Lots of 'firsts' are coming up since mum died

[selly90]

My mum died in July. She was 70, I'm 35.
She had cancer and died within 6 months of diagnosis. She went from healthy and fit to a shell in such a short period of time.

There are so many milestones coming up that honestly I'm dreading. Her birthday, my son's birthday, my birthday, Christmas.
As silly as it sounds, even Halloween as my mum always loved the kids coming round trick or treating and would have sweets and make games like Apple bobbing.

My dad is struggling so much without her. I'm trying to support him where I can. I also have 2 young children and a DH. I'm an only child so no siblings.

I'm not sure what exactly the point of this is other than to write it down and wonder how can I get through these "firsts" and how do you ever get over losing your mum.
I'm not sure I'll ever come to terms with it. I miss her everyday. Sorry to everyone out there who has experienced loss.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. Same here, traumatic short illness - winter feels like something I’ll need to hunker down and get through. Maybe we can share some things that help, however small? I don’t know - it’s helpful to know we’re not alone. Grief is so lonely. Thinking of you x

My Mum also died in July 6 weeks after her cancer diagnosis.
I have found myself very sad the last 2 weeks and crying more.
i am dreading Christmas as I think it will be our last one as a big family and things will settle into different family units as my siblings have grandchildren now.
No suggestions from me, just hugs.

It's horrible. My Dad died this year and Christmas is like this looming beacon where his loss is going to hit me like a sledgehammer. Well, on top of all the other sledgehammer hits that is.

I suspect you will get through it all by being the strong one for your children and your Dad. Your Mum is always with you. She made you who you are.

Morning OP. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m coming up to the first anniversary of my mum’s passing, and have just had the second anniversary of Dad’s. The worst first was my son’s 21st birthday earlier this year, the first time there was no card from Nan and Grandad written in my mum’s looping cursive with rows of kisses. On his previous birthday, although Dad had already passed, mum still wrote the card from them both. I miss them both terribly all of the time but it’s those little things like the card that hit. Sorry OP, no advice, just empathy. Take care x

I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say except that it must be incredibly tough.

Hello just joining for moral support. Lost my lovely Mum at the weekend. It's my birthday next week and she said she already bought me a present so whatever it is I will cherish it dearly.

So sorry for your loss. My Mum passed in June but had been ill for 6.5 years.
The first 'first' that got me was a wedding anniversary card to me and my husband, just signed by my Dad - it seemed so sad to see just his name on there 😔
It will be my Mum's birthday soon, the first since she passed. My sister and I are going to spend the day with Dad and take a walk to the place where we scattered her ashes and just talk about her and hopefully have lots of happy memories to talk about.
Sending you lots of hugs OP

Joining for moral support too.
My Dad passed last month.
Coming up is my youngest 1st Birthday and my Dad always made the birthday cakes for the family - often crazily elaborate and then it will be his birthday and shortly after Christmas, which my Dad loved and went all out with.
Dreading it all.

It so hard OP. I am 17 months post bereavement and I am still working it all out. It’s like a waterfall.

My DM died last year, just over 3 weeks after being diagnosed with cancer. It was all so quick that there wasn’t time to prepare ourselves. We’ve now had the first anniversaries for her passing, Xmas, birthdays etc. It hasn’t got easier as yet but when I speak to my dad or sister we can speak about good times and memories. I am hoping that this continues and we can look back fondly without the overwhelming sadness.

I hope you can get to that place too but if you need to cry then just do it. I don’t think there is a manual for dealing with grief.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

When my dad died the first couple of years we made all of our 'firsts' completely different so we could cope. The first Christmas we went to a restaurant for lunch - something we've never ever done before.
His first birthday I took mum and the kids to the beach for a weekend away.

It reset us and made all those 'firsts' positive memories instead of just pure sadness.

So sorry to hear so many people are feeling the same way.
Sorry for everyone's losses.

It's so difficult. Those little things like just seeing 