My brother is dying.

[Upwiththisiwillnotput]

Please can I ask some questions, I don't want to upset the wider family.
He is in hospital on end of life care. He can no longer take liquids or swallow. Realistically how long will it be before he dies?
What happens immediately after, where will he go?
For context he has been ill for some time with various conditions including COPD, he has a weak heart and stomach bleed.
I am sorry if this sounds quite cold, I am in coping mode at the moment. I love him very much, he is 65, not married and one child he doesn't see. We are a big family of siblings and he has people with him. I can't be there. I saw him a week or so ago and he was still him, although painfully thin and grey looking.
Grateful for any replies .

I’m so sorry. It’s fine not to be there. It could be today, or in a couple of days. Most likely in the night when everyone has gone.
Sending lots of love

I can't answer your questions, but I wanted to write that I am sad that your brother has to go through this. It must be very difficult for him, and for you, and for your whole family.

You don't sound cold at all, it's normal to have questions. You sound like you care about your brother very much.

If he can no longer take liquids (and presumably he's hardly taken any for the preceding few days), it will be very soon.

I'm so sorry.

Thank you. I feel like I'm in some horrible limbo, I'm off work at the moment and just pottering about. I want it to be over and I feel like a bitch to be feeling like this.

I'm so sorry, feeling a bit numb is totally ok and normal. Being there or keeping busy is also ok.

Based on no medical but a similar experience about 2-3 days after everything is withdrawn. And sorry it must be so hard.

If he can't take liquids and isn't on a drip then I imagine it will be very soon. When my dad had fluids withdrawn he died a couple of days later. I'm so sorry

So sorry, OP. Most likely it will take a few days and he will be given morphine if he seems uncomfortable.
After it's over and any family who were there have had some time alone with him to say goodbye, his body will probably be washed and tidied and then taken to the morgue, and kept safely in a cool place.
Bless him. x

There's only one outcome in this scenario so it's perfectly natural to want it to happen sooner rather than later - for everyone's sake, your brother included.

My dad suffered horribly in his final weeks (lung cancer) and I sat with him overnight when he died. It was devastating but also such a relief when he took his final breath.

Not a bitch. You want him at peace and out of pain

Once the death rattle starts it's under 24 hours, usually much less

Hey @Upwiththisiwillnotput, if you've got a minute have a look at With the End in Mind, by Kathryn Mannix.

It's a beautifully human book about death.

I'm sorry about your brother, and I'm here if you need to chat.

But do look. Death doesn't necessarily have to be horrible. It's inevitable, needn't be bad though.

How are you?

And after he dies? He'll go to the hospital mortuary. From my experience, staff in hospitals who take-over after death are very kind and respectful to the person.

Do you have a funeral directors sorted out? They can take you through what happens. Dying in hospital will mean no wait for coroner and a death certificate will be agreed quickly.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Hope it's speedy for him.

Thank you all, again. He is on morphine and not in pain just sleeping. When I say I can't be there I could, physically but not mentally. I don't want to watch him die.
My work have been very supportive and to take all the time I need but I feel like a fake because he isn't actually dead? I'm all over the place tbh.

So sorry. You might have a better idea of how long it will be than staff. They said a week I knew a day or two. I was right

Be prepared for becoming unable to speak - not with everyone but common. Falling into deeper and deeper sleep. Very deep breaths at end. This was all my experience. Hope useful and not too much.

After he dies it has to be signed off by a doctor. If he is in hospital he will go to morgue. You can stay with him on ward for a bit. Not sure if he is at home.

Please take care of yourself x

My sister just recently passed away. She was 44 and in the hospice on end of life care, when she stopped drinking it was two days until she passed away.

I hope you and your family are ok. Xxx

Thanks again. That book looks fascinating, I may order that.
I don't understand why this feels different to when my parents died. I was devastated of course but it felt sort of normal?
And now I have just realised my dad was only 3 years older than my brother is now when he died. That's a headfuck.
Sorry rambling now, I should probably go to bed. Thank you for your kindness. I have a lovely DH and adult DC looking after me.

My dad passed away 10 years ago he was on palliative care for a long time in our house, he was just in a deep sleep for about the three days, the breathing started to rattle then has passed way.

My sister who was 44 also passed away four years ago and it happened so quick, she was in a hospice and she was quite agitated, still taking sip of water and sucking on ice cubes, then the rattling started and she passed away eight hours later.

I was on aeroplane mode just planning the funeral, the funerals directors everything for you.

I’m not saying this to be insensitive or nothing but get three copies of the death certificate because you will only need them.

A doctor comes and sign it off then they’ll be taken down of the morgue and the funeral directors then will sort everything out for you and your family xxx

Your brother is your generation which is why it feels different. I think all deaths are different and our feelings can seem irrational
No fluids at all, not even sips could take a few days. With sips, a bit longer.

Initially he will go to the hospital morgue. Your own funeral director will collect and the hospital staff will ask you who they are. If you don't have someone in mind ask some friends who have experienced a funeral recently about their experience. This may all sound weird and odd but practicalities like this have to be dealt with and people who have had to do this will understand

Don't feel a fake. Waiting for a death is very traumatic. It's the hardest thing I've done and left me scarred. A sudden death of my parent was shocking and traumatic but the waiting...that seared me.

Of course because one's parents dying is within the natural order. Sad, but ordered.

Our siblings?

No.

Because they are our place in the Universe.

They're our generation, and they hold all our shared memories.

If not them? Who?

Me?

I've just heard. He died in his sleep earlier this morning. Rest in peace, you funny, silly man ❤️
I'm ok. I have my family with me and my siblings and I will hold each other up. I am lucky.

So very sorry for your loss

🩶🩶

Rest in peace

So very sorry for your loss.

Thank you for asking this question, my dad is in a very similar position health wise and none of us dare ask the question how long? So thank you for your bravery, you've helped another family negotiate this sad time by having the strength to ask the questions I haven't been able to ask myself.

Ahh @BiscottiToffee, darling, I have two brothers and two sisters.

We are our history.

Love to you.

My mum passed away 3 months ago today after an 8 week battle with cancer. From withdrawal of IV fluid to passing away it was about a week. But she was still taking small amount of fluids orally. She had to have her water thickened in the last 3 days and the last day was just on mouth care (wetting her mouth and lips with water and lip balm).
She was in hospice for 6 days before passing and they guided us through everything. There is something in their breathing that changes to signify there’s hours left, that’s what we were told when it happened.
But honestly, no one can tell when it’s going to happen and even if you were there he may wait for you to leave again before passing. One of the hospice nurses told me that people tend to like to wait for someone to pop out to pass and it’s just the way they want to go.