I Just Want My Mum

[IJWMM]

I’ve NC for this as I don’t have the energy to change details. TBH, am not even sure what I want from this post, I just feel like I want to let everything out.

Am in my 50’s. Very small family (no uncles/aunts/cousins and no real relationship with my dad over the last 30+ years). One sibling who lives around 7 hours away.

My mum died earlier this year. Her GP surgery had basically been pretty useless with how she’d been feeling,so I ended up taking her to A&E. Things progressed fairly quickly after that.

We went from her making the decision to sell her small house. We’d got planning permission for, and she helped to design, an annex to be built in my garden. Really looking forward to her being really close, but also in her own place. To be told she had a rare and aggressive cancer - not operable, not treatable. Less than 3 months later she was gone.

She was basically a single mum, even when dad was around. And, from when I was a teen, she really was a single mum. My sibling and I were everything to her. When we went through her things we found letters that she’d written to us on various Mothers Days over the years. They were heartbreaking to find, but am hoping they’ll offer comfort further down the line.

for the last 25-odd years, I’ve hosted mum for Christmas. I just can’t quite believe that she won’t be here this year. Her birthday would have been a few days after Xmas, so that’s another blow.

To top it off, I had to have my beloved cat PTS on Friday. He was 15 and has been with me through so much. Letting him go was, rationally, the right decision. But I’m heartbroken that he’s gone, he was so special to me. And all I want to do is call my mum and tell her what’s happened. She loved him to bits, he was quite shy around people, but he loved my mum. I really hope she was there to meet him. Actually, I don’t believe in that, but I’m trying to so that it makes me feel better.

really no idea why I’m posting all this. I just feel broken and not sure how I’m going to get through all this. On the one hand, I’m feeling so sad that I’m soon going into a new year that neither of them will have been in. On the other hand, I just want this year to be over.

TLDR - I just want my mum back.

Thank you, that’s very thoughtful. I’ve actually got my mum’s cat. It was the main thing she was worried about, and I promised her that she should remove that worry- her cat would have a home with me until her time comes. She’s around 15 (rescue, so not completely sure, but that’s the approximate that vets gave).

She is a bit of a madam, but I’m fond of her and want the best for her on behalf of my mum. At some point in the future I’ll probably want a cat of my own, but I’m not going to do that until mum’s cat has passed - I think it’s best that she has no more upheaval in her life.

I may change my mind if I win the lottery, buy a mansion and take in a number of rescue cats!

Thank you, I worry sometimes that my garbled posts don’t come across in the right way !

Thank you for asking. I’m single and child-free - both by choice. I’ve been invited (and am going) to a very good friend’s house for Christmas Day. It’s going to be new, and incredibly weird, but I’m very grateful that I’ve got such a good friend who has offered support.

I will offer whatever help is needed, but it’s going to feel very alien to not be in charge of the kitchen activities on the day!

Doing something totally different for Christmas is an excellent idea. It’s a very hard time, and your grief is very new. The feelings are so overwhelming at this stage, it is hard to believe you can get through it.

I am so sorry you lost your mum. It absolutely leaps off the page at me, that she knew how loved she was. You don’t have to say these things in literal words for someone to know. The fact you were going to move her close to you must have been a huge comfort.

I miss my mum so very much, at all times but especially at Christmas. It has been several years now, but I still long to talk to her. The ache is always there, sometimes still sharp enough to catch my breath.

Thank you. Yes, that “catch your breath” feeling is pretty overwhelming. Going about your business and then, suddenly - wham! It’s really disconcerting.

your words are very kind, thank you. One of the hardest things, going through her belongings, were a few unopened packages. She’d ordered ordinary, every day, items for her new annex. Kitchen bits, cushions, etc - colour coordinated for how she wanted her new place to be. Seeing them, still in their packaging, was heartbreaking as she never got to use them. But it also made me realise how happy she was at the thought of what was supposed to be her new start. I couldn’t keep any of it, it was too stark a reminder of what was supposed to be. Ido acted them to the local hospice who had been great at starting to put plans in place, even though we didn’t reach that point.

I can’t imagine the ache ever going away - am really sorry that you lost your mum. I so wish we were able to have a five minute call once a year - I’d accept that totally to see me through.

I'm starting my 3rd day without her...my heart hurts..
But sending so much love to you all..
My dad died 18 mths ago..
I live 250 miles away so I'm apart from my DH and DCs but have 4 siblings and we are all very close..
It's been a horrendous 5 yr ordeal really.. Dad with cancer and Mum with Alzheimer's...
In reality we 'lost' her bit by bit by bit.. Alzheimer's can do one!
I'm helping my brother to clear her care home room today then I'm going home to my own family..
I'll drive slowly and I'll be listening to 'Dance with my Father' by Luther Vandross and crying my eyes out...
Thinking of you all..

My darling mum died unexpectedly in May. I wasn't there and had no chance to say goodbye. She was the centre of my world and life is bleak without her unconditional love. I'm dreading Christmas and just want to escape from the happiness and excitement all around me. I miss her so much and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier to bear. Hugs to all who have lost their lovely mums. x