Crush after spouse died

[Chopsy70]

I lost my husband 5 months ago today. I've just gone on holiday and met an older man.
I'm really confused, there was nothing romantic but it feels like a crush. He was very similar to my husband albeit much older.
I've come home and I feel like I really miss him, then I feel guilty.
I don't know what to make of it at all. Is it just the grief? I want to contact him but my head says it would be a mistake. I don't want a relationship but it was nice spending time with someone new who seemed to get me. All at sea today?

Don't feel guilty. It's no reflection whatsoever on the love you had and still have for your husband. Just be extra careful- think carefullly and critically, - you are probably still very vulnerable emotionally- ask opinions from friends. If it goes any further, get friends to meet him in person. Alternatively, just enjoy having the crush. A small spark of comfort in a difficult time.

I met a man online, 2.5 months after my husband died. He's really helping me to recover from the loss.
If you have feelings for this man, then please don't feel guilty. You won't forget your husband, or the memories you made with him. You'll make new memories with this new man, if you want to become more involved with him. You won't be disrespecting your husband either.

Thanks for that. I miss my husband dreadfully and I imagine meeting the first new person who I got on so well with just had a great effect!

Maybe you’d just like some company or emotional connection even sex? There’s nothing wrong with whatever it is you’re feeling, and you can feel different things at once - miss your husband and be grieving what you had with him, as well starting to enjoy things and piece together a different life for yourself. It’s probably still a bit soon to get into a full blown relationship, but there’s lots of stages from enjoying conversation to remarrying/moving in together to explore! Enjoy it.

I have messaged this man this week. Just light stuff. He said he was pleased to hear from me.
He replies very quickly but doesn't initiate.
So difficult to know how to feel.

Could be the start of a new friendship , which is lovely. You will never replace your DH, you don’t have to feel guilty for moving on.

Transference.

Grief counselling might help.

I’m experiencing this too. I lost my husband 9 months ago. There’s a guy who I get on with, who I’ve just met, who I think likes me (and I like him too). Messages with heart emojis, etc. but nothing solid.
It’s sending my mind spinning and I feel so muddled about it all. It’s a crush I’m trying to suppress. He’s very different to my DH.
I think it’s probably still a bit too soon for me to consider a proper relationship. I don’t feel like I’m thinking straight at all.

There is something called Widows Fire which I knew nothing about. My husband passed suddenly five months ago and by chance I have recently started chatting to someone in an online widow support group. We're enjoying the chat, he lost his wife around the same time as me but we both agree we don't want anything serious. My emotionals are all over the place but it's a nice distraction for however long it lasts x

Thanks for this thread ladies I am sort of going through something very similar and it has helped me a bit

To be honest, it's just a massive relief those feelings and emotions are still there to be experienced!

Being lost to the shadows of grief isn't a way any of us would choose to live.

I lost my partner 10 years ago this month and jumped very quickly into a relationship with someone I knew through a hobby. I feel like he love bombed me when I was very vulnerable and then left me when his feelings changed and he still, unknown to me had a messy situation with an ex.

My counsellor who was amazing described my need to find an anchor to replace my partner when I was in a state of shock still, because I couldn’t deal with his loss and with hindsight I totally agree with this and wished he’d just offered friendship and support.

Ten years later I’m remarried in a healthy relationship but no one will ever replace the person I loss. My husband has different strengths and qualities that I treasure. You can move on and love again without forgetting the person you lost but I would advise caution in the early months when your emotions are all over the place and hard to identify and understand.

So update....
I went on holiday with the same company and met this man again.
We got on so well, spent a lot of time together. The rest of the group noticed and said we acted like a couple...i.e. getting on, teasing, sitting next to each other etc. We get on so well. He touches me occasionally, seemingly accidentally.

Sometimes if we were on my own he'd hold my hand fleetingly. Nothing too romantic but to me it felt like something!

