Scattering DF’s ashes somewhere I really don’t want to

[Onedayatatimeisenough]

DF died a couple of months ago. It wasn’t expected, and my parents hadn’t really had much conversation about any funeral wishes etc. DF spent most of his life outside the UK, but had lived here for the last 15 years or so.

DM wants to scatter his ashes somewhere soon, and wants to go to a place at the opposite end of the country to where they lived. I really don’t want to scatter them there as I honestly think DF wouldn’t want them there. The place is somewhere they used to go and stay with DM’s extended family previously as they lived there, but beyond that there is no connection to the place.

It’s somewhere DM enjoyed and was happy which I imagine is why she wants to scatter them there which I do understand. I’d bite my tongue and just go with it for that reason, but DF had no connection to the place and didn’t particularly like going there. It’s also not somewhere DM will ever be able to visit again unless I took her as she doesn’t drive and it’s a 3 hour drive, so not something I’d be up for doing frequently.

Would you just go with it for the sake of DM or say something? I have suggested somewhere else which is more meaningful to us as a family, and closer to home so DM could visit and she has said it’s maybe a good idea but keeps going back to the place she has suggested so clearly that is her first choice.

I think I am maybe being unreasonable given it is her husband and she should probably be able to choose where she thinks but my emotions are getting in the way of a rational discussion. I’m an only child so it’s only the 2 of us to agree.

Sorry for your loss. Have you got a specific alternative place or places in mind? If she wants to get it done soon and she doesn't have an alternative it's natural shed gravitate towards an identified place rather than an unknown one.

Do you have any religious beliefs?

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think I would say to your mum from your perspective, rather than saying that she's wrong about what your dad would want. So, tell her that you would like it be to somewhere that you could visit easily, for your benefit.

Is there somewhere that yo7 have happy memories of as a family that you could suggest?

Sorry for your loss. Would you consider splitting the ashes?

Thank you all.

We do have religious beliefs as a family, but more DM than me.
We’ve discussed splitting the ashes and DM is happy with that idea, it’s me who isn’t which I know sounds daft to be honest.

I think we both know that in reality, DF would probably have chosen for his ashes to be scattered in the country where he (both my parents) spent most of his life but it’s the other side of the world and simply isn’t feasible for DM to travel that far healthwise even with me now. DF was also very laid back so in reality, he’d probably say to do whatever we wanted.

I have suggested an alternative place to DM, which is close to their home and where we spent time as a family. My children also spent time there with my DF which is also on my mind.

I am a bit concerned if I go ahead with where DM wants, I will feel resentful and regret it for a long time. But if I don’t, I would be pushing her into something that wouldn’t be fair on her either. I’m the one being the hold up here really I think now I try to explain it.

DM isn’t in a rush to scatter the ashes, but extended family are pushing. I think maybe I need to just say I’m not ready yet and let the idea sit with me for a while so we can have a discussion when we have had more time to think maybe.

I’d probably be happy scattering them where DM wants if I could have somewhere else to go to remember DF- I had looked into a bench at the place I suggested but it’s a public place and benches are £5000 to place one there which is beyond any idea I might want to pursue.

But you might be able to put up a bench or other memorial later, if you can't do it right now?

I'd split the ashes. I don't think your Dad would want you to fall out over such an issue, and your DM might want to remember him in other places and situations than you do.

If you and your mum are happy to wait, then wait. It's not for your extended family to decide

Maybe send a message to your extended family saying that you're not ready to decide yet, so please stop putting pressure on you because it's making difficult time harder for you and your mum, if they keep pressing

It’s definitely not something to fall out over. I’m aware it’s me being the spanner in the works here because DM would split the ashes if I wanted to and I absolutely understand why DM wants to scatter them where she has chosen as it’s a happy place for her. It’s not fair of me to insist on something else but I also don’t want to agree when I feel quite strongly about it.

That’s a good point re a memorial at a later date, thank you. I think I need to make my peace with where DM wants to scatter them or agree to split them which is a sensible thing to do and she’s happy with anyway.

These conversations always seem to be more emotional than you would like to be.

Thanks for the thoughts, it’s helpful to hear them without the debates attached!

Are you having a memorial stone or anything created? I know all options are costly but some more than others.

I am of the view that the whereabouts of the ashes are not that important as your dad is not contained in them. He's so much more than that and you'll feel his presence in the places you remember him spending time with your children. If you can see it that way, then I'd let your mum use the location she wants - though I would make it clear there won't be repeat visits to drive her there. Can she accept that after the scattering of the ashes, she might never get to go back? That might be a question worth asking.

It seems likely that your DM would want her own ashes scattered there, and would like them to be together. Have you thought about how you may feel about being able to visit them both together when the time comes? It might help you come to terms with potentially scattering them where your DM has chosen.

Do you think your Mum would like her own ashes scattered in the same place she has suggested for your Dad?

Sorry, I missed the previous post which suggests the same idea.

Public benches are expensive, but what about having one made for your garden if you gave one and have space? If a bench is too big, what about a planter?

