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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Time Bomb

85 replies

Katherine · 28/12/2002 17:33

At the end of October I experienced a trully horrible miscarriage at 12 weeks. This was my 3rd loss following 2 happy pg. Unlike my other losses however this was harrowing with waters breaking, contractions for 30 hours and v. heavy blood loss with a 999 rush to hospital. 1 week later I had a blood clot which had to be removed but other than that there was no surgery and they let mature take its course. Anyway needless to say I decided to wait till after Christmas before trying again!

4 Weeks after my loss I had a day of spotting but it never turned into a period. 2 weeks later more spotting. Then last week a tiny bit more. Then I started to feel really sick and it dawned on me maybe I was pg. A test proved positive but I was sure I had already lost the baby. However my symptoms got stronger and stronger so that I actually began to hope this little one might make it. But today I had another bleed. Not enough to be a mc but enough to convince me one is coming.

I feel so desperate. I don't want to see a Dr or mw preferring to let nature take its course but I just feel like a time bomb. I cannot understand how I got pg - apart from one night of carelessness 2 weeks after my loss. This must have been it but given what I went through physically I cannot imagine how I ever convieved. I just wish my body would get on and get it over with. Blood loss in my case has never had a happy ending and I just cannot believe my body is ready for pg. It is my own fault. I should have been more careful and can't beleive I let myself get into this position again. This is going to be a great start to the new year......

OP posts:
clucks · 28/12/2002 19:29

Katherine

I remember your loss a few weeks ago and I am truly sorry for what you are currently going through. I do not have any experience to advise you with but wish you the best and atleast you know you are v. fertile and will make it in the next few months. Take care

honeybunny · 28/12/2002 20:01

Katherine-I just wish I could say something to make things ok. I'm sending lots of cyber hugs and hope this time there will be a happy outcome. OXOXO

Demented · 28/12/2002 20:12

Katherine

bossykate · 28/12/2002 20:50

hi katherine, so sorry to hear you are so upset and worried - very understandable in the circumstances. it is not your fault. wishing you the best possible outcome.

bayleaf · 28/12/2002 21:25

Kathrine -I'm really, really sorry to hear what you are going through - it is so very unfair.
I've been thru the whole multiple miscarriage bit myself and so have some idea of the utter awfulness of it all - and you really don't deserve so much more pain so soon after your last loss.
It's a horrible time of year to be going through something like this - the worst - I just hope your dp/dh is around and able to give you some support.
Thinking of you
Bayleaf
x

anais · 28/12/2002 21:28

Like everyone else, I wish I could do more than sending love and best wishes. I am thinking of you and hope things work out for you. Take care. xxx

robinw · 28/12/2002 21:39

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Batters · 28/12/2002 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hilary · 28/12/2002 22:30

Oh love, I have been thinking of you. I had a miscarriage just after you did and you had such kind words for me. Thinking of you and hoping you are ok. So sorry.

SoupDragon · 29/12/2002 09:46

Thinking of you, Katherine. I'll keep everything crossed for you.

MABS · 29/12/2002 10:02

Really thinking of you Katherine. For the record I conceived ds after 3 consecutive m/c. I found I was pg 3 wks after last m/c (still don't know how - must have been a miracle as I sure can't remember the sex I had a horrible pregnancy and bled all the way through, convinced I was going to m/c again ......but ds is now 2 yrs old! Take care xx

tigermoth · 29/12/2002 11:39

Katherine, really sorry you are going through this. You know your body better than anyone and I have no experience of multiple miscarriage, so please, please excuse me it the following is not relevant, but I think if I were you I would probably at least speak on the phone to my gp. After the recent complications of your last loss, shouldn't you inform them? Not wanting to cast gloom and doom but thinking how this might affect your health and future fertilty?

Thinking of you.

Caroline5 · 29/12/2002 20:21

Katherine, so sorry you are going through such a traumatic time. You must be so worried. As others have said, will keep everything crossed for you.

ScummyMummy · 29/12/2002 20:46

Sorry to hear this, Katherine. It sounds awful. I do hope everything will be ok and, like anais, I wish I could do more than just send my very best and keep my fingers crossed for you. I hope your family is offering you the support and love you need to get through this.

WideWebWitch · 01/01/2003 12:00

Katherine, sorry to hear this but... you are being SO hard on yourself and I don't think you should be - miscarriage is not your fault, as many others have said. Thinking of you.

jessi · 01/01/2003 13:34

Sending best wishes to you Katherine, so sorry to read your news. Take care.

Original poster
Katherine · 01/01/2003 17:12

Thanks everyone - its so good to know you are all there. DH is doing his best but its a men are from Mars thing! Thinks I should just keep busy and suggests things like bike rides and swimming to take my mind of it all!

