My DH died

[Kikkideerligghter]

My DH died just before Christmas. He had a procedure on his pancreas, as they suspected cancer. He came home and had his tea and then felt poorly, so he went for a lie down. Half an hour later he called me to say he felt worse. I had a number to call at the hospital, so I rang and asked for advice. They said to come to A & E. It was awful in there. There was nowhere left to sit and they said it was a seven hour wait.

He insisted I went home, so I left him there.😥 He subsequently collapsed and started vomiting, so he was seen and admitted. That was Monday evening.

I spent most of Tuesday with him on the ward. He looked awful. His abdomen was really swollen. That evening I had a call from a consultant to say they were moving him to intensive care. On Friday they told us he was dying. He died on the Monday exactly one week from having the procedure.

I am still in shock. It was so quick. I can’t take it in. Due to it being an unexpected death, it’s all had to be investigated through the coroner. As it was over Christmas everything has been delayed. We have our first solicitor’s appointment next Monday.

The necessary admin has been horrendous. My letter to the DVLA has been lost. Other utilities have been useless. It’s a nightmare. I can’t sleep.

I'm so sorry for your loss, what a shock. Do you have any friends/family you can turn to for help? Wishing you all the best throughout this horrendous time.

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you get the answers you need.

I recently lost a colleague to a similar scenario but a different op and it's very difficult to process the thoughts.

Take your time and try and write things down where possible to give your mind a bit of a break.

I am so sorry to hear about your husband, OP. What a huge shock for you all.

Do you have close family to support you? If it helps you in anyway, please feel free to tell us about him.

Big hugs 💐

Thank you @ItsFreedomBabyYeah . Yes my family have been amazing and are looking after me.

@Kikkideerligghter I am so sorry, it's so hard I imagine, especially in these early hours when sleep eludes us
Such early days I image and everything so overwhelming

My sympathies @Kikkideerligghter , it must have been a great shock to lose your DH so soon. Please don't worry about the Coroner's court or notifying utilities straight away, just try to take care of yourself

So sorry for your loss. It’s so hard when you are dealing with the shock of it all. Regarding admin, just take it slow, I would have the odd day where I’d get a few things a day followed by a few days of ignoring it all. DVLA also told me my paperwork must have been lost in the post and how I would have to get a new V5 etc. I spoke to 2 of their members of staff who could find no record of my paperwork having been received in the post yet 2 days later my new v5 came! They haven’t got a clue!
Go easy on yourself, grief is a long game, spend time with friends and family, look into bereavement groups like WAY or WAY up depending on your age, in time did out about counselling too.

So sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how tough it is.
There is a service called Tell Us Once that we used (10 years ago now) when my dad's wife passed away - they deal with DVLA / passport etc. Although my dad did say at the time that it was one of the harder calls as it felt as though he was just "erasing" her from everything, so bare that in mind.
I know PP have suggested some bereavement groups, but CRUSE is another one to look into.
Take your time, go easy on yourself, and grieve at your own pace - there are no hard and fast rules. x

I'm so sorry to hear this x

Yes, I second Cruse and would note that they also provide support on practical things, not just dealing with the grief itself.

Sorry for your loss. What a shock.

@Kikkideerligghter , I’m so very sorry for your loss. What a dreadful shock, I hope you have family and friends caring for you. He sounds like a lovely man worryingly about you and sending you home, we all feel guilty when someone dies but that is a natural part of the grieving process and I hope you know he wouldn’t want you to. Lean on your loved ones and be kind to yourself, come back here and tell us how you are coping. I shall keep you in my thoughts. 🙏🏻

I am a retired nurse and always told my post op patients to have a regular afternoon nap for a couple of hours during convalescence.
After my son died I couldn't sleep at night, but I tried to go and lie down in the afternoons and I found that by leaving the radio or tv on low I would drift off for a while. It did help.
I found aromatherapy massage very helpful too.
I watched a lot of netflix in the early hours during that first year and got through a lot of camomile tea.
Don't make any big decisions for at least a year. Give yourself time.
It is so hard.
I have been through the post mortem and inquest process, so if there is anything I can help with, do ask.

Thank you for all the lovely replies. I’ve just had a little sleep on the sofa. I sent a covering letter and new forms to the DVLA yesterday and paid £8 for guaranteed delivery and signature. I hardly dared to look at the tracking but it’s all arrived and I have evidence!

