DF can't attend DMs funeral

[TheMerryAquaBird]

DM died at the weekend and it was her wish for her funeral to take place in her home town, about 2 hours away from where we all live now.

DF has just said he doesn't think he is well enough to travel. I'm trying not to think of the emotional side of that, just practicalities for now, keeping him included, even if he isn't present.

Had anyone been in a similar situation? Do people do live streams, or arrange a smaller memorial locally for people who can't travel?

Thanks for any thoughts or advice x

We had a live stream for my husband's funeral in 2023, as he had lots of friends and colleagues abroad who wanted to attend, so it's definitely possible.

When is the funeral? Is he unlikely to feel any better in the next day or two? I've been at funerals before where they live streamed it, so it could be an option

My MiL didn’t attend my FiL’s funeral (they’d been happily married for over 50years), she decided on the morning of it that she wasn’t well enough. There was nothing we could do, but she did have long chats before and after with the vicar which helped.

sorry for your loss.

I’ve recently heard of a funeral being live streamed for a granddaughter who was away travelling in Asia - the grandparent knew they were likely to pass when she was away and didn’t wish to disrupt her travel. I imagine it is fairly common from Covid times - your funeral director likely will have information of a company that can provide this.

I'm sorry for your loss.

My DM couldn't attend her mums funeral as she was having chemo and couldn't travel. The crematorium arranged a live stream for her so it's definitely possible
So sorry for your loss <3

Might it be worth having a funeral/cremation where you live now so DF can attend and then taking your mum back to her home town and having a graveside memorial?

Sorry for your loss.

Were they living together ?

Honestly I would ask myself what my Mum would have thought important: her DH being there, or the location.

What does DF think?

Her ashes could go to her home town?

Or he could have a private ceremony to scatter / bury her ashes near to him?

So sorry for your loss.

you could hold a small memorial at parents home (or nearby) before or after that DF could attend

I agree with this. Your DF not being able to attend seems a good enough reason to have the funeral more locally.

I'm so sorry you lost your mum.

Would your dad normally have attended? I don't blame him for feeling ill if they were very close.

If he doesn't attend, who would be with him to watch it online?

I think you have to think about whether your mum would have preferred him to be there over the location.

I'd have it locally. Her husband needs to be there. The funeral is for those left behind. Could you do the committal in her home town?

We had a livestream for a funeral recently, what I thought was really lovely was that the pastor asked if there were any people who we knew would be watching, they were specifically welcomed by name, eg ‘we welcome so and so, Mary’s brother who Is joining us from New York and so and so, her close friend, who can’t be here in person due to illness’

Livestreams are very common these days. I agree that holding the service where your father can attend if he wants would be better but if he decides he doesn't want to attend then that's fine. I know a couple of elderly people who have refused to attend their spouses funeral.

Thank you all for your advice. His health is a long term issue so isn't going to get better and she did know he probably wouldn't come. He can be a difficult man, but she stuck to her guns on this, so i want to make sure it happens as she wishes.

The feelings are too hard to think about so I'm focusing in the practical stuff I can control.
The live stream seems a good option, but he is also asking about having somewhere local he can lay flowers to remember her.

Is there anywhere local like a community orchard where you can plant a tree?

The funeral isn't really about the dead, it's about those left behind.

Could you have something in both places? I feel for your DF.

Short term: Livestream it, bring him back one of those cards with all the details and the photo if you're doing those.

Longer term: Get him a memorial stone to put in the back garden (yours or his) perhaps?
My DF is buried 5 hours away as his new wife insisted, so I've got a memorial stone in the garden where I lay flowers. You can either get ready made ones that say something generic for under £50, or you can pay a headstone masons to do you a small one (pet sized, I think ours was) with all the engravings to make it personal. Ours cost about £300 in 2020.

Also sorry for your loss. 💐

I think your SF should get to decide here.

Is she being cremated because that makes it easier to have the funeral at home then scatter ashes where she wished. Otherwise I'd have the funeral at home and then an interrment in her place if choice.

I'd pay for a bench in "their" spot and then get got somewhere to visit locally.

It's daft to have everyone travel 2 hours to a funeral. Do that and the wake locally.

Do you think he’s doing this to be difficult? One last act of defiance?

I think you should carry out your mum’s wishes. AFAIK live streams and recordings are now a quite normal offering from funeral directors.

Thank you again. He's always been very controlling but she was adamant about where she wanted it to be so I won't be changing that. I like the idea of the memorial stone as she loved her garden and had it so nice

He has choices. Livestreaming has become easier to do since covid so I'm sure the funeral place will be able to do that. Otherwise can he break the journey with an overnight hotel room so he only has to travel the 2 hours instead of four?

If he was that controlling over his wife in life then I suspect he's trying his damnest to be controlling over her death too. I'm very glad to hear you won't change your mother's last wishes.

Obvious question - could she have decided to request it there so he couldn’t go?

We had the same here, for relatives abroad, who thought it was lovely they were personally 'included'. I believe most funeral homes offer a live video now, since Covid it's just become a thing. Usually you have up to 7 days to watch so OP could always watch with her father afterwards if he doesn't want to watch it alone.

If attending is important to him, I'd definitely have 2 ceremonies - after all, many funerals are in 2 parts anyway with a service and some form of committal.
So maybe have a short service locally, and then a burial/cremation in her hometown.
Is it the 'resting place' that's important to her (which would mean the burial in her hometown), or is it about the people she thinks (thought) would want to attend being local (in which case you could do it the other way around)?

There will be some kind of balance between respecting/carrying out her wishes and giving your DF the opportunity to participate in his wife's funeral. Unless he's housebound, then attending via a link seems very impersonal. Unless he's definitely happy to do so of course.

Or you could have a cremation in her chosen location, and then scatter the ashes somewhere local to your DF, with a celebrant doing some kind of ceremony for you.