This is life (after passing of DH)

[Hisredipad]

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

Me and DH basically lived blissfully in each others pockets, all day, every day

This was how my DW and I were; we both really enjoyed lockdown, pottering in the garden, walking every day, having zoom cocktails with friends and family, laughing at Mrs Maisel on tv.

I think the exhortation to be kind to yourself is the best advice. We all react to grief differently. If you can get over it quickly I have nothing but admiration and a touch of jealousy; but lots of us can't and there isn't a way to shortcut the process. It takes as long as it takes, so don't give yourself a hard time about it

You've brought memories of my darling shouting through to me: "Your programme's on the telly!"

It would be a re-run of Star Trek, Stargate or the like... DH would claim that he couldn't stand them, but he'd watch them with me.

More than 4 yrs later, I'll see something on Netflix and think "Oh, he'd really have enjoyed this."

DH Lovd a particular soap that I couldn’t stand. I also don’t like The One Show. So at the beginning of The One Show I would disappear upstairs and do some of my hobby and tell him to give me a shout at 8 pm when said soap was over and then I would come downstairs, and we would then watch some more of the stuff that I didn’t dislike quite so much like Vera or Midsomer Murders or something similar. We both really liked the traitors and I’m currently watching the New Zealand one and thinking about things we would both criticise about it or say that we like.

then every now and again I would be assertive and say I would be watching such and such a program at such and such a time regardless of whether you liked it or not but generally he did keep me company.

still hunting the loft for my teasmade. I’m absolutely sure now it must’ve gone to the tip years ago. One of the major things about living on your own is having to make your own blinking cups of tea.

I can’t get over the price of them and then DD said something today and I’ve been down a rabbit hole of all things that make tea (shocking prices BUT I may just treat myself). I’m currently on the lookout for a Wi-Fi one, so I can shout ‘Alexa make the tea’. Ha ha.

We actually bought a Swan teasmade from Amazon not that long ago...Okay...Obviously must have been more than 5 yrs ago, but you know what I mean.

I can't recall whether they had the wi-fi variety.

No, they don’t but if you randomly google Wi-Fi kettles and teapots there is some extraordinary stuff available to buy.

Update on trying to do straightforward tasks on my own: Lufthansa sent me an email confirming that they owe me for my cancelled taxi transfer but have stated that I'm not entitled to claim for my 24 hr delay because "Scotland is not in the EU".

I get that, pal, but we're still in the UK and - according to Martin Lewis - the same regulations apply to the UK when an EU carrier is involved, albeit with a different regulation name. (The article by ML was written two days before my return flight.)

Replied last night, citing the relevant regulation. (Thank you, Martin Lewis.)

No answer as yet. The previous response was sent in the wee small hours, so I have a feeling that Lufthansa has outsourced its customer care to a non-European country where the geography of the UK is not well understood.

On the other hand, the email sufficed as an admission that Lufthansa was to blame for the delay, so I forwarded that to Saga Insurance together with pictures of three sets of boarding cards: outward; return; return replacements (Good job I kept them. I nearly threw the first set out.)

I got an email from Saga this afternoon, asking me to phone them. They've given me £70, so that covers over half of my cancelled transfer from Glasgow.

I was actually only looking for my cancellation money from Lufthansa, but they've put my back up by claiming that the regulations don't apply to Scotland.

Whoa! You go girl! You are super feisty and full of energy. I'd be so proud of myself if I were you

@WearyAuldWumman well done, good to know you’ve got what’s owing.

I’ve just returned from a meeting which I hope will have some good news once the data has been processed so I’m a bit on edge and wondering whether I’ve done enough to ‘pass’ the company on this particular bit. Im ever-so hopeful as this in theory is the easy win.

so I’ve bunged a meat pie in the oven, thrown some veg in a pan and mixed some gravy and am now sitting down with a glass of wine which I’d normally never do, drink alone, and am hopeful. I saw another robin in the same place this afternoon so feel ok. Hoping I might hear before I go to bed as I didn’t sleep well last night, think I may have had four hours or so and a thirty minute nap before I went out this afternoon.

