Writing a eulogy for our ‘difficult’ mother

[Seainasive]

Our mother had a difficult life, and her parenting ranged from the neglectful to the outright abusive over the years. We’re all grown up and have turned out OK mostly, but it’s hard to pretend it’s all water under the bridge.

Would it be acceptable to acknowledge some of this during the funeral? I would clear whatever I wrote with my siblings first.

That’s so tough op

my mother has been cruel and nasty to me my whole life and we are not on speaking terms which I feel awful over but I cannot go back and I m terrified of not making amends

Sorry in answer to your question - no I wouldn’t say anything at the funeral but you don’t have to write a heartfelt msg either

keep it factual (her hobbies and interests etc)

I also have a difficult mother but no, that's not appropriate information to be shared in a eulogy.

If there's nothing nice to say I'd consider just a basic "Name was born in ××× in 1949, married ×× and had 3 children. She will be remembered by them" type of thing or no eulogy at all.

I read a poem. Can try and find it if that would be helpful.

My cousin died and he put his family through hell for years - drugs, violence and prison. His older brother said: "John was a difficult man but he was my brother and I loved him."

I don't think a funeral is a time to list grievances but I'm sure mentioning that you had a difficult relationship, is fine.

Yes that’s exactly it

Mary was the third of four children born in Wigan (or whatever)

after school she worked as

she met our father … and had myself and my brother and sister

she was interested in gardening and xyz

may she rest in peace

Difficult isn’t it ….. if you’d only had “good” stories & memories, no-one especially you would have any qualms about sharing them. But to be honest, what will it achieve?

A purely factual eulogy will likely tell much of the story anyway …. The lack of nice memories or funny stories will be remembered. However, no reason you even need to do a eulogy at all. This might be the time where the big-standard, off the shelf funeral service suffices.

either way, go easy on yourself.

If there's nothing nice to say I'd consider just a basic "Name was born in ××× in 1949, married ×× and had 3 children.

This was more or less the approach that we went for at my father's funeral. Just very basic facts of public record about the family part of his life - padded out with references to aspects of his life that had no bearing on family. We didn't say anything at all that was critical or that displayed any 'issues' at all.

We had this dilemma when my abusive father died. We went down the route of no eulogy at the funeral.

My mum could be very difficult and hurtful. She was very good at alienating people and after she died I had quite a few people want to know what they'd done to upset and offend her. Nothing, I'd say. Mum could find offence in a spring flower. I mentioned mums trickiness in her eulogy and the fact that loving her was like loving a cactus. There was a wave of relieved laughter around the church. Then I concentrated on the things she loved and the things that made her human - so how much she loved my dad, her unwavering passion for Barry Manilow, her lifelong obsession with Cornwall, her commitment to being glamorous, her distain for my hair and all it needed was a good perm, her passion for aqua aerobics and her secret love of grisly crime novels. I finished off with a poem written by the educationist Margaret Meade, saying that it was my final act of rebellion cos she didn't approve one bit of my career as a teacher.

Well I don’t agree w others. If you have all managed ok, despite troubles, and had made sufficient peace w her, I think it’s fine to say ‘x had a tough life, and wasn’t always easy, but we all made it through together’

I attended a memorial for a man who was loved by many, but was also a complicated person who burnt a lot of bridges, especially towards the end of his life. Everyone who attended was encouraged to share some memories, and there were a lot that made us all laugh and cry. But his son, then in his early 30s, was the only one to acknowledge that alongside all the good times and crazy adventures, his dad really struggled, and suffered; his selfishness, and all the times he got it wrong. He encouraged us to remember him as a whole human, as we all are, and to celebrate and remember him for that. I was blown away by his honesty and generosity, and I'm in bits again now thinking of them both.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum, and I hope you find a way to express what you need to say.

Yes. I once heard 'He was a difficult man to live with. He will be even harder to live without' Which was absolutely perfect for the old terror who had passed away.

I'm sorry OP. I was you a year ago. I wrote the eulogy. I didn't say anything about the abuse. The things I didn't say spoke for themselves.

My mum had a shit life at certain points. In fact I didn't know things until my cousin told me at the wake. Things that quite frankly I'm not sure I could get past, which she didn't either. She could have stepped up. Stuck two fingers up and lived a better life. Just not sure it was the time for that. It was her funeral. Not my day. Its hard. Its not a time for closure whatever that is. She got the chance to redeem herself or apologise. That's her legacy.

But it isn't clear from the OP that they had made peace. Perhaps they turned out ok despite the parent. No one should have to be fundamentally dishonest about something so central. Silence and economy of words is a better option.

As a friend said, the eulogy is about the subject, not the speaker. Keeping it factual will speak volumes, but silently.

I would go with cuckoos approach.

Most people have a mix of qualities. Sometimes even their strengths can make life hard for other people.
Strong willed and determined are admirable qualities but a strong willed determined person can be hard to live with. It’s ok to admit that. Usually humour helps.

You know you don't have to have a eulogy? It's not mandatory. We did t have one for my mother, no special reason, my father and we kids just didn't see the need. A nice normal funeral service will do the job.

@shiningcuckoo - thank you, loving her is like loving a cactus is a great image!

We didn’t do a eulogy for my dad - he was a very difficult man who died in difficult circumstances and we really couldn’t say what we wanted to say. Instead we chose a poem about his love of the mountains and a reading about astronomy which was another of his great interests. The humanist spoke about his life rather than the person he was - it was a good send off for a man who didn’t make life very easy for himself or others.

I wouldn't normally suggest this, but it might be interesting to plug the basic facts into ChatGPT and see what it comes up with?

Sorry you're facing this situation.

My Grandmother was the same. I was tasked with her eulogy and took a similar path. Then read a poem.

If all the siblings feel the same reticence, do you have to have a funeral at all?

Very many choose direct cremation now and I just wondered if it would be an option?

You don't have to have a eulogy. My DH had a similarly difficult relationship with his father and was incredibly upset by the rosy-toned eulogy the rest of the family put together, he literally didn't recognise the man described and it left him feeling bewildered and gaslit.

Get the celebrant to just list out the facts, add a poem. I'm sorry for your loss too, in some ways bereavement after a difficult relationship is harder for those left behind...

Thanks yes I can just imagine how that would be, the rosy-toned eulogy. There are definitely positive things to be said, and I don’t think no eulogy would be the answer.

I really appreciate everyone’s thoughts though.