Did anyone elses family implode after traumatic death? Trigger warning mentions suicide.

[ToppKat]

Family member took their own life. Everyone devastated - then 6 months in rows begin, someone blamed and family members now estranged for nearly 4 years now.

I am so sorry. I imagine it's inevitable really. People can't cope with the pain and start to blame other people. How terrible for all of you.

Not suicide but my maternal GM died suddenly of a stroke when my mum was a tween, her older siblings had mostly left home, had dad couldn't cope, she was largely left to her own devices. Her mum's death sparked a domino effect of terrible choices and events, teen pregnancy with an abusive older man for DM, siblings randomly disappearing, moving to Canada and all sorts that wouldn't have happened had she been around I think she was very much the glue and they all struggled massively they've all been pretty much estranged for 50 years and never got over it.

Not family, but I have a friend whose closest friends have ostracized her after her husband took his life. It seems they felt she should wear widow's weeds in perpetuity. She was in her mid-30s when it happened. She met someone (nearly 2 years after) by chance, not actively looking, and they hit it off. The friends arranged a get together, and told her it was too soon, that it wasn't fair on them after all they had done to support her and she had to choose them or him.

I didn't know the group well, but had met them a few times with her. Her new partner is lovely and so supportive of her needs. She is building new friendships.

Yes. My family did in more ways than I could type.

Half sister killed herself.
My mother had a ministroke (or a TIA)
I was 5 months pregnant and became very unwell trying not to grieve so as to protect the baby
Mum went on to have 3 more strokes and ended up with dementia which lasted several years and went to end stage so she died a horrible, long drawn out death.

Then my dad dropped dead less than 6 months later.

This is all very outing but I don't really care!

So yes, total bomb went off when my half sister took her life.

So sending love, OP.

My daughter took her life … we were heartbroken. My sister cut contact with me as she disagreed with how my daughter’s funeral was arranged (she came to the funeral) then told me she never wanted to see me again. I haven’t seen her since. This has split my family but I still feel I did the right thing. I’m sorry you are dealing with a very hard situation.

I have no words. I'm so sorry that you lost your DD that way, and your sister's actions are just inexplicable. I'm so sorry.

Sometimes it does. Grief can be awful and have the most devastating impact.

@Justhere65 I am so incredibly sorry you lost your daughter. That must be unbearable. What on earth was your sister doing behaving like that? Why was she making your poor daughter's death all about her? What is your relationship with her like before?

I'm so so sorry.

My own family imploded for a while after my dad died. He would have been horrified. We made our way back (mostly through me just forgetting what had happened).

It was never a perfect relationship as I was always a little afraid of her.
When we lost my daughter, our grandsons had lost their mum of course. The eldest struggled with it all so our rector suggested a very small service in the chapel with just immediate family around her, then a service of celebration of her life in the afternoon in our church. We went along with this, supporting him … he was so brave. But my sister objected as we did not have space for all my nieces and nephews in the chapel and we felt we had to honour what our grandson wanted for his mum.
Of course they all came to the service in the afternoon. My sister avoided me the whole day then when I went to give her a hug as she left, she turned away and said she would never see me again. It was very upsetting but I am more at peace with it now.
My daughter adored her boys.

I am shocked and saddened by the many devastating experiences relayed here.

My heart goes out to you all. @Justhere65 we had a very similar situation at our siblings funeral but it was a distant aunt who complained to all around her at the funeral and sent one of her flying monkeys over to berate me. I was raging but have not spoken to either since - they wont have noticed.

I was aware that this happens when there is money or will issues but when its a sudden, untimely, shocking and traumatic death it seems that that type of grief where people are turned inside out causes huge damage and 'hurt people, hurt people'.

I have carried deep shame that this has happened only amongst my siblings - its like another different grief / loss on top - but one that doesnt seem to be resolving (in our case at least).

Maybe this subject of family fracture after trauma is taboo?

Thank you for your lovely and insightful response. I think you are right … it is seen as a taboo and I am left forever thinking that I did something wrong or could have managed the situation better. She called me before the funeral to let me know her feelings and shouted down the phone ‘I can’t get through this without my daughter by my side’. I was burying mine 😞.
I was in such a state of shock and deep grief that I was unable to do more than I did. I am glad though that I let my grandson decide. He adored his mum and wanted to do the right thing for her and we couldn’t keep everyone happy, although my brothers understood and have been very supportive.
Although there is a sadness, the loss of my sister was the price I paid and it was a price worth paying in knowing that my grandson did his best for his mum and I am so proud of him. It is what she would have wanted.

I’m so sorry for the pain so many of you are suffering. In my experience of natural and traumatic deaths people can behave very strangely and families and friendships can end. I think it’s more grief and bereavement than the method of death. In fact in one murder and one suicide of which I’m close to those immediately impacted people did really rally round the family and things are as well as can be in the circumstances.

Thats the most important thing - that you stood your ground to support your grandsons needs and wishes. He needed you to do that for him and not be rail-roaded by the hystrionics of his aunt and cousin. Its just appalling you were put in that position in the first place.

I am so sorry for everything that has happened following the suicide of your half sister and each of these will have wolloped you further. I read recently that adverse events / trauma are cumulative - so I hope you can take care of yourself as you are carrying far more than your fair share currently.

She called me before the funeral to let me know her feelings and shouted down the phone ‘I can’t get through this without my daughter by my side’. I was burying mine.

I don't know how you bore her saying that. And I don't understand how she never recognised (even later on, if she said it without thinking) that that was a terrible thing to say

Suicide is just horrific. I work in social care and recently had a young service user my team were supporting intensively take her life in tragic circumstances (after many years of trauma)- everyone is devastated and the ripple effect is huge. I can't imagine how awful it must be if it is a close family member and can absolutely understand how families would implode.

Thank you. I think that because of her saying that, I feel as though I have to protect myself and I know that sounds selfish.
I send my love to anyone who has experienced suicide in their family or friendship group as it is very hard to live with.

I’m sorry you have had to go through this. Suicide can cause huge problems in families when we should be supporting one another. Very sad.

This is disgusting. What business is it of hers how you say goodbye to YOUR child, regardless of how she died.
If she spouts religious reasons, she is talking crap. Our church has held several funerals for people who have died by suicide.

I am so so sorry for your loss

Yes I see it all the time. Sometimes a mum or a dad are the glue of a family, keep everything ticking along and everyone getting on for that persons sake. Then when they die everyone is grieving, emotional, angry plus were only making the effort for the person, and then the stress of sorting things out estate wise maybe.
I've seen kids distance themselves from the other parent, suicides, breakups etc

So sorry I've not seen the word traumatic in the title, was just talking about typical loss. Ignore me xx

Yes. My mum killed herself, her whole family which was extensive as she was 1 of 5 children and all had multiple children, blamed my dad for not knowing she was going to. They just stopped talking to us, so over night we lost mum and a whole extended family.

My DSis died unexpectedly and people's reactions ultimately made me reassess relationships within the family. My mum's sister and mum told her by text message the night before that they weren't coming to the funeral. No phone call on the day, didn't contact me at all for a few days to see how I felt having buried my sister. Other things have happened since to show they don't really see us as family so the relationship is superficial at best... It sucks but they've made their indifference obvious

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you x