Strong waves of grief years later (stillbirth)

[Eldermilleniallyogii]

My first child was stillborn give years ago and while I feel fine most of the time and have another child now sometimes seeing something about babies will trigger me and I can feel like it's just happened.

Last night I was watching a film and scenes of the main character holding her newborn in hospital sent me right back there. I cried so hard I had to get up and go to the bathroom so as not to wake my DH. I felt like I was reliving it and remembering holding her, having to leave hospital without her, making the decision to have a post mortem done, the funeral, being on mat leave and that horrible alien feeling of being a mum without a baby and either making people feel uncomfortable if they asked if I had children or feeling guilt for pretending she didn't exist even if momentarily.

It’s been 3 years for me and whilst my loss wasn’t a full term stillbirth I did still birth my son, held him whilst he took his last breath and had to walk away and leave him in the hospital…the single hardest thing I have ever had to do. It was all so traumatic, and the loss huge and so profound that I was just numb whilst also being totally and utterly grief stricken and devastated at the same time. I would liken it to an out of body experience and think parts of me just shut down in order to protect myself.

Parts of my loss come back to me like snapshots, some times unbidden, sometimes triggered by something I have watched or read etc, this often causes a fleeting or momentary grief and occasionally it cause a huge tidal wave of emotions and sadness that overwhelms me.

The loss of a child is the worse pain in all the world, so truly tragic and so immense is the depth of grief that we simply cannot feel it all at once. You reaction is normal, it’s another portion of grief you have allowed yourself to feel and that grief is just your love for your child, and when our children are not with us this is just one way in which to express it, sad as that may be. Grief is just love with nowhere to go.

Sending big hugs for both you and your angel baby ❤️

I'm so sorry op 💐 it's just so utterly shit.

My son died 28 years ago and my daughter died 18 years ago now.

Even now I still get times where it feels like I have been punched in the gut and I can't breathe.

You've been through the absolute worst thing a parent can ever go through, there's no timeline for the grief. It will stay with us forever.

It will be 20 years this year since my first baby was born sleeping and I still feel a deep grief about it, despite having two healthy babies afterwards.

For me, it brought up lots of previous trauma, which I have more or less processed after years (and I mean years) in therapy. Processed as in it doesn't interfere with my daily life anymore, although is still triggered in certain circumstances.

I'm very sorry for you loses, both of you.

It is so hard I know. Grief seems to subside and then suddenly appear from nowhere, and for a while it is like going back to the beginning again.

I lost my OH 5 years ago and appear to everyone to be OK, but last week I went to a gig with our GS playing lead guitar with great skill and panache and all I could think was: "OH would have loved this", and I just wanted to sit and weep. They had a real affinity and shared musical skills and it cut deep.

I am so sorry that this film triggered your grief again. We do not get over it - we walk alongside it. Such a cruel trauma for you - take care.

I lost my little girl 2 weeks ago, I was 27 weeks pregnant and her heart suddenly stopped beating and I have no idea why. 48 hours prior, her heart rate was very strong. She was a little miracle ivf baby and I have no other children. I am so frantic for answers, the post mortem takes 12 weeks for results. Did either of you find a cause? There is nothing I can imagine that is more traumatic than giving birth to your baby knowing they are sleeping. My mind is in such turmoil I can’t ever see how life can possibly become enjoyable again 😢

@Lucymorris I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet little girl. I can very much recommend Sands and Aching Arms for support. My Aching Arms Bear is very precious to me. I now fund raise for both charities and that gives me a sense of doing something in honour of my son. This is early days for you though, just concentrate on finding comfort wherever you can.

In answer to your question I chose not to have a post mortem, but I did have histology done on the cord and placenta. I didn’t ever get a definitive answer as to why I lost my son, but we did discover that he has an SUA (single umbilical artery) and while healthy pregnancies can do go to term with a SUA it can also be a marker for certain conditions. I don’t know if perhaps I would have gotten these answers if I had chosen to have a post mortem, but I have had to make my peace with not knowing. As my bereavement midwife explained it to me is that sometimes we get answers and sometimes we don’t, there will be reason why, but they can’t always find the reason. I hope that you do get answers, and I hope that one day you find some peace. It’s a journey and it’s not a linear one, so be kind to yourself ❤️

@Lucymorris I went through a similar experience nearly five months ago, my daughter arrived at 26 weeks due to reduced movements. I also went through IVF and she was meant to be our first miracle baby.
We had a post mortem and genetic testing with no conclusive results, we don't think we will ever find out exactly why our baby was so unwell.
It's so tough and very hard to deal with such a loss. Take all the support that your offered. Child Bereavement UK have been great so far and offered us face to face counselling.
I know I felt the need to start IVF really quickly again to try for another baby, but honestly I still don't feel ready I'm still taking it day by day and being kind to myself as my mental health has really taken a battering.
Sending lots of love xxx

So sorry - it must be very hard to have no explanation for such a tragic occurrence.

