Am I ok or am I going to fall apart?

[hafraid]

I have NC for this.

I lost my beloved dad two weeks ago. He had only been ill for a few months and he declined very rapidly. Some days I feel like it was so quick, I haven’t taken it in yet. But we knew as soon as he was diagnosed that it was terminal, so in another respect I feel like I have been grieving his loss before it actually happened. There were days when he was dying when I couldn’t stop crying and couldn’t function. But now I somehow am functioning and it’s causing me to doubt myself and my feelings.

I was with him at the end and stayed overnight in the hospice with him. I had been to all of his appointments with him and advocated for him in hospital. I feel like I did everything I could and it wasn’t enough. the first few days after he died I was very very teary but now I’m ok, I cry if I get a message from people or a card, their kindness somehow makes me weepy.

Other times people say things like “he’s at peace now” or “he’s not suffering any more” and it makes me angry. Because I think why did he have to suffer anyway? I had barely got used to the idea that he was even ill, and now he’s gone.

I have dcs and i cant believe he’s not going to see them grow up. But at the same time I’m functioning because I have to because of them. They make me laugh and smile and then I feel like that’s not what I thought grief would be like and I’m doing it wrong.

its busy at the minute. People keep telling me it will get worse after the funeral. So worry that I’m going to fall apart then.

sorry of this is a little rambling. I just can’t figure out where my head is at.

I’m so sorry, OP. That’s more or less how it went with my mum 2 years ago, and the anger & the fried brain are all part of the grief. I remember longing for someone to be rude to me so I could punch them. The laughing & smiling at times is totally normal too.

You’ll get through it but it’s very early days yet.

Do you have someone you can fall apart on if necessary?

I am sorry for the loss of your lovely dad @hafraid
I have been pondering a post which would pretty much mirror yours. I lost my wonderful mum almost 2 weeks ago and I feel just as you do.

I just had a huge sobbing fit after days of feeling numb. None of it makes any sense. I don't know how people get through it.
Sorry I have no answers but I am sending you love and understanding.

I’m so sorry about your mum, @MrsMcNallysMaureen. I hope my post above works for you too.

@MrsMcNallysMaureenim so sorry for the loss of your mum.

it’s extraordinary isn’t it, how all of these feelings can exist at the same time.

Thank you.

Yes I have my DH who is wonderful.

I’m off work and I had one day the other day when I didn’t do any funeral “jobs” and just had a day at home pottering and yet I just felt so exhausted.

I'm sorry for your loss OP and to @MrsMcNallysMaureen.

I lost my mum 18 months ago after a shock cancer diagnosis she passed in 5 months.

I definitely went into practical, keep busy mode and after the funeral I was wiped out. I think because I stopped and there was nothing left to busy myself with.

I felt guilty because I didn't spend days in tears and at the funeral I just felt numb, but I've learnt that grief comes in waves - the first mothers day I nearly broke down in Tescos when the mothers day aisle caught me unaware.

There's no wrong or right way to feel, just be kind to yourself.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Grief is an extremely confusing time. Please don’t worry about whether you’re doing it ‘right’. Everything you’re feeling is very typical for someone who is grieving.

I know that lots of people are aware of the model of the stages of grief, but of course the stages will not necessarily neatly follow each other in the order they’re described- rather the stages will overlap and repeat- I have attached an image which shows what I mean and resonates with me.

Grief is hard work and exhausting. Be kind to yourself and know that everything you’re feeling is absolutely normal. 💐

Oh @hafraid. It's OK, you're OK. It's OK to not break down, it's OK to get teary, it's OK to break down, it's OK to smile. It's grief. It's different for everyone and, I think, different depending on who it is you lost. Thinking of you.

I’m so sorry for your loss @hafraid,similar to you my dear brother was ill for a short time and declined rapidly. He died just before Christmas last year. There is no right way to do grief. You just have to let it happen. My family WhatsApp group were swapping silly jokes in the days after, not disrespecting him at all as he was a funny guy and it helped us, each to their own. I am still having days where I can’t believe he’s gone and it winds me, other times I just wish he was here to tell him things. So I do (I have a picture of him in my hallway). Cry, laugh, dance to his favourite songs, celebrate and mourn - you can’t do it wrong. The lovely people on here helped me in the early days and I’m sure they will help you too. 💐

Thank you @EmpressaurusKitty and @Ilikewinter I am sorry for your losses too.
It doesn't seem real. I am dreading after the funeral and all the 'firsts.'
@hafraid interesting about the exhaustion. I wake up exhausted. It is good that you have your DH. It must be awful to do this alone.

