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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My sister died

40 replies

weusedtocampinthegarden · 03/12/2025 07:02

Hi everyone
I am not really sure why I am posting this. I just found out my sister has died unexpectedly. I can’t talk to anyone in real life at the moment so I guess I just want a bit of a hand hold.
if anyone has any ideas of how to support my parents that would be appreciated. I don’t think there is anything worse than losing your child.

OP posts:
enidblythe · 03/12/2025 07:05

I m so sorry to read this, would you like to tell us about her a little ? was she older or younger than you?
are you able to go see your parents today ?

Hillrunning · 03/12/2025 07:06

Morning. Im here to hold your hand. I lost a sibling unexpectedly and its quite something.

WorriedMillie · 03/12/2025 07:08

Sending so much love to you, what a horrible shock it’s lovely that you’re thinking of your parents and of course they’ll need support, but you need support too, so please reach out for it when you need to

NautilusLionfish · 03/12/2025 07:11

Am so sorry to hear you and your family are going through thus. In these first days supporting you parents will just be about being together. Hopefully a friend will be there to make tea and get food making sure everyone is at the very least, hydrated. And help them with logistics. Who needs to be called, funeral directors, remembering what she mat fave said about her funeral (music etc).
Again, condolences and hugs @weusedtocampinthegarden

PermanentTemporary · 03/12/2025 07:13

I’m so sorry to hear that - what a shock.

I think losing a sibling is a very big deal and I hope you have people who support you. I am sure just seeing you would be what your parents want.

cafenoirbiscuit · 03/12/2025 07:14

Oh love. There aren’t any rules here. Just do what you can to get through. Laugh, cry, look at photos, talk about her, and make sure you all get enough sleep. Grief is exhausting. Sending love 🥰

Financial · 03/12/2025 07:16

I am so sorry 💐

How thoughtful that your initial response is to consider your parents. We can often get caught up in supporting others, do think of yourself too. Do you have support?

Original poster
weusedtocampinthegarden · 03/12/2025 07:20

Thank you all.
yes I am going to see my parents today. I am going to take food (this was pre planned anyway as it’s also my birthday today). My dad will want to start on practical things, but I think they have to wait for an autopsy so I think they’ll just be feeling a bit adrift at the moment. I am going to get them out for a small walk too.
I don’t know whether to contact their Vicar and ask him to go and see them in the next few days. They aren’t particularly religious but I thought it might be comforting. I’m not sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
weusedtocampinthegarden · 03/12/2025 07:23

You’re right. I am already tired and I only found out last night. But my partner has been amazing and so will my friends be when I tell them so I do have support.
my sister was older than me by a couple of years. As with all sisters she could drive me up the absolute wall, but she was always the one who I would turn to if I needed someone.
I think I am still in shock to be honest

OP posts:
PebbleDashAtOne · 03/12/2025 07:25

So sorry for your loss. And happy birthday if that’s possible. I’m sure your parents will hugely appreciate your company and support. A little walk with them, and also a visit from the vicar, seem like a good idea. ❤️

Mumdiva99 · 03/12/2025 07:25

Sorry to read this. You support your parents by being available. Make sure there is someone to support you too. Sorry for your loss.

FatLarrysBanned · 03/12/2025 07:28

So sorry for your loss 💐

Hippywannabe · 03/12/2025 07:38

I am so sorry. I lost my younger sister 4 years ago in January and it is still as raw today as then. You just learn to sit alongside that grief. Whilst she had been ill, we didn't expect her to actually die.
You will grow through so many emotions, grief, anger, etc. The sense of loss for not being able to say what you would have said had you known.
In terms of practicalities, I did all of the after death things. Make a list of who needs to be infirmed, both socially and practically- banks, utilities, insurances, etc. There is a one time switch thing you can do that automatically contacts lots of people. I forget the name but you can google it.
Get several copies of the death certificate,you will need more than you think. Try and find paperwork.
Just be there for your parents, it's the wrong order of life and so hard for them to deal with that.
Pm me if you want to . Xx

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 03/12/2025 07:49

I lost my dsis nearly two decades ago. I am still slightly cross with her (sisters are supposed to be for life, right?). I don't miss her all the time. But sometimes I miss her immensely.

It's strange losing a sibling as an adult. You feel very much an afterthought on the bereavement scales. But siblings make up so much of our history. I know I'm rambling a bit here.

