When to send condolence letter TW - child's death

[Cattenberg]

I found out today that my friends have lost their teenage son/stepson, who lived with them part-time. I don't know why he died. I only know that it was sudden and unexpected, and that he wasn't with my friends at the time. It's a massive shock - it's incomprehensible really, and apparently my friends are in denial and pretending that it hasn't happened.

He was a nice lad and kind to my family. I have several fond memories of him. I would like to write some of these in a condolence letter. As his parent and step-parent are understandably in shock and denial, would it be better if I waited a few days (or longer) before sending it? Also, I remember him as a happy and outgoing boy, and don't think he would have taken his own life, but as I don't know why he died, I'm worried about writing the wrong thing. Should I avoid mentioning how cheerful he was?

I've written condolence letters before, but never for someone so young or when the cause of death wasn't known. I'd be grateful for any advice.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've never experienced the loss of a child but the condolence letters I treasured were ones that mentioned a specific anecdote - is this something you could do rather than a generic mention of his qualities.
I don't think there is a right or wrong time to send. When I received cards if I wasn't up to opening them, I put them to one side until I could face them so send whenever you can and hopefully it will give you a sense of peace.

How very sad.

I think it might be best to wait a few days. If the news is, understandably, still sinking in, receiving cards too soon is likely to be overwhelming.

Wait a while. You might find out a little more about the circumstances so you don't write anything inappropriate by mistake.

The loss of a child is so heartbreaking.

Such sad news.
My youngest son died unexpectedly 17 months ago and it gave me comfort hearing about him from his friends. They all had their own stories to tell about him and some were quite funny. It was lovely to hear how much my son was thought of and even now I still have conversations about him with his friends because he existed and made an impression on them.
I'm sure your friends will welcome a lovely letter about how much you thought about their son.
For me personally, it was and still is more upsetting when people ignore me and change the subject if I mention my son's name. The pain is like no other and my thoughts go out to you all ❤️

I would say after 3 or 4 days I would send a card. My colleague recently lost her grandchild and I sent a small posie of flowers. Nothing huge, but just something to let her know I was thinking of her. And I sent her a text every week or so just to say I was thinking of her but made it clear I had no expectation on her to reply unless she wanted to talk x

Send it when you’re ready OP, the recipient can open it when they are ready.
A note detailing any special memories you have of him might be nice to receive; gentle thoughts.

Sorry to those that have also suffered loss.

In a very similar situation, we were just so grateful for the love and care from others. Whatever form it took, whatever others wanted to share with us. I've never appreciated others so much, it has really got us through.

I am very negative about those that haven't supported us (thanks mum!😞) and will always make time and effort to share my care for others.

We had food made for us and left on the doorstep, cards and flowers sent, visitors and messages. A rose that we have been sent is planted, will flower every year. We have boquests with such a lot of white roses that I've also bought a climbing white rose for the garden.

I have been through this. When dd died I was in denial too and found the cards and flowers too much. I specifically asked people not to send flowers. But after some time, I did take comfort from the memories that were shared in cards/ messages. Please don’t write ‘I can’t imagine what you’re going through’ - but acknowledge this terrible and sudden loss, memories of their son and that you are here for them now and every day going forward.

And I second sending food. Someone left homemade soup and bread on our doorstep which really touched me.

Having lost someone I appreciated these letters. Those who skulked about ‘not knowing what to say’ sting even now 2 years later.

When my mother died, we found sympathy cards and letters for my older sister who died age three, she would have been 15 years my senior, which means my mum had kept them for over 50 yrs. What really resonated was the language, the language was blunt, they wrote about Betty's death, but not her passing. Through the letters I learnt about her character, as friends and family all mentioned little memories of her.

There is no optimum time to send your letter/card, but know that it will be appreciated by the receiver... I think it is the kindest thing to do... you might think about offering to chat about the lad, if they feel able to, that will mean an awful lot because people will really shy away from talking about him. So you might want to say, something along the lines of, "X was a lovely lad, and I am sure would have grown into a brilliant man. When you feel able, I would love to share some of my memories of him, which I was not able to fit into this note... he has left a real impression on our household,"

Thanks for all the responses. I'm sorry to read that some of you have also experienced enormous losses.

Today, I had been feeling as though anything I could write would be pointless as words are so insignificant in the face of such pain. But you've encouraged me to get it done anyway.

Please don’t write ‘I can’t imagine what you’re going through’

I actually wasn't planning to, but I know it's a common phrase for people to write and I'm wondering why it's unhelpful. I'd like to understand, because I fear that I could easily write something wrong without even realising.

