Scattering DF’s ashes somewhere I really don’t want to

[Onedayatatimeisenough]

DF died a couple of months ago. It wasn’t expected, and my parents hadn’t really had much conversation about any funeral wishes etc. DF spent most of his life outside the UK, but had lived here for the last 15 years or so.

DM wants to scatter his ashes somewhere soon, and wants to go to a place at the opposite end of the country to where they lived. I really don’t want to scatter them there as I honestly think DF wouldn’t want them there. The place is somewhere they used to go and stay with DM’s extended family previously as they lived there, but beyond that there is no connection to the place.

It’s somewhere DM enjoyed and was happy which I imagine is why she wants to scatter them there which I do understand. I’d bite my tongue and just go with it for that reason, but DF had no connection to the place and didn’t particularly like going there. It’s also not somewhere DM will ever be able to visit again unless I took her as she doesn’t drive and it’s a 3 hour drive, so not something I’d be up for doing frequently.

Would you just go with it for the sake of DM or say something? I have suggested somewhere else which is more meaningful to us as a family, and closer to home so DM could visit and she has said it’s maybe a good idea but keeps going back to the place she has suggested so clearly that is her first choice.

I think I am maybe being unreasonable given it is her husband and she should probably be able to choose where she thinks but my emotions are getting in the way of a rational discussion. I’m an only child so it’s only the 2 of us to agree.

Sorry for your loss 💐 My dad's ashes are in interred in the memorial garden at our church, a place he loved and he had said years earlier he would like his ashes there. I understand how you feel and I wouldn't have been keen on splitting the ashes either, but although I am very happy dear dad's ashes are where he wanted, i see my dad's ashes in the garden as being a memorial to him but like dad isn't actually there as such. I feel like he is all around me and find him in my memories and we also talk about him often. Could you make your own memorial for your dad? Maybe look into getting a plaque on a bench somewhere you are reminded of him?

This is a reminder to leave wishes about what you want doing with your remains.

Absolutely! It’s been in my will, and in DH’s, since we first wrote wills and we are both aware of each other’s wishes, as are our closest friends/Dh’s brother. My parents never discussed it as my DM basically refused to. DF took out a funeral plan and wanted to take one out for her too a few years ago but she refused to discuss it as it she said it was tempting fate. Thankfully she now sees the reasoning behind said funeral plan for DF anyway, and is a little more willing to discuss her own wishes.

It makes it much easier on those left if you know someone’s wishes I think.

Thank you for sharing this. Like you, I don’t actually see my DF’s ashes as him. You have described your thoughts well re him being all around you and in your memories, this echoes what I would say. I think I think I need to apply that thought to what we do with the ashes so DM can do what is right for her.

I’m very sorry to hear of the loss of your DH. Thank you for sharing this. It’s good to hear from someone with an understanding of my DM’s situation as it is very valid.

Let your mum scatter the ashes where she wishes but keep a little bit back and have it made into memorial jewellery for yourself. Then you can have your dad with you all the time

I don’t have any good advice. When FIL, DH eldest brother pushed them into scattering ashes in the same place as his GP. However it’s not the nice place it was 30 years ago, MIL did not want them scattered there either.
When she died he did the same. I’ve not been but DH says it’s awful and made me promise he won’t end up there.
My MIL never went there, neither DH or his younger brother go as it’s just so awful. I doubt BIL does either. He also pushed ahead so it was done asap. It was badly handled and I know DH and younger brother are upset still decades later.

I'm redoing all my legal stuff this month as ds died so wills/ POAs need to updated. We have divided his ashes into 4 so he's going to be all over the place!!!

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

The thing is, you're not supposed to scatter ashes where you want. They're toxic. It tells you you're not allowed in the form that comes with them.

A memorial in your garden is a lovely idea for your Dad.
I don’t think splitting ashes is a bad idea, your Dad is not his Ashes, he lives in your heart and memories.
Sorry for your loss.

I had no idea public benches were so massively expensive!

I see human ashes scattered quite frequently in attractive places- so clearly people do scatter ashes Willy nilly where they like- they are pretty idiosyncratic in appearance.

Human ashes aren’t toxic.

They are dusty but not poisonous .

No bacteria or viruses remain.

Split the ashes that ms what we done

Exactly this. Two months is very early to be making irrevocable decisions. You may well find you feel differently in six months or a year.

our memories of him are the same regardless of what happened to the ashes, and when you scatter them they sort of dissipate into the air and the ground and the general eco-system, it's not like they physically stay where you've put them anyway...

This is also very true, in fact more so as many of the elements which made up someone's body are broken down and released into the air at cremation. The ashes are just what's left. I think it's rather wonderful to think that atoms which were once part of someone I loved have a new existence as part of the soil, water, plants, sea, and other things that he loved.

In all honesty I think this is like a funeral - it's for the living.

If your mums heart is set on this place it's for her own reasons: perhaps your belief system is different but I don't believe the deceased will know where their ashes are scattered.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss. I bought a tiny little urn off amazon. Scattered my dad where he wanted to be and kept literally a tablespoonful that sits on my dressing table . You can get all sorts of designs that aren't obvious what they contain. Hope this helps. 🙏

I'm not going to get into a debate about it in the bereavement board but a quick Google will probably tell you all you need to know on the subject.tbh.