Am I ok or am I going to fall apart?

[hafraid]

I have NC for this.

I lost my beloved dad two weeks ago. He had only been ill for a few months and he declined very rapidly. Some days I feel like it was so quick, I haven’t taken it in yet. But we knew as soon as he was diagnosed that it was terminal, so in another respect I feel like I have been grieving his loss before it actually happened. There were days when he was dying when I couldn’t stop crying and couldn’t function. But now I somehow am functioning and it’s causing me to doubt myself and my feelings.

I was with him at the end and stayed overnight in the hospice with him. I had been to all of his appointments with him and advocated for him in hospital. I feel like I did everything I could and it wasn’t enough. the first few days after he died I was very very teary but now I’m ok, I cry if I get a message from people or a card, their kindness somehow makes me weepy.

Other times people say things like “he’s at peace now” or “he’s not suffering any more” and it makes me angry. Because I think why did he have to suffer anyway? I had barely got used to the idea that he was even ill, and now he’s gone.

I have dcs and i cant believe he’s not going to see them grow up. But at the same time I’m functioning because I have to because of them. They make me laugh and smile and then I feel like that’s not what I thought grief would be like and I’m doing it wrong.

its busy at the minute. People keep telling me it will get worse after the funeral. So worry that I’m going to fall apart then.

sorry of this is a little rambling. I just can’t figure out where my head is at.

I never fell apart after my dad died. I took a week off and then everything went back to normal and life had to go on. I lost a close friend in March, and that seemed to hit me harder, which made me feel terrible. But I think it was because she was a big part of my daily life (dad lived 250 miles away) and I sat at her bedside for 9wks. 9wks between diagnosis and death. And the fact my dad lived until 72, my friend didn’t make it to 58. But even now, i’fe grieved, shed a lot of tears, but life goes on. It’s what they would have wanted. I don’t want my dc to fall apart when I eventually die.

Thank you for for sharing your experiences on this thread.

My other concern is my lovely DM who is obviously devastated. We are all rallying round and she has not actually been home along since DF passed away. I think when that eventually happens it will be tough. At the minute it feels like our existence is not really reality.

Everyone deals with it differently.
Lost my dm four years ago after a fairly long on and off illness, so it was expected. I didn’t fall apart and everyone told me “it’ll hit you at some point” but it never has. Like you, I had tears at various points during her illness, and I have tears occasionally now, but my life has gone on.
There’s no point worrying about falling apart at some undefined point in the future. You’ve just got to carry on, take each day as it comes and get on with your life.

Thank you @smallstitch

its good advice not to worry about something that may or may not happen. I’m terrible for imagining bad things happening and worrying about them and it’s really something I need to work on x

It only gets worse for a time, then there is change and focus onto better things.