I used the “tell once” system, so much of that is sorted.

The water company, internet provider, gas and electric, council tax is now all sorted, along with car insurance and house insurance.

My son and DIL have been brilliant support but they do have work and two children, so I’ve tried to do some of it.

The admin had been horrendous, with some providers requiring several phone calls and emails. It happens every single day that people die. You’d think they would be better.

I feel a bit better, especially seeing the DVLA have my mail. I will await their response. We sent my first letter with log book etc., by signed for post. The tracking shows the post office received it but didn’t deliver it. So that was a waste of space.

Thanks again everyone the kindness of strangers is a bit overwhelming. 😥😢

What a terrible shock you've had. I'm so sorry you lost your husband.

It sounds like something could have happened in his op. It's such a shock when you lose a loved one suddenly and unexpectedly. I am sorry for your loss. There is a service called Tell Us Once that you can notify and then it covers quite a few things. When you do get a death certificate get about 4 or 5 because everyone you have to notify wants one as proof of death but half of them don't return the death certificate to you.

@Kikkideerligghter I’m so sorry, my husband died suddenly almost 3 years ago and the death ‘sadmin’ was a horrible experience.
What helped me in the early days was taking naps and not putting on a brave face.
Things have got easier with time, which is something I couldn’t have imagined in the early days. But for now you are very fragile so be sure to protect yourself as best you can and accept any kind offers of support

I'm so sorry for your loss.. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through. Sending love x

I’m so sorry OP.

Last year we lost my DSis in her 50s in a similar unexpected way, it was ten days from first stroke to seemingly recovering and then suddenly having another stroke and dying before we could get to the hospital.

I think the shock of it really does make it a different experience as you haven’t envisaged it happening at all. (Please don’t anyone think I am saying this grief is worse that those without the shock factor but I do think it is different).

You sound like you’re doing well and I’m glad you have support. Take it easy and be kind to yourself. You will never get over it but the heart wrenching sobbing days will become less frequent as time goes on.

Sending you love.

Oh, I am so sorry you are going through this. My ds took his life 4 months ago and it is so hard.
Lots of self care, nourishing food, don't get afraid to tell people to fuck off if it all becomes too much.
Much love xxx

Can I ask for help navigating this please?

It’s two months since my DH died, very suddenly. My friend’s husband died a year and four months ago, also very unexpectedly. Her coping mechanisms appear quite different to mine. She’s spent a lot of time with friends and been to stay with various friends during the last year.

Apart from close family, I need to be pretty much by myself. I am generally happy with my own company and being with friends, particularly at present I find exhausting. I would never go and stay with someone, I’m just not that sort of person.

She keeps wanting to see me. I’ve cancelled once saying I just wasn’t up to it. She’s now invited my out for her birthday lunch, with three other of her friends who I have only met once. I’ve told her I’m not ready. I know very well that I would feel awkward and uncomfortable if I went. Plus, I still don’t have much of an appetite. I apologised for not going.

She went silent on me, so I think I’ve upset her. I texted her and said I hope I hadn’t upset her she’s replied and said she hopes to see me very soon.

I don’t want to lose her as a friend but I feel pressured to do what she wants. She is a tad bossy and has told me I have to keep busy. I’ve been extremely busy with life admin etc., I just feel like I need five minutes to myself.

Hi Op.

I remember you and your previous thread. I’m so sorry. I can’t remember if I posted then or not but I also lost a loved one to pancreatic cancer - although we did at least get to spend a few months with him before he died.

Could you send a gentle text along the lines of “I know you are concerned and that this is what worked best for you but I don’t feel it’s right for me at the moment.”

And tell her how much you value her friendship and that you’ll let her know when you’re “ready” ?

Thank you. I’ll say that. ❤️

I expect she just felt upset because she wants to help and also be helped iyswim. She's likely felt very alone last year and the idea of having a similarly widowed friend was probably very pleasant. But I bet she also feels bad about seeing an 'upside' for her and realises she's misjudged it. So say what you need to but keep lines of communication open. You are both on the same road, you can help each other.

I’ve texted her to say how much I value her friendship, which is true. I’ve said what I need right now is time on my own to process everything.