I Just Want My Mum

[IJWMM]

I’ve NC for this as I don’t have the energy to change details. TBH, am not even sure what I want from this post, I just feel like I want to let everything out.

Am in my 50’s. Very small family (no uncles/aunts/cousins and no real relationship with my dad over the last 30+ years). One sibling who lives around 7 hours away.

My mum died earlier this year. Her GP surgery had basically been pretty useless with how she’d been feeling,so I ended up taking her to A&E. Things progressed fairly quickly after that.

We went from her making the decision to sell her small house. We’d got planning permission for, and she helped to design, an annex to be built in my garden. Really looking forward to her being really close, but also in her own place. To be told she had a rare and aggressive cancer - not operable, not treatable. Less than 3 months later she was gone.

She was basically a single mum, even when dad was around. And, from when I was a teen, she really was a single mum. My sibling and I were everything to her. When we went through her things we found letters that she’d written to us on various Mothers Days over the years. They were heartbreaking to find, but am hoping they’ll offer comfort further down the line.

for the last 25-odd years, I’ve hosted mum for Christmas. I just can’t quite believe that she won’t be here this year. Her birthday would have been a few days after Xmas, so that’s another blow.

To top it off, I had to have my beloved cat PTS on Friday. He was 15 and has been with me through so much. Letting him go was, rationally, the right decision. But I’m heartbroken that he’s gone, he was so special to me. And all I want to do is call my mum and tell her what’s happened. She loved him to bits, he was quite shy around people, but he loved my mum. I really hope she was there to meet him. Actually, I don’t believe in that, but I’m trying to so that it makes me feel better.

really no idea why I’m posting all this. I just feel broken and not sure how I’m going to get through all this. On the one hand, I’m feeling so sad that I’m soon going into a new year that neither of them will have been in. On the other hand, I just want this year to be over.

TLDR - I just want my mum back.

Your mum sounds amazing - I am not surprised you are missing her, she sounds like a wonderful person.
I am very sorry for your loss, it’s a hard time of year especially.

Thank you. The more I think about what she dealt with over the years, the more I feel a mixture of thanks and guilt as to what she handled, age and reflection is making me realise how she was incredibly resilient.

I'm so sorry. The firsts - first Christmas and so on - are often the worst.

My late husband always said that you don't truly understand what your parents mean to you until you lose them. I find that I'm still apologising to my mum in my head for not understanding more or doing more. Ditto for my dad and my husband. I think that that's normal.

Totally - I’m realising that I never fully understood how strong my mum was through everything. We used to talk loads, but I don’t think I realised, or got across, how amazing she was. Am feeling horribly guilty that I never conveyed those words to her, To clarify, she was always utmost in my thoughts re care, company, decisions etc. but I did not realise (or communicate) in words how strong I thought she was.

Yes. I understand completely.

I'm so sorry for your losses, you are having an awful time. As a previous poster said, the firsts are hard, particularly big events like Christmas. You have my sympathies. I lost my mum almost 2 years ago and we were close as you were. It gets easier but I still miss her every day.
I had counselling which helped enormously. Cry and talk about her if it helps.
Sending virtual hugs. Xxx

Aw, so sorry to hear about your lovely mum and your cat too. No wonder you are feeling so bereft - both were much loved and a part of your daily life.

I am very close to my mum and dread losing her now she’s frail and in her 80s. (I also have 2 fabulous cats so I know how much comfort and companionship they provide too!) I guess that pain of bereavement is the price we have to pay for having that love and warmth in our lives. A cliche, but it’s true, isn’t it! And a loss like yours is so painful at this time of year when the emphasis is on family and togetherness.

I’m sure your mum knew how much you loved and admired her, even if you didn’t put it in words. Please don’t feel bad about that.

Be kind to yourself and just take it one day at a time. Big hugs!

I couldn't read all the replies I'm sorry..
My beautiful almost perfect Mum died yesterday at 8.50am...
Just over 24 hrs ago...
I'm heartbroken and utterly exhausted.
I just want to say how very very sorry I am for your loss...
I have absolutely no advice for you as I can't think straight but I'm
sending you so much love 💕...