Thank you for your kind words and I am so sorry for your loss of your precious little boy. I have reached out to sands and also have an aching arms bear. The bereavement midwives are amazing. I also hope to help others in the future, it really is something you can’t understand unless you have been through it. Sending you lots of love xx

i am so sorry for your loss, our stories are practically identical. The not knowing is so difficult but at the same time another way to look at it is if everything is healthy then that gives hope for future pregnancies. I would definitely get my embryos tested if I did go again. The ivf process in itself is such an ordeal. Did you get your embryos tested? I pray our little ones are safe somewhere together in a kinder world than the one we live in 💔 xx

Thank you for your kind words and I'm sorry for your losses. I will reply with properly later. I know they say grief comes in waves but it surprises me sometimes how I can feel really okay one day and then I can go right back. It's true for me that the good days go up in number as time goes on.

@Lucymorris I'm sorry for your loss which is so recent. We did not have a reason why our baby's heart stop beating at 40 weeks. I remember that wait and I hope you get answers as soon as possible. Sands were really good for me when I first had my loss so I always recommend people seek them out if it would help.

I’m so sorry for all bereaved parents. My son died last month, aged 19. The flashbacks and waves of grief make us feel like we can’t go on. It is the worst emotional pain on top of physical shock. Lots of love to you all.

Ah @BereftBeyondBelief I'm so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what you are going through 💐

My mother lost a baby in 1944, and about a year before lost a three year old from TB. I have never understood how she managed to put one foot in front of the other but she did. The baby stopped moving a week before she was born when my mother fell on the stairs.

I think she kept going for her other children, although she used to get my birthday mixed up with my sister’s when I was a child, so I realise now that neither loss were far from the surface.

I’m so sorry. It has been 15 years since my stillbirth and I still have waves of grief too. We never forget and losing our babies changes us. I recall just after I lost my baby my grandmother who was in her 80s at the time wrote me a letter and told me about how she still missed her baby who was stillborn. I think it is completely normal to feel this way. And certain events definitely bring back all the feelings of grief.

It’s really shit. My daughter was stillborn 8 years ago, and I now have a son who is 6 and he’s helped heal us so much but even if friends have a baby I still get a little pang. Like why couldn’t that be me having two healthy babies. There is no expiration date on grief, it’s totally ok to miss your baby, even 20 years on!
Sending love xx

I feel very similar to you. I still find it a bit strange seeing pregnant women or newborns in photos. They make me think of my first pregnancy and the photos I have holding my DD who had died xx

That's heartbreaking @LatteLady

love to you @Mepop

It has been 26 years this September that my first born child, my only son, died in my arms.

Even after all these years, and despite going on to have two healthy daughters, the grief I feel for my boy will never leave me.

I go on with everyday life, of course I do. But if I allow myself to think about that time when he died I am transported back there to the hospital with him and the feelings are real and raw. It doesn't take much 'scratching' to open that massive wound.

I am sorry to say but it will never go away. You learn to live with the loss but it never completely leaves you and you will never forget the child you lost. That child was supposed to be here and you had hopes and love and dreams for it and years later it can still be so very raw.

I lost my olivia 10 years ago this month. It feels like yesterday the pain is so raw right now. Honestly it hurts more now thinking i could be celebrating her tenth birthday.

My little girl would have just started school, she passed away when she was just 3 days old. I can resonate with everyone here, I’m so sorry for everyone’s losses.
It truly is the worse pain isn’t it. Never leaves us, because our love for them never fades.

@Brightstorm and @mommaboo I am so sorry for your loss 💐

My little boy would have started school this September too. It’s hard sometimes these invisible milestones, a first day at school that never was, an extra little face missing from around the dinner table, another set of little hands that should be with you opening Christmas presents and sharing in the joy. Can be hard to talk about these feelings with others who haven’t experienced this kind of loss, to those who don’t understand the missing person that has to live in your heart instead of in your arms.

Love to both of you xx

Sending you lots of love, OP. It’s been nearly 11 years since I lost my daughter and I still get blindsided sometimes with completely immersive emotional flashbacks.

All the horrible and heartbreaking memories I longed to be able to tell someone about but nobody could bear to hear it.

I felt absolutely terrified in the presence of pregnant women and very young babies for about 5 years, until I aged out of the season of life when people around me were pregnant all the time. I can handle being around pregnant women these days but I do still have a vague sense of doom rather than excitement.

I lost my three sons Charlie, Henry & George 7 years ago who were stillborn. I still have waves of grief too, i just wanted to let you know your not alone xx

Sending all of you embraces of love and an acknowledgment of your loss. xxx