Writing a eulogy for our ‘difficult’ mother

[Seainasive]

Our mother had a difficult life, and her parenting ranged from the neglectful to the outright abusive over the years. We’re all grown up and have turned out OK mostly, but it’s hard to pretend it’s all water under the bridge.

Would it be acceptable to acknowledge some of this during the funeral? I would clear whatever I wrote with my siblings first.

One day at a time op 💐

I was you last year @Seainasive. Anyone who knows me knew what I went through with my Mother. My sibling was the golden child but had no clue about our mother’s life or what she liked/didn’t like. We are estranged. I provided a factual eulogy which was read. Despite wanting to say all the things that made her a terrible mother I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do so I went down a different route…To feel better about the situation I selected poems/readings I knew she’d dislike and music she absolutely hated. My sibling lapped it all up agreeing we’d chosen pieces with ‘special meaning’. Even better, aside from me, no one attending was any the wiser.

As a final act, I suggested to my sibling that the ashes of the dogs she’d kept on the mantelpiece were added into the coffin (she was being cremated) who astonishingly thought it was a brilliant idea. She’d have been furious about that too.

i Hope you are ok, it is a tricky time when a difficult parent passes. Especially if your relationship was not the hallmark card type. You sound like a thoughtful daughter and undoubtedly you’ll do the right thing for you. 💐

I agree. I didn’t have a good relationship with my dad, he wasn’t a good father, but he also wasn’t a terrible person. I talked about the fact we clashed but I also talked about some good times.

@Spagettifunctional would you want to make amends with a friend who treated you like that ? It's no different. Try t let go of the guilt you feel . Therapy has helped me so much

I am struggling with this one, though my very elderly mother is (just) alive. I often look back to the funeral of a friend, where it was said that she could be awkward and difficult. She facilitated my father's violence towards me and has always behaved coldly towards me. If my brothers want a conventional eulogy etc, they can just sort it all themselves.

Thank you Mrssunshine

We had this recently with my father. Celebrant came to work on service and we were completely stuck with nothing to say. After a bit of prompting we did think of some good stuff he had done with grandchildren / loved animals etc and we thought of some songs he loved. It came together eventually and was delivered tactfully as there were people there who had known him in different times and places when they did get the better side

You don't have to have a eulogy at all. Just a few prayers (if a religious service), or maybe a poem. Keep it simple and bland.

I took have been in this situation, and although I thought it would be inappropriate to mention her poor behavior I also didn't want to lie.

I kept it factual, mentioned how much she enjoyed baking, all the societies etc she was a member of...as well as saying that I was well aware how difficult she could be - and used that to then thank the care home staff for taking good care of her in spite of that.

Good luck with it. The chances are that everyone there will also know what she was like anyhow.

My siblings are the only other people with know how abusive our mother was during our childhood. She has mellowed since we became adults and we all maintain a relationship with her now but I am not close to her. To the outside world, she has always been a pillar of the community.
My sister will be very sad when the time comes. I suspect I will not be. I don't know about my brother. I think he will probably cope pretty well.

I will not, under any circumstances, be persuaded to stand up and give a eulogy for her. Which is awkward because there will be a church full of her friends expecting one. My sister isn't someone who can speak in public. I think my brother will probably do it for the sake of appearances. I believe I could read a poem or a passage.

I think the most important thing is to be true to yourself. I believe funerals are also for the living. They should bring comfort to those left behind. Don't feel bad for whatever you choose. It was a complicated relationship and death doesn't change that.