sad time of year to lose a loved one. Lots of love and prayers to you.

I'm sorry I lost my mum when she was 69 not from illness but very suddenly. I think you have to go on for the sake of your kids but as others have said things are never the same again. Thinking of you.

I am so, so sorry. My dad died from cancer about 15 years ago and then my mom died two days later. I think I’m still in a state of shock tbh. I know they’re in such a better place and that brings me comfort. I understand what you’re going through. Time and faith are a great healer.

I’m so sorry. My father died earlier this year and can very much relate to what you’re going through. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It is a great comfort to me that I was with him in his last few weeks and poured my heart out to him and told him over and over again how much I love him and how much he means to me. Life has not been the same since he died and neither have I. Somehow we go on living, as that’s what our parents would want for us.. it’s so hard and my heart goes out to you. It is a blessing that you can be with her at this time.

im glad you have people around you for support. Yes hospitals can feel very lonely at night. Make sure you reach out to the staff if you need anything. Sending you love and strength xx

I feel for you. I lost my mum two months ago tomorrow, also to cancer. She died at home, which is where she wanted to be and I was with her. The community nurses, hospice team and carers made this possible but it was harrowing and I completely understand what you say about how we treat beloved pets compared to beloved people. Mum was older than your mum, 85, but active and busy and driving until the middle of July. It was shocking quite how fast she became unwell and I think I was in a kind of denial. Probably still am. And also quite naive about end of life. The summer and early autumn passed in a strange, intense bubble. And I think the grieving process started then as mum slowly disappeared Infront of me. I only went back to work a few weeks ago. Before then I couldn't concentrate, couldn't read, had to write everything down. I'm functioning fine, but I'm not thinking too deeply, I daren't. It's a new normal and I'm waiting for time to do it's thing. Talk to your mum, she'll hear you. Sending strength xxx

Thank you everyone for your kind words. It's comforting to hear your stories and lovely words. I'm trying to console myself with the fact I know she would want me to get on with my life and focus on the kids. My youngest was very wanted and took a long time to conceive, very much a miracle baby. She was so excited when she found out as I was pregnant but sadly my little one will never remember her.. My sibling and I will inhering a significant amount of money so I'm very fortunate that I can ensure the children have money for university (if they choose that path) and I will have a have some financial freedom for once in my adult life. She loved holidays and travel and had so many plans. If I'm up to it next year I'd love to go on one of the trips she had planned, and hopefully she will be with me in spirit. I am very lucky that I had such a great mum x

@CryingatChristmas She will be!! Talk to her (so what if people think you’re mad:).

@CryingatChristmas , when I was young my mum used to talk to me about people who were in her life growing up and I did feel I knew them. I understand that you feel sad that your children won’t know your mum in the way you would have wanted but they can ‘know’ her in a meaningful way and I’m sure that if you can give them that experience they will be grateful and your dear mum would be glad. Xx

Could have written this post myself. Currently sat by my mothers beside, she’s 65 and has weeks at best. We are taking her home today so that’s bringing us some peace at least and more importantly her.

So to hear her just ask to go and be with her mum.

my daughter is only 21 months, she won’t remember her. Blessing in disguise as my siblings kids will and that makes it so much harder on them in their younger years.

Here if you want to chat. I genuinely do know what you are going through. Sending love and strength x