My friend died I don’t know how - I’m so so sad

[losssohard]

My friend died, she was in her late 40s it’s been around 9 days. I don’t know how, I found out through a mutual friend. Nothing has been said by the family yet I believe. I am devastated. I posted a card through to her husband. I do not expect a reply, I don’t need one.

She was a friend who listened, we didn’t see each other often but we had a strong connection. I can’t describe it - she thought so much of me and I thought so much of her.

I feel so exhausted, I don’t have anyone to grieve with although my DH did know her, we had gone for dinner with her and her husband, we’d been to their wedding, we did talk to them but we never had time to do lots together. I miss her and I feel so bad I haven’t seen her more. Because I don’t know life got busy, I just can’t believe it, I feel so heavy.

I just wanted to say here cos I have no one else to talk to.

In times like these we need comfort food. Cottage pie requires little effort to eat. Homemade soup too. Homemade biscuits/small cakes.
If you want to call to see them do, so many people are not sure what to say after someone has died, but I expect he’ll get some comfort from the fact that he’s not the only one grieving the loss of your lovely friend.

No, I don’t think it’s wrong of you to wonder. I think it’s absolutely natural to feel like you want answers to what has happened when you get shocking news. You may never find out, but I don’t think you’re a bad person for wondering.

You could offer to take the DC out and about over the holidays- a film or an outing or two.

They will still need some ‘normal’ even while they are grieving.

I would make regular small offers, things that don’t need much thought or planning on his part. Would the DC like to come to the pool with mine tomorrow? Would the DC like to come over for a BBQ? We’re having pizza and a film tomorrow, if the DC want to come over.

Not sure I'd want anyone bringing me meals round. Be there in the long term for the children and support. He will be overwhelmed at the moment.

Thank you for the suggestions - they have a large wider family - all grandparents of children. So I do believe there is a lot of support on hand plus my friend’s siblings. Thank you I feel so guilty to wonder how, in some ways it doesn’t matter in other ways I want to know.

I will aim for after the funeral, our kids go to the same school so maybe after they start back.

I'd be offering to take the children out now, giving him an opportunity to make arrangements without them around and maybe to grieve without them being upset by it.

And taking some cakes around - in something that doesnt need to be returned - would mean he doesnt need to think so much about food for the children/ visitors.

Hello @losssohard I'm so so sorry to hear about your amazing friend (and you sound like one, too).

I also lost my friend recently and don't have anyone to share the grief with. She sounds like yours; so compassionate, amazing listener, we had a connection the minute we met a couple of years ago. I wish I'd spent more time with her.

She had just celebrated her 50th birthday, then a few days later had a migraine, and a few weeks later died of a brain tumour. So the last time I saw her was at her party - we were dancing away without a care in the world. I have a lovely photo of us. But then I just got text updates from her husband (a very quiet, private man) about her being in hospital, having scans, palliative care at home...then he text to say she was severely declining, then passed a couple of days later. I didn't get to see her or say goodbye and it breaks my heart. I too didn't want to intrude on their privacy at such a traumatic time, as sure her parents and children wanted to spend as much time with her as possible.

I can't process it all. It doesn't seem real. My dh is rubbish at supporting me when I grieve. For ten days now I've barely been sleeping and my body feels so heavy. I can't stop crying and thinking about her poor children. I have no idea what to write in the condolence cards I bought a week ago. Dropping food off doesn't feel right, either. I have said a few times to her lovely dh on text I'm just up the road if you need anything, please let me know what I can do to help etc but he just says thanks. There are no words.

So I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in your deep grief and feeling lost and useless. Are you going to your friend's funeral? I'm going to mine in just over a week, and really hope it will help me.

@Zanatdy so sorry for your loss, too. 57 is no age. My friend was also 9 weeks from headache to passing, it's too quick. Such a shock. I'm glad you were able to be there sometimes and support her, hard as that must have been.

How lucky we are to have had such incredible friends in our lives ❤️

@ForeverTipsyIm so very sorry, so so sorry. I don’t have words that fit, in my card I wrote a very short note saying how much I love my friend - I could not write about her in a past tense.

The more people I know finding out the more I have to accept it’s true although I’ve been sent the funeral details. I am so very sorry for your loss.