@ByHisSideAlways you say ‘This is all very outing but I don't care, I'll never shy away from my love or grief for my wonderful husband’.
Sorry I haven’t learnt to quote yet but that’s exactly how I felt and feel. I’m sensible enough to know I’m giving too much info but my grief and love is too much.
You also say ‘he was the first and only person who really understood me’
and that’s what I’m finding particularly difficult. My husband was the only person who I could be myself with and totally loved and understood me. That was a revelation to me and to have it taken away for the rest of my life… I’m also a very nervous and anxious person, which I mask incredibly well (he was astounded how well I could) but without him to give me that confidence I feel completely adrift.
@Hisredipad and we lived in each others’ pockets too and I’m glad we did. We were so thrilled to find each other and of course since he’s been ill he’s been around a lot more. But what a huge gap.
@Emptyandsad you are right. I have forgotten how to be kind to myself. I have so many regrets and things I wish I’d done. I want to change things and I can’t.
I’m a great problem solver but I can’t solve this problem.
I’m going to have to be careful. I don’t want to get up in the morning. I’d rather sleep and sleep and believe that my husband is in the next room. This is not good for me or my teenager.
I’m feeling worse and lonelier and miss him more with every day that passes.

@Sunshineandbluesky, I do honestly think things will improve in time but what I can’t tell you is how long that time will be. I wanted to sleep but then one day I wanted to clean cupboards and drawers and sort out a few things I’d wanted to do before DH had passed. And I did those things, and a lot more since.

they say time is a great healer and I do believe it is but I’m also of the opinion it’s a lot longer than we may realise. And if for the moment you want to sleep or slump on the sofa then that’s ok but do try to shower and eat etc.

@Sunshineandbluesky , I think what you are describing sounds perfectly "normal", for want of a better word.

Your loss is still so, so recent, in the scheme of things, that that all consuming feeling of fear and devastation is still very much to the fore for you.

There is such a lot of sorting out to do in the very early days (I heard it referred to as "sadmin" on another forum which I thought was very apt) that you almost float around on autopilot in a haze of disbelief initially and the sadmin is a distraction.

Then there are the funeral arrangements to organise and focus on and once that has happened - then what?

The new reality, is what comes next.

A reality we never wanted, or asked for - it just happened and we don't like it - give us back our old lives please.

But very, very gradually, we do adjust - little by little and at a snails pace we do start to develop our own new routines while hanging on to some of the old ones and, the grief, while always there, becomes less all consuming.
Those ludicrous things, that in the early days have us sobbing uncontrollably in public (it was seeing lamb chops in Mark's and Spencer for me - don't ask!) no longer reduce us to a weeping mess - they will forever more pull on our heart strings (of course they will because of the memories they evoke) but we each develop our own coping strategies in order for us to function in our own lives.

I fully appreciate that at this moment in time, you cannot ever envisage yourself in that position but it will come eventually - sadly, as @Hisredipad says, the time frame is different for everyone, and not linear as @Emptyandsad pointed out.

Sending huge hugs your way - hang in there Mrs.

Hello, hope everyone is doing ok. I haven't been on here for a few days as I've been struggling a bit, I guess that should have been precisely the time I should have came on and got my thoughts out into the world.
I collected DH (well his ashes but I like to still think of it as him) from the funeral director on Wednesday. It all happened a bit too quickly to be honest and I hadn't really considered what to do. Both MIL and BIL offered to take him home with them. However, when DH was in the hospital I promised him I would take him home as soon as I could (expecting him to leave very much alive). So even though everything is completely different I still owe it to him to bring him home with me where I know he would want to be.
The funeral director had warned us about what it would be like but Wednesday night was awful. He is in an awful cardboard box in a gift bag. We have decided to scatter some of his ashes at the place he loved most and I am going to keep some in a some urn at home. DH once said to me, long ago, that when he died he wanted me to have some ashes in a piece of jewellery so he could go everywhere with me. I'm not sure if he was joking or not but I am going to have a necklace or ring made and he is indeed going to come everywhere with me.
Today I am taking my niece to a concert. DH would be coming too if he was here so it'll likely be a tough day but I am determined to make it as enjoyable as I can for my niece. I know DH would want us to carry on but I definitely feel like what's the point without him here?