Still feeling sick which I suppose is something positive. Spotting stopped for now but everytime I get hopeful it starts again. It has been very light so maybe there is a baby in there still but I just don't want to get my hopes up.

Its not that I'm blaming myself for loosing another baby - just that I promised myself I would be careful so as not to spoil christmas - and here I am.

I always tell people they should get a scan so they know either way but I'm finding it hard to follow my own advice. I just can't face the MW and sonographers again so soon. I'm sure I know what they will find and I don't want to be sent for another D&C. Awful as it was last time I'd prefer my body to deal with it. I'm just frightened that I will miscarry in the same dramatic way as last time but hopefully such a loss is rare and when it comes it will just be like a heavy period again. Just wish it iwould get on with it or settle down and let me be pg!

I am determined to hang on as long as I can but we'll see what happens. I am (theorectically) 9 weeks today and I can't help hoping just a little bit.

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
Marina · 01/01/2003 19:32

Katherine, nothing to add to all the words here except hoping and praying that things work out for you this time. "Can't believe I let myself get into this position again"...PLEASE don't be hard on yourself, you were keen to start trying again...it's such a natural feeling to want to get on with trying, I know that from experience. I do understand about not wanting to see a GP or midwife after recent unhappy experiences, but please make that call if you possibly can. As Tigermoth says, if things don't work out this time, you deserve a referral to a specialist centre - I think there is a Professor Lucilla Poston at either Queen Mary's or St Thomas' in London who has a Recurrent Miscarriage Unit. Really hope you don't need that last info.

Hilary · 04/01/2003 22:23

Just wondering how you are, Katherine.Still thinking of you and hoping the silence isn't bad news. Sending you my love, H

Original poster
Katherine · 06/01/2003 09:44

Hi Hilary
Thanks for your kind thoughts. I'm still here with occassional spotting but nothing that would obviously be a mc yet. I am still trying not to get my hopes up but I do still feel very sick and I had milk again over the weekend so just maybe....

I know I should just go and see the mw and I would have my answers almost straight away but I just can't face it yet. DS started school today so I don't want to end up in hospital any time this week. I will try to summon the bottle next week once I know he is settled in.

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Hilary · 06/01/2003 12:40

Good to hear you are still ok. Really hoping this one works out for you, you have been through enough. Hope your little boy gets on ok at school and hope you manage to get some rest.

Batters · 06/01/2003 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Katherine · 06/01/2003 16:06

Hi Batters - no of course I don't mind what you say - its good of you to care. It may seem daft me holding back like this but this is the 4th time I've been in this position and I've never suffered any ill-effects before. I know there is probably some small risk of infection but at the end of the day I just want things to happen naturally. I can't bear the look on their faces when they realise this followed straight from my last miscarriage and I just can't face the scan screen with a blank again. I am feeling very low about the whole thing but just feel I've got to put DS first this week. I might phone the MW and see if she'll book me a scan without seeing me but its likley to be next week anyway unless I go to the EPU and that is just to far away. I just wish none of this had happened. I should have been all excited now and just about ready to try again.

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bundle · 06/01/2003 16:23

Katherine, I agree with others re: being pushy about getting referred - St Mary's expert is Prof Lesley Regan, who's written a good thorough book on the subject (Miscarriage: What Every Woman Needs to know, a positive new approach, pub: Orion, ISBN 075283 7575 - it's quite sciencey and has lots of no-nonsense advice). she helped someone I know who had 3 miscarriages in one year to conceive and give birth to a healthy little girl. good luck

Original poster
Katherine · 08/01/2003 16:04

Thanks Bundle. But my mcs have been very different. My first two were missed mc with no sign of a baby. The term blighted ovum was used. These were horrible as it felt like my body had been pretending to be pg and one minute I was pg, the next I wasn't. The last one was totally different. There was a baby but not at the stage it should have been so my personal feeling is that there was a genetic problem. The way babies grow is a miracle so it doesn't surprise me that things go wrong sometimes. I don't want more exams or tests right now and besides I live up near Manchester so the London clinics are out of the question. I've just got to see what happens next....

Speaking of which you will all be relieved to hear that I finally summoned the courage to go see my mw this morning. She was very kind and quite positive. The earliest scan she could get me at our local hospital was for 3 weeks time (!) so rather than wait she's booked me at the EPU in Stockport on Friday morning. Means a 2 hr round trip and I'd really rather not go back to that place so soon but at least they are very nice there and properly set up.

I'm feeling very sick and have milk, breathless and peeing endlessly. No spotting for several days and although I feel a bit menstrual I remember feeling on the brink of a period for the first trimester of both my successful pg. I can't help but be hopeful that there might just be a baby in there. Hope there is as I really feel I can't go through all this again but we shall see what happens on Friday.....

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