My 18 year old son died in a car accident 7 weeks ago and I’m struggling with life!

[stressedmumof5]

I lost my son in a car accident a few weeks ago, the accident has been made so public as he wasn’t the only casualty. I’m struggling with coming to terms with the loss but at the same time I’m struggling with circumstances surrounding the accident and incidents that occurred before the accident which if had been dealt with properly could have avoided this happening. I can’t speak out about my anger as it will cause problems for my family. How do I start to process the loss of my boy and cope with the added stresses! The accident is going to an inquest but I fear that the whole truth won’t be made public by the coroner, which is what I want. I’m not a vengeful person but I feel that I need the truth to be made public for me to get some sort of justice for my son and for myself to be able to come to terms with the loss.

I’m so sorry OP that sound horrendous. Your son dying and then the tragic circumstances, I’m so sorry. Do you have support around you? Could you access grief counselling? I hope the inquest gets the result you want.

Please contact this charity, they will help you Brake | The Road Safety Charity

I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss

The inquest will be open to press and public, all inquests are. The Coroner needs to find out the circumstances leading to your son's tragic death so if whatever happened earlier is relevant it will be recorded and made public there. If the crash is already in the public eye then there will be press there who will report on what the inquest findings are.

I am so so sorry to read this heartbreaking post.The coroner's report will not be hushed up. At the moment you must be in a fog of unimaginable sorrow. I am so so sad this has happened to your family xx

Hi OP firstly I'm so sorry for the loss of your son 💙 I also lost my daughter she was 17 so know all too well those early weeks after and I just want to say please take it one day at a time while trying to piece it all together because your mind will be full of anything everything and nothing right now , please be gentle with yourself and try to look after yourself it's going to take some mighty strength that you don't think you have to get through the next months and the inquest itself , I just wanted to pop on and let you know that going into my daughters inquest I didn't feel the truth was being told either and didn't think without me everything would come to light so here is what I did to prepare for her inquest it will take a lot of strength and concentration so be prepared because it's hard I know and I wish no one has to go through this painful journey .
So we had a pre hearing and I was given a 96 page report , this report included witness statements paramedics reports , police reports even my own report and many others , from what I knew from the lead up to what happened the true account I was able to go through this report with a fine tooth comb and find the inaccuracies , stuff that didn't make sense raised questions.
Once I had done that I compiled an email to the coroner who was leading the inquest and included screen shots of the inaccuracies the stuff that didn't make sense I also pushed against the original thinking and I also posed my own questions I wanted answered by the coroner and also posed questions for the witness that were attending and standing up in coroner's court , I also let him know I wanted the truth the facts and nothing more since it's a coroners court , I also asked him to ask those questions on my behalf as I felt I was unable to find my voice and be strong and remember everything I needed to know .
He did that for me the questions were asked and the stuff I needed answers for were also asked , I'm trying not to out myself too much because I'm still very vulnerable as any parent would be after losing their child . I hope this helps a little bit , I'm not sure if it will but this is my experience dealing with a coroner , inquest trying to get answers when absolutely nothing makes sense in the world anymore.
Again I'm so sorry for you"re loss from one grieving mama to another my heart feels yours and I hope you get justice 💙

I don't have much practical advice but just wanted to say that I'm so sorry that you are going through this, every parent's worst nightmare.

From others who have lost family members in similar circumstances, I think overwhelming anger and/or guilt are a common and entirely natural part of the early stages of grief. A specialised counsellor could help you process this huge shock and you could work through every emotion that you feel you can't currently address with family.

It sounds as if the inquest and a possible fight to establish facts could could trigger some family conflict? That is so much to process all at once. If the inquest won't be held for some time, is it possible to try and focus on just yourself and your emotions with a grief counsellor first, before trying to have such difficult conversations with others in the family?

Thinking of you,

Thank you all.
the conflict isn’t within my family, it is with other families involved.
My family are quiet quite, keep ourselves to ourselves, we go to work to give our kids the best we can and when we come home we close our door and don’t really mingle in the community. The other families involved are very much known in the community, and live life where everyone knows them etc.
My son was also widely known in the community because of his friendship groups, (I have heard nothing but amazing stories of how my son touched so many people in a good way, which is so lovely to hear)
i am angry, sad, depressed, etc…and I do need someone to blame to make sense of this. If it was just a tragic car accident that was no one’s fault etc, I wouldn’t be so angry! But it wasn’t!, There are mitigating factors that would have avoided this happening if it had been dealt with properly. The police have told us it’s not a criminal inquest as the person to blame also died in the crash. I get that to a degree..but my point is, it still needs to be publicised all factors of what and how it happened regardless if they can’t arrest anyone, or highlighting police failures, We as a family still need justice and need to hear that someone is accountable for my son’s death!! I can’t bear to go out into my local area, the local people don’t know the whole story and I feel they need to.
I will be seeking counselling as I have other children, I have had days that I don’t want to be here anymore, the pain of losing my boy is too much to bear! But I’m still here for my other kids!! That’s the only reason. Life seems pointless right now. So I’m going to get some hep..I’m aware I need it.