I’m 6 months in. We got the diagnosis 2 weeks before he died. Some days I feel like I could die with sadness. Most days I am so angry. It’s utter shit but be kind to yourself, surround yourself with love and do things little and often.

At least each of the ‘firsts’ only happens once.

You can’t put any kind of time limit on this though - there is no ‘I’ll be over it by this time.’

I realised the other day it’s Father’s Day coming up and my heart sank

Oh @hafraid I feel for you. Do you feel up to making a plan to get through day?

Yes I suppose that would be a good idea.

I’ve been reading lots of posts on here about grief. It helps but then I read something and it makes me question myself. Someone said they didn’t laugh or smile for months and couldn’t imagine ever doing so again. But my ds made me belly laugh this morning. Then I felt this sinking feeling like what am I doing?

also people keep asking me if my dcs are ok, and looking askance when I say, yes they are. They were upset when we told them dad had gone and they have had a few tears but that’s it. One day one of them had a tummy ache which didn’t seem to have an obvious physical cause. They have been a bit quieter than usual at times. But we are talking a lot about grandad, the funeral, they love seeing all the photos that are emerging. I don’t know what else to do.

There’s no right or wrong way to do this. All there is is how you do it.

It’s 2 years on Tuesday since my mum died. I always take that day and her birthday off work, usually plan to either go for a long walk on my own somewhere pretty or spend the day on the sofa with my cat, depending on how I feel when I wake up. All I expect of myself on those days is the basics.

Anyone who asks about you / your kids & doesn’t seem to approve of the answer is really not being helpful. What does help is to have someone you can talk to who isn’t personally affected by the death, but is just there to listen to you, who will understand that you don’t want them to fix anything or to try to make it better. The ‘At least…’ comments are no help at all until you’re ready to think of them yourself.

Exact same happened with me with my dm. Diagnosed 3 months before she died and I was shocked how well I coped. The anticipatory grief definitely helped and spending so much time with her in those months (my work told me to take sick leave to care for her).

I'm 18 months down the line and though I've rarely broken down crying, her loss does feel like it grows the more time is going on. I think about her every day and just cannot believe I won't see her again and it often pops into my head out the blue. It's like a physical ache that my brain then recognises.

I think everyone deals with grief differently and we don't know how the loss of someone will affect us. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved Dad.

Thank you

I’m so sorry about your DM.

i seem to be coping a little better than my sibling and I wonder if this is because of the pre-grieving I did whereas I think they were in denial at the reality of what was happening until a very very late stage. So I am trying to support them too but our responses are very different.

@hafraid I'm so so sorry for your loss. When my mum died it felt like I was living in two parts. The grief was always there but on a functional level meals still needed to be cooked and the washing basket still needed emptying. So I think you will be dealing with so many things on so many levels. Sending 🫂 🙏❤️. It will get better.... eventually x

@hafraid I agree with everything you have written. I am staying with my dad at the moment and family have been in and out. We have laughed a lot. My uncle has some wicked stories about his big sister. My children make me laugh all the time. I do believe humour is a good tonic but then sometimes I question whether it is OK to feel joy? I know what mum would say.

Yes, I know my dad would feel the same.

@hafraid I lost my lovely mum 4 years ago and dad three before that. I can't really say that I have ever broken down and cried in the immediate afterwards. I've looked back and laughed at good times, I've got a bit tearful when I've been asked if I'm OK, I've felt sad that I can't pass on good news, I get a bit emotional if I hear a song on the radio that reminds me of one or both of them. I can probably think of other things, if I put my mind to it.

In contrast, I remember getting really tearful one day before mum died on the way home from the care home. It was the day I realised that dementia had taken the mum I really knew and loved and, to me, was probably the real day she went; her physical body gave up six months later.

I guess what I'm saying is that you need to do you and never mind what other people think or say. There is no right or wrong, just what works for you to work through the feelings. 💕

So sorry for your loss.

The grieving process is a strange one, and everyone is different in how they react. Be kind to yourself, and if you feel like raging, or screaming, or sitting sobbing in a corner, that's what you need to do and it is totally normal. If you feel numb or don't feel anything at all, that's totally normal too. It comes in waves, I found, and some days you just need to go with the flow.