I told him at the end of the holiday that I am fond of him and will miss him. He batted it away, but said he'd enjoyed spending time with me. I feel he likes me but because of the large age difference and my recent bereavement he is wary.

I'm glad I told him how I felt, albeit in an understated way!!

What to do now?

You carry on building your own life, it's his choice if he wants to join you in it.

It sounds tough, but chasing for something doesn't really work - it sounds like you had a great experience on holiday, you told him you'd like to continue - he knows how to contact you.

His wariness is his stuff to sort out, it's not your responsibility to repackage yourself, you've been open and upfront and if he isn't in a place where he can then it's something to acknowledge and move on from.

Sounds like a cracking holiday though 😁

I think it’s good that he’s wary/cautious because (to me at least), it’s showing he doesn’t want to hurt you (or get hurt). They always say you shouldn’t make any big decisions for at least the first year of bereavement as sometimes your feelings are grief-induced. Can you continue to just have a nice friendship with this man and see how you feel in 6 months? Be honest with him - tell him how you feel but say that right now you need to process your loss and that takes time.

I think you leave it in his court now. You’ve told him how you feel. Doesn’t sound like he’s very forthcoming.

Was also going to post about widow’s fire but PP beat me to it. It’s very common to have these intense feelings in the aftermath of a bereavement.

Sounds like this new chap is being cautious and that sounds sensible. I would leave the ball in his court and focus on yourself.

How much older than you is he?

It could be a number of things. He might realise that you’re vulnerable and think you wouldn’t look twice at him in normal circumstances so doesn’t want to make a fool of himself. Depending on his age he may even feel a bit fatherly towards you and so his attention is coming from a place of care rather than romantic interest.

I think you should probably let things sit for a bit and see what develops.

Be wary of listening to advice from people who haven’t been widowed OP, however well intentioned. No other grief comes close and other people can be very judgmental about how widows behave in the first few years, it’s like society has a strict set of rules for widows so they don’t threaten others views of life and death and love.

I was widowed young 15 years ago and met my now DH only 6 months after my first DH died. I do think the cause of death is significant, if like me, your late DH battled a long illness, then our grieving started months or even years before he died. So people commenting on timeframes of grief don’t take into account the searingly lonely years of terminal illness.

Enjoy the new relationship for what it is.

Thanks all for your comments.
This man is 20 years older than me. I can feel his warmth towards me and I think he is wary because of my situation. He knows I have a lot of friends and support. I didn't make a big deal of telling him. Just told him that I wanted him to know how much I appreciate him, how fond I am of him and how I'll miss him.
I'm not sure what he would take from that.
I was calm and not emotional..as I said to him I make a point of telling people how I feel now, since my husband died. It's important to be clear to those who have an impact on you.
My husband died of cancer and I had a period of anticipatory loss.
I've tried to be proactive in my grieve....like going on holiday!

I want to message him, just keeping in touch but maybe I should wait a while before I do....
Thanks all

I think you've left the ball in his court now op and maybe best to wait to see if he contacts you. It was brave of you to tell him your feelings and quite refreshing from the usual mind games people play.

I lost by boyfriend when I was 23 and ended up in a new relationship quickly. I kept it secret from pretty much everyone as I felt ashamed and then found out I was pregnant so it all came out in a bit of a messy way. We are still together and happy nearly 20 years later. Recently though something happened which made me think more about the past and the loss and I think I’m almost going through delayed grief while being happily married and it’s hard to articulate. I’d say don’t be frightened of your heart but take care to make sure you grieve properly. Both can probably happen at once but be aware that they need to. I’m glad I took the risk and I have a good life with a lovely husband but I wish I’d not stopped looking back before I was ready and closed down opportunities to talk.

So another update. I am going to be seeing this man again in a couple of weeks. We both decided to book the same holiday, same company as before.
He still replies quickly to texts, just light-hearted still. Today he sent me a photo of him and his family at an event. Felt more personal. So looking forward to seeing him again.