I'm so sorry to hear that @Marylou62, it must be so difficult for you.
Sending you love 💕

I'm so sorry OP for the loss of your mum and beloved cat. I lost my mum 22 years ago and still miss her. Lost my dad earlier this year and miss him too. Even as an adult of 40/50+ you still want those people who loved you unconditionally (if they were good parents) were always there for you. And the firsts are so so hard.

I apologised to my mum on her death bed at the age of 22 for being a pain in the arse as a teenager. A small part of me still rues losing that time with her when in reality I was just a normal kid.

I told my dad on his deathbed earlier this year, at the age of 44 how much we all loved him and again think I should've told him more, despite me having many more years with him than my mum. Guilt is normal but you must be kind to yourself. Your mum will have definitely known how much you loved her- you sound like a lovely daughter.

And I also know how much the death of a loved pet can hurt, don't under estimate that grief either. Again, you loved your kitty and did the very best thing for them.

I’m so sorry op. It’s my first Christmas without my mum too, I lost her last month. Take care of yourself, don’t feel the need to do stuff you don’t feel up to, and just get through it. I’m so sorry about your cat too, I know how that feels too. Hugs to you op.

I'm so sorry @Marylou62 .

I am so sorry for your losses. I have been there and nothing can make it better. If you have no more pets I would suggest getting a new cat or kitten sooner rather than later. It won't replace those you love but will give you love in your life and something to keep you busy over a hard time 💐

My sleep schedule is all over the shop at the moment, am going to take time now to read and reply.

Not in a bad way, but I didn’t expect many responses, so they’re much appreciated.

Thank you. And am so sorry that you’ve lost your mum too. I have started counselling, and I’m comfortable with them, but it’s on hold now until next year due to them needing surgery.

I hope you’re doing ok and have good people around you.

I think I completely glossed over your post yesterday and didn’t respond properly. I am so sorry for the loss of your parents and your husband.

I agree with you re “normal” re the internal apologies. I’m guessing that we know, realistically, that we’ve done right, but it never feels enough one they’re gone. You come across as insightful and strong, thank you so much for sharing your words (sorry, I’m not too good at explaining myself!)

Are you on your own at a Christmas @IJWMM or do you have a partner/children?

I’m sorry you miss your Mum x

I totally understand what you're saying. Sending hugs.

Thank you so much. I really hope that your mum’s health stays as stable as possible. I think it’s such a strange position to be in once you reach the age of needing to worry about your parents, rather than the other way round.

I love your description of your cats - although I’d also imagine that all cats around the world would state that all cats are fabulous, it goes without saying!

You are completely right regarding the price to pay for love. There’s a quote I saw some time ago along the lines of if love alone could have saved you then you’d have lived forever. It’s a bugger that our love can’t actually do that.

thank you again for such a lovely post.

I agree with all of this. When my husband died, a relative who had lost both a child and her husband told me "Grief is the price we pay for love."

Oh, I am so sorry about your mum. I don’t like hugs, but I want to send you a huge, comforting hug over the ether. All I can say for the first few days is try to be kind to yourself. Sleep when you can and eat when you can - doesn’t matter if it’s rubbish food, just whatever you can manage.

I hope you have some real life support around you, and please continue to post here if you need to let your feelings out. I kind of wish I’d started a post earlier in my journey.

Again, I am so sorry about your mum. Take care x

Thank you - you’re right, it’s the loss of that “unconditional” aspect that is really hard to get your head around.

Gosh, I’m so sorry that you lost your mum at such a young age - that’s heartbreaking. I don’t think there is anyone who was a perfect teenager - I’m sure she would not want you to apologise for finding your feet, your voice and sense of adventure.

Am sorry you’ve also lost your dad, again at a relatively young age for you. I starting to think that, for those left behind, we all wish/think we could have said more. But I also think that those who have gone would not want us to think that - they’d tell us that they knew they were loved.

And, yeah, the pets thing is hard. They’re members of the family and their affection is mostly unconditional - with the obvious clause of Dreamiest on tap!

Thank you, and I’m so sorry that you lost your mum so recently - it’s shit isn’t it. I hope that you have something in place to see you through the “festive” season. Take good care of yourself too, and do post on here if you need to talk at any point. From what I’ve seen, it’s an incredibly supportive board.