Who are the extended family who are pressing you and DM to get on with this?
Is it DF's siblings?
I think that's where you need to push back. The people that really matter most here are you and your DM, and if you're not in any hurry and want this to evolve naturally to an agreement between you then that's what you should do. There's no timescale for this.
I'm very sorry for your loss, @Onedayatatimeisenough

I think she probably would like her own scattered there. She scattered her own DF’s there about 10 years ago, which made complete sense as he loved the place and was born nearby.

I have to be honest and say I would likely not go and revisit it again if she did want her ashes scattered there. I would scatter hers there to honour her wishes, but it is somewhere I don’t like and doesn’t have pleasant memories for me- this is probably why I am so torn with the fact she wants DF’s scattered there. He shared some of the memories that I have of the place and I know didn’t like going back afterwards but went because DM enjoyed it.

Sorry, I seem to be drip feeding here.

If she wants their ashes together and wants them there, I would honour that because she wants them together. I think it’s a good idea to have that conversation in amongst this as it might clarify things. Thanks for that prompt.

No, sadly DF’s siblings don’t live in the UK, he has no family on his side here apart from me and DM. It’s DM’s siblings, who were very close to DF, and also have family ties to the area DM wants to scatter them.

I’m going to say to them to leave the discussions alone regardless of what we decide. Thanks.

I hadn’t thought of this, good idea. My children would also probably like this to remember him. Thank you.

It looks like you’re both on board with splitting the ashes and that seems to be a good solution.
My dh isn’t bothered what happens to his ashes. I’ve said I’ll keep them if he goes first and he can come in with me. I’ll not be displaying them and asking visitors to greet him though.
if I go first my dh and kids know my wishes and are happy with them. As I’ll be gone I’m not really bothered what they do.

I don't think you should rush the decision. You need time and I hope you'll find a good answer.

But, gently, when your mother is happy to split the ashes and presumably give you the say on where some end up, I think you should be careful about overruling her on where she wants to lay her husband to rest. The living matter - you and her - and I think you do need to consider splitting the ashes if you aren't happy with her decision. It makes sense that you both associate your dad with different happy places. If your mother gives in to you, once the ashes are scattered, there will be no going back.

I think this may be too soon for you to decide, and that that is probably getting in the way of finding a solution. That is normal. Give yourself six months, or a year. Hope you will find a solution that comforts you in the end.

Why don't you let DM scatter the ashes where she wants and then you can have a memorial tree planted at a place more special and nearer to you. To be honest, ash scattering is always a bit of an anti climax and rarely the emotionally charged event you imagine it to be and obviously there's nothing tangible to go and visit afterwards. I say this as a widow who was devastated when my husband died relatively young so I do know something about it. You have to ask yourself whether your DF would want you to upset your mum in any way over this issue, that's the important question.

I agree with @Oftenaddled that you should take some more time, if that wouldn't be detrimental to your DM's wellbeing.

Another consideration is does your DM want her own ashes scattered somewhere you'll revisit. If so, it sounds like she shouldn't choose her original home town as you've said you probably won't go back.

When my DF died my mum’s priest (she’s religious) told her to make no decisions for a year. He said he’s seen so many people sell their houses, move away, and take other reckless decisions, and then regret it further down the line.

My DF’s ashes sat in a pretty box in the corner of the living room for almost two years, and when mum was ready we scattered them in a place we all loved. Your family isn’t ready yet. Take the discussion off the table until you’ve done a full cycle of the seasons, and when you’re ready you’ll know. My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for your loss. It’s very hard.

My brother wanted our beloved dad's ashes to go where he grew up, a town a long way from where we all live. My mum and I would not have been able to visit this town on a regular basis but, as my db drove a lot for work, it would be really easy for him. We compromised by having the ashes near us and a memorial bench placed in the local park of the town where dad grew up. As it turns out, mum used to go nearly every day to where dad's ashes were, she found great comfort from it and I'm grateful we didn't have to undertake a long journey each time.

Could you consider planting a tree (and thus scatter the ashes) somewhere more local so your mum and all of you can visit? I know Woodland Trust offer a wide selection of woodlands around the country, ditto RSPB.
Natural Burial Grounds also offer ashes internment and tree planting, my friend's parents ashes are buried in one and an apple tree dedicated

I had a similar situation with my Dad's ashes - Mum was desperate to get the scattering done and chose a place I thought was frankly horrible, the local reservoir, yes Dad sometimes used to cycle round there but more just as a reasonably quiet place with cycle paths than because of any particular fondness for it, it stinks in summer and is bleak in winter, the footpaths are covered in litter and graffiti, not somewhere you'd want to visit and think of fond memories of Dad . I wanted to take the ashes abroad to a place I know he really loved but it was Covid times and travel was difficult and she was adamant she just wanted it done without further delay.

I was upset at the time but gave in and TBH I think I'm glad I did, she just couldn't relax until 'he' was out of the house and Dad would have been far more upset about her being stressed out or any family fallout than about being dumped unceremoniously in the reservoir . He always used to say that it didn't really matter what we did with his body, he wouldn't be there any more, and I think that's true, our memories of him are the same regardless of what happened to the ashes, and when you scatter them they sort of dissipate into the air and the ground and the general eco-system, it's not like they physically stay where you've put them anyway...