@Zanatdyso sorry for your loss too. It feels so heavy.

So sorry OP. It’s hard not to know what happened. You will probably find out at the funeral.
Since your friends husband has support round him now I’d leave him be for a while and offer him food or childcare later as the family tries to find a new way of managing.

I’ve started opening up to others, initially it didn’t feel respectful but I spoke to my mum and then I also spoke to friends of mine who knew her (as school mums) it’s just been kept so so quiet, everyone is shocked as expected. It has been good to have people to talk to. I have spoken to DH too.

I may see MIL tomorrow. She knows of the family so I will let her know. I know she’ll take it badly mainly cos as she’s got older she does but also she knows what a good friend my friend was to me.

I'm so sorry OP. I think you're doing the right things. My DM died when she was young, and we had loads of support/meals/babysitters immediately after she died, but once the funeral was over, people went back to their old routines (which was normal and to be expected.) It was a very lonely time. I think her DH will appreciate your support and company after the funeral.

Massive hugs to you. X

I wouldn't make food right now. They'll be inundated. The time to show up is after the funeral, when all the fuss has died down and he and his family have to get back to some semblance of normal life. Maybe offer to drop the kids to school or collect them and have them over to yours. Invite him and his children over for Sunday lunch occasionally and just say something like 'No problem if you are not feeling up to it. But you are welcome any time if you do.'

How are you coping OP? I've just written out condolence cards for my friend's husband and children. What do you say to an 11 year old who has just lost their precious mum? It was so hard.

I've actually decided to go back to counselling soon, after a three year break, as my friend passing has brought up so much past grief around losing my own mum, and other loved ones no longer with us.

@ForeverTipsyi sat at my desk crying today I was sobbing , it kind of comes over me every so often, we have a funeral date set but I don’t want to believe it still.

I’ve spoken to others that have found out now, yes same I’m returning to therapy in Sept. I’m so sorry wish I had answers for us both.

My therapy starts in September, too.

I'm glad you've got other friends to lean on who knew your friend. I don't know anyone else who knew mine, as we'd only been friends a couple of years through a sport and our circles hadn't yet mixed. It's so lonely grieving on your own (my friends have been lovely, but most had never even met her so just don't understand how special she was).

Funeral next week. Hoping it'll help in a way.

@ForeverTipsyhow hard, mainly acquaintances I just think she and I had such a unique connection. She had lots of childhood friends and two sisters , plus her mum and step mum - but she and I connected as friends and were in similar professions. We had a lot of respect for each other that way. So we could lean on each other. It’s just devastating. She just got me, that’s all I can say. I do not have another friend like her - I simply don’t. It’s a huge huge loss. We had this deep connection and it’s just so bloody hard. we didn’t see each other enough and that’s it now I’ll never ever see her again. Never.

I can say I loved her loved her so much.

The one mutual friend we share has gone a bit quiet on me - but we’ve never socialised together so it’s kind of like we are friends with the same person but separate.

So sorry for your loss, OP. Those poor kids, losing their lovely mum. I agree with the PP that suggested offering to do things like pick up / drop off her kids with school. Grieving families often get lots of messages asking generally “if there’s anything I can do”… but sometimes it helps to offer something more specific to them that they can take you up on. xx

How are you doing @losssohard ? I went to my friend's funeral today and can't stop crying. It hurts so much.

Hi @ForeverTipsyoh gosh, I am just exhausted. Problem being no time to grieve cos I’m not in a circle of anyone else who quite knew her like me.

I’m so very very sorry. I wish I had answers.

I don't know anyone else who knew my friend, either, apart from my dh. My friends knew of her, and a few met her once, but that's it. It's such a weird place to be, but luckily I have friends who are being amazingly supportive and checking in with me regularly, sending messages with hugs and love and arranging to meet up with me so I can talk about her. I am blessed with my friends.

I had a lovely friend who died at 41, it was out of the blue from a DVT. I felt very helpless and it affected me deeply. What I did do was visit her Father and stay in touch with him. We had been work colleagues and I had not met him before. He was already a Widower and she had been his only child that’s how I thought I could carry on being a decent friend.