I’m so deeply sorry for your tragic loss and the set of unimaginable circumstances and turmoil that you and your family are coping with. Praying for justice for your family and sending strength and comfort to you tonight xxx

I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope all details are released if it will help you 💐

I am so sorry. My son died very suddenly 21 weeks ago. He was 19. I am struggling too. Compassionate Friends Charity have been amazing help.
I have a burning rage all the time and feel like my life also ended. Whilst I cannot imagine exactly how you feel as our son’s circumstances were differentt. I am on a similar path. You are not alone.

The book: it’s Ok that you’re not ok by Megan Devine has helped me a lot. Worth getting.

We have liaison officers assigned to us as a family!! What a joke!! I’ve not heard from them in 4 weeks! They were supposed to get us in contact with support groups as I told them I’m NOT ok..that I’m struggling, they are also supposed to be locating my sons chain I got for his 18th Birthday that he never took off! To some people that seems minor, but I need that chain back! It meant so much to him, it’s the one gift I ever gave him that he really appreciated, I need it back. I told our liaison officers this and was promised they would try to locate it. But I’ve heard nothing! I know they probably have other cases and familles to support, but I feel let down. My son is important too..we are important too!!
AntaresAltered…I’m sorry for your loss!! Something we have heard a million times!
no one who hasn’t lost a child can possibly understand these feelings.. right now im living a life that I feel I’m watching from the outside, how can I accept that it’s my life! 8 weeks ago my son was here…living and breathing..and now he’s not!! It’s too painful to accept it, because then it’s real!! That life I’m watching…is my life!!

Im so deeply sorry for your loss.

I’m not in the same circumstances, but my mum was severely brain injured by a dangerous driver 7 weeks ago. Useful resources for support and guidance that I’ve been signposted to include The Road Victim’s Trust, Victim Support and Day One Trauma. Because Mum is in a major trauma hospital we’ve benefited from access to a Major Trauma Service who have signposted to various places. They signposted to citizens advice and they’ve been really good at helping us with the legal side etc. You should also have a FLO who you can contact whenever you need. I hope you can find someone IRL amongst that to help support you. Of course you aren’t ok. Your darling boy. My heart goes out to you.

I am honestly and genuinely deeply sorry for your unimaginable loss and in the most of tragic of circumstances.

I too have lost a son and its a pain like no other. Its earth shattering and soul destroying and you understand the true meaning of heartbreak.

You are experiencing every parents worst nightmare right now.

I totally understand you wanting to make sure someone is publicly blamed for this and that everyone knows and understands what really happened and why. Our parent mode switches on and we want answers and we want justice. And in some ways its the only way that we can even start to process what has happened to us, and to them.

As for 'this is my life now', unfortunately yes it is. But in time, you will slowly come to accept this. You won't like it but you will get there and you will do that because you know its what they would want for you. And because you have others that love and need you. You will come out the other end of this but it will be painful. I won't lie.

I remember after my son died thinking that I would never ever be able to smile or laugh again or feel any kind of happiness in any way. That I was doomed to a life of misery and sadness. I couldn't see out of the black hole, there was no light. But slowly, and with time, the light started to appear again.

Your son will never ever be forgotten, he lives within you, but you will emerge from this. You will be changed forever. You will never again be the person you were when he was here. But you can survive it.

Please do access help and counselling to help you deal with your loss. I talked and cried and wailed to my counsellor in a way I never could to family. She helped me pick up the pieces of my shattered life. Along with a good support group full of other mothers who were in the same boat as me, who understood my immense pain, this saved me from myself.

Sending you love x

So sorry OP for this devastating experience and the lack of support from your liaison officers.
Have you told the police everything you know about what happened? If you are keeping quiet that will feel terrible.

I am so sorry for your loss. Please do email the coroner with what the circumstances are. They will want to know the full truth.

I am so sorry OP, I can’t imagine your pain. I hope you get the chain back quickly, I totally understand the need for this.

How terrible, Op.

I hope the answers will be published so to educate others.

I'm so sorry for your loss 💐

This charity may help you.
https://2wish.org.uk/

I don't have anything useful to add but from Mum to another I am so very very sorry OP

I’m so sorry OP. My father died in a car crash late last year. He was the driver and his passenger was also killed when they hit a lorry
I would also advise contact Brake
my experience of the police is they wanted to do as little as possible, close case down without action. There is the victims right to review we have used to challenge this and also involving our MP has been helpful in challenging the Police
much love and my condolences for the loss of your beautiful boy

There should be an extensive forensic collision investigation collated by Police say you want to see that report - blaming the driver
who died 100% is lazy policing, there are nearly always other fsctors at play

I am so sorry. I lost a loved one in a road accident and it was quite public and it's an unbearable loss and trauma.

Please get in touch with Brake. I can't share links from my phone so have attached a photo . They support people who have lost family in road accidents.