With your parents, just talk. Share all your memories - especially the things you never let them know (sorry about that broken door, mum and dad, it really wasn't the accident we claimed at the time).

Sorry for your loss, OP.

Original poster
weusedtocampinthegarden · 03/12/2025 08:10

Thank you all so much.sorry for those who have also lost siblings. In lots of ways it feels like a very complicated dynamic.
Thank you for letting me know about the one switch. I’ll look into that. My dad is going to do all the practical bits, but I’ve told him I’ll help where I can. I am going to let her friends know as much as possible.

OP posts:
24Dogcuddler · 03/12/2025 08:21

OP so sorry for your loss. Look after yourself and your parents.
The service is called Tell us Once
I’d check about the Vicar.

scarletthollie5 · 03/12/2025 08:31

So sorry for your loss. l lost my sister in May. The initial shock leaves you being in a blur .

We also lost a daughter 11 years ago, so can view it from both perspectives .

Moods will fluctuate greatly, sudden waves of grief will wash over all of you.

Talk about your sister there is often a fear that mentioning her name will cause more distress it is far better than the awkward silences.

Whilst supporting your parents , remember to take care of yourself.

Velveletteslonleylonelygirlami · 03/12/2025 08:36

I'm sorry for your family's loss ,it will be a busy time organising everything and somehow it doesn't feel real .I think it hits home once the service is past.
I had to tell my DW that her sister had died suddenly and it was one of the hardest things I've had to do as I knew how devasted she was going to be.
My DW sons age 3 and 27 had both died from medical issues and she always said to me ,at least I've got my sister.

eggandonion · 03/12/2025 08:51

@Velveletteslonleylonelygirlami my husband had to tell me that my brother had died and says it was the worst day of his life. I think being together is the best way to begin to process the emotional and practical side.
My sil had a visit from the vicar which seemed to help. I suppose because vicars have experience of talking to people at this point.
Look after yourselves

TelephoneWires · 03/12/2025 08:58

My sister died as an adult. It’s awful for you all. Be together, speak her name through the years, accept that you will feel it harder at different times to each other.

TelephoneWires · 03/12/2025 09:43

That’s very unselfish of you to recognise that this is harder for your parents which it is. But do look after your own grief as well. I was quite young and probably didn’t provide the best support at times but I did a lot of confronting my own mortality and feeling my sadnes - and have done this for many years now when it comes to the surface. I didn’t want to ‘get over it’ and I haven’t really although the sadness comes less often. I remember seeing somewhere that when someone dies young they leave a long shadow which is very true.

In terms of better understanding my Mum’s situation I think Gloria Huniford’s book about losing Caron is very honest and true to how things are for parents.

ViciousCurrentBun · 03/12/2025 10:13

I am unfortunately a parent that has had a child die, DD was a very young adult just left home. What I found was people don’t know what to say at all so avoided me. They may have to deal with others doing this. I agree with other posters about still mentioning her. It becomes a different sort of life as a parent who has a child die, it’s never quite the same and everyone is different with grief, I had a period of overwhelming anger and that was the hardest for anyone to deal with.

I am very sorry for your loss and your whole family, your parents will find out who their good friends are at this stage sometimes it’s the people you least expected.

verycloakanddaggers · 03/12/2025 11:15

I'm very sorry for your loss.

If you can't yet talk to people IRL but want to talk then Cruse can be very helpful.

You will be in shock, it's a big thing to absorb. Take care Flowers

LittleBrownBaby · 03/12/2025 11:21

I am so sorry. Please just give yourself time. It’s not even been 24 hours since you found out. If you manage nothing more today than going for a walking and just sitting with your parents - that is enough. You don’t have to rush into everything else. I lost my brother unexpectedly a few years ago and some days I feel like I can’t breathe and other days everything is ok. Be kind and gentle with yourself and take your time to manage one thing at a time.

blankcanvas3 · 03/12/2025 11:43

My brother died this year. It’s been devastating, I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. I was numb up until the funeral, then it suddenly became real once that was over. Things that have stuck out to me are:

People who you thought you were friends with suddenly disappear. People who you didn’t realise you were that good friends with show up in ways you don’t expect. Sometimes you can’t bear to talk about them, sometimes the only thing you want to do is talk about them. It’s absolutely exhausting, I’m the most tired I have ever been, even more tired than I was when I had a newborn.

Take care of yourself alongside your parents, you’ll be no good to them if you’re exhausted/burnt out.