Sending hugs, @ByHisSideAlways . Yes, the way that you get the ashes back is often a shock to people.

I didn't actually collect my husband's: I opted to have them scattered by staff at the crem and still sometimes feel a bit guilty about that. There's a story attached, but that's for another time.

Yes, the "What's the point?" feeling hits hard at this stage. No words are adequate.

I hope that your niece enjoys the concert and that making it fun for her helps you.

@ByHisSideAlways

Ah you remind me of bringing DW home. She came in a paper bag like the ones you buy with charcoal for the bbq. I don’t know what I had been expecting, but it wasn't that. I put her in a carrier bag and she sat on the hearth in front of my wood-burning stove for 8 months until we were allowed to have a proper memorial/interment with people there.

It seemed such a bathetic end to the life of a woman who had been so much, lived so energetically and whole-heartedly. I visit her grave every now and then, but it seems so empty, so devoid of her.

I urge you to hang in there. Even though you can see no point. Everything changes - that seems to me to be the definition of our existence - even if the change can be glacial slow

Sending hugs to you all

I've been really struggling this week, a whisker away from tears at any given moment. Submitted my final assignment for my course on Wednesday and now have 8 weeks of placement, and I think even though this course has been tough, it's been a bit of a protective bubble. I've been thinking of the end of it as a horizon that I can't see past and now I'm approaching that horizon and have to think about "real life" beyond it - I feel like a FlatEarther terrified that I'm going to fall over the edge.

It was 5 months yesterday. I don't think anyone in my day to day life appreciates how horribly hard this is.

Thinking of you @atiaofthejulii . Yes, you find yourself aiming for something and then once that's done you wonder what the heck you're supposed to do.

The come down after achieving a hard-won goal is a real thing in ordinary life, so when you're struggling it hits twice as hard

@ByHisSideAlways that sounds so difficult. And @Emptyandsad I have no words! Surely there’s a better way. I haven’t had my husband’s yet. What a crazy position we’re in. I do remember the funeral director asking if I wanted them in a cardboard box or pot. And I said pot.
My husband did say that he didn’t care where he went, he just wanted to be with me. So I think, much to my family’s horror, I’ll keep him here in the house with me. I’m going to have a ring made with some of his ashes to carry around everywhere with me too. Then whenever I die, he can be with me.
@atiaofthejulii you’ve worked so hard to get your course done, it must have been a major distraction that you’re back faced with an unknown future again.
And I’m sorry that no one in your life appreciates how hard it is. I was one of those people. I know I’ve said it before that I genuinely felt so sorry, but had no idea of the horrific pain people are going through.
Thank you everyone for your really kind words last time I posted. I have friends and my son but feel so lonely without my best friend. I know I was lucky to have him in my life, but horrifically unluckily too.
I still haven’t managed to get my head around the fact that he’s not coming back.
I agree there’s a huge feeling of “what’s the point”. Mine is my son and I need to keep that in my head. But he’s at that age where he doesn’t want to do or go anywhere with me.
I just can’t stop myself from thinking what a ridiculous situation I’m in. All my darling boy has to do is come back and everything will be fine again.

Darling DH is in a beautiful oak box I chose when we chose the coffin. He’s currently residing in a glass fronted sideboard but not many people know he’s there. I did get it out recently to show my parents the beautiful brass
plate on the with it’s inscription on the top and can’t get over its weight, I too was given him in a gift bag but realised there was no way it would withstand the weight and had to hold it from underneath. I chucked the bag in the recycling as soon as I got home as didn’t want to use it give someone a gift in.

ive just seen the eight month pass, actually I forgot and it was DD that reminded me. Sort of feel a bit more normal in the past day or so, like coming up for air after a deep dive, but am slightly concerned it’s because I’ve been busy and distracted rather than actually moving on.