If you have them, perhaps photos as well as a personal note. My very good friend lost her older brother, but please note, we are all mature adults. I had met him a few times but not a lot. I found a couple of lovely snaps from a family wedding and he looked happy and engaged. I sent these to my friend, but her mum was so delighted to see them, they were actually included in the family board of memories. I think they were pleased to remember there had been good times.

I would wait a few days for the immediate shock to even. Beyond that, there is no too soon or too late when it comes to condolence messages. It’s just so nice to know other people are thinking of you.

”Should I avoid mentioning how cheerful he was?”
If it worries you, then rather than talk about how he was, maybe you can talk about how he made you feel? So instead of “he was so cheerful” it could be “I always felt so happy to see him”.

I think that any note should say very nice things about the person rather than ‘I’ perspectives (eg I can’t imagine; I’m sure you must be; I’m devastated to hear). Instead something along the lines of ‘please accept my deepest condolences on John’s passing. John will always be remembered by our family as a kind, lovely boy. His good nature and gentle spirit will not be forgotten. It was our privilege to know him, and you and your family will remain in our thoughts.’

Please don’t wait that is the worst. The only wrong communication is no communication.

Just because he was happy and outgoing, don't assume he didn't take his life.

I would wait a few days and then send a card with a brief message, perhaps mentioning how kind you found him to be.

Don't worry about the wording too much. Lots of people on MN do seem to feel a bit angry about very conventional words of grief - "sorry for your loss', etc. I don't AT ALL. I'm aware that people find it very hard to discover the right words, and I completely understand that traditional, cliched, or rather formalised expressions are a way past that difficulty. That's what they are for!

To me it feels worse to try to come up with profound and crafted attempts at something more authentic -- as if you could actually say 'the magic thing' that would penetrate to the heart of someone else's traumatic grief!

If you wanted to send a longer, more personal, message, I would probably wait a couple of weeks or more. Not because it would be wrong or offensive to jump in quickly, but because the family might be starting to feel a little more able to take things in as the weeks and months pass. They might also start to feel a little more conscious of the awfulness and permanence of the situation, perhaps more in need of words than during the initial numb blank confusion.

You might even reserve your longer words for when you meet in person. Don't be afraid to bring up the subject in person. I found that almost everyone I bumped into did feel able to introduce the subject, and I always find it a positive thing. Often I want to bring it up, but fear it is a bit much to dump into a casual conversation

Don't be afraid that you are dragging them back to something they don't want to think about. It will be in their mind anyway, and having lots of small conversations withe neighbours and acquaintances can be a way to disrupt the numbfog of confused and distracted grief.

I agree with this. Don’t write something like ‘you must be devastated’ as when I had my last pregnancy loss I can remember that being written in a card and the rage I felt on seeing it was extreme.

I specifically asked for no cards/ letters/ flowers when ds died last year. And no religious platitudes. Everyone grieves differently. Luckily everyone listened to me.

At this point I would just call them, have a two way conversation.

After the deaths of my children I got a lot of cards, but people didn't want to talk to me and I felt very isolated despite having dozens of cards.

I would wait until after his funeral to write a letter. It's more important to be there in person for them imo.

I haven't managed to speak to my friends recently, as they have "gone to ground" and seem to be avoiding all but a select few. I did send them a condolence letter, though.

The funeral is on Thursday and will be "a celebration of X's life". The published funeral announcement doesn't give any guidance about the dress code for this. I'm used to seeing pointers such as, "please wear what you would normally wear when spending time with X", or "please wear something in purple, X's favourite colour".

What would you wear? I'm guessing that an all-black outfit isn't required. And perhaps I don't need to wear a suit, either?

Same. My son was 31 when he died suddenly 6 weeks ago now. My girls never talk about him on our group chat, whereas I want to talk about him all the time. I was laughing in bed today about a joke he'd made to me and I'm 'not allowed' to share it, having shared a few days ago about how a song on the radio reminded me of him and I was told to not discuss it and just have a quiet moment to myself to reflect and think about him. But I don't want to do that, I WANT to talk about him.

I also kind of deny that he's passed; I just pretend we're not in touch. His friends also told me stories about him. To the OP, I would say to write something. Even in the few days after my son passed, I appreciated people contacting me.

I really appreciated people sharing stories of happy moments / occasions with ds when he died.

One thought could be to send a card to let them know you’re thinking of them and include an extra note in an envelope with your lovely memories of their son. In the immediate shock of everything, most condolence cards will be a blur but an enclosed letter might be something they will read and treasure at a later point.

The key thing is to acknowledge this in some way. Some people don’t know what to say so they find it safer to say nothing - but that’s a mistake.