DH is going in his relatives grave in our village church soon. Not sure how I feel about that really, our first dog’s ashes are still on the bookcase as I couldn’t bear to send him out into the cold. I might pop him in under DH, not quite sure what the vicar will say.

Sending hugs to you all that in days to come you will feel better xxxx

My DH is still, predominantly, here with me.
I say predominantly, as, truth be told, he's dotted about in several places, in UK and beyond, near to people who loved him, almost as much as me.
I have a couple of mini-urns - very mini, approximately 3 inches high, dotted about in various rooms in the house and I always take one with me when I stay away from home.
I have been known to slip one in my coat pocket when going for a walk - the nearest thing I get to holding his hand these days😢
I did get some very pretty ear rings made with a sprinkling of his ashes but I have to say for some reason when they arrived, beautiful though they were, they just didn't make me fee connected in the way I thought they would.
Maybe it's because they're stuck in my ears and I can't see them in the way you would, a ring.
My plan is, when I eventually shuffle off, I want my ashes mixed with the remainder of his and we can both be flung wherever but we'll be dispersed to the elements together.

I hadn’t considered jewellery made from ashes. I received his wedding ring from the undertakers the day of the funeral and it fits perfectly behind my wedding ring. DH had never taken his wedding ring off. He had extreme views on that, always taped over for an operation. I feel close to him wearing his ring and I always fiddle with it if I need a chat.

I have a small amount of ashes separately and will keep a tiny amount to go in with me once I’m gone, just in case I can’t go in his family grave.

i keep thinking about putting some on the dog walking field route but so much gets built on round here I’m too scared to. DH built our house and I’ve got to have some work done on it soon which involves a bit of concrete and had this bizarre idea of putting some ashes in the concrete so he’d always be at home for as long as it stands.

and I often feel he’s with me on a walk, as I wear his trainers, we have the same size feet, and wear his fleece too.

I had DH's scattered in the local Garden of Remembrance, according to his wishes. I'll be going there too.

Three days after the funeral, I was woken by a banging on my front door. It must have been loud - we'd had to switch to the downstairs back bedroom and at that time I was knocking myself out with a combination of zoplicone and diazepam.

DH's ex. It was all very strange. She said that she'd 'just been passing' and that she was 'walking her dog' This was during lockdown. She actually lived in the next village.

She rambled on for a while. I vaguely recall that she repeated what she'd said to me on more than one occasion: "You must be like me - sick and tired of dealing with the dead and dying..." As before, I bit my tongue. I wish I'd just lost my temper there and then, but I was still trying to be 'good' and I was pretty doped up. Eventually it turned out that she was trying to persuade me to place the ashes in in DH's parents' grave, many miles away from me but close to where she lived half the week with her most recent partner...

She and DH divorced well over 30 years ago.

I was very accommodating to the ex (for the sake of DH's adult children) for years and later because I felt sorry for her (when her 3rd partner died). I was obviously far too accommodating.

For a while, she had me thinking that maybe I'd done the wrong thing, in spite of the fact that I'd followed DH's wishes.

Strange woman.

@Hisredipad :There's also a company that do engraved jewellery using your nearest and dearest's actual handwriting - taken from cards or notes they've written to you for example.
I haven't seen their work in the flesh so to speak and I did consider having something made but then thought maybe I was getting a bit carried away with the memorial keepsakes so haven't done it - yet! . www.wildhoneybee.co.uk if anyone wants a peek

and 80 million other sellers I've just discovered on Etsy!

I sent off to Klever Cases and got them to do a couple of customised box files for me: one contains letters and so on that DH wrote to me; the other has the original recordings of the two cassette tapes that I have him plus back-ups for both.

https://klevercase.com/collections/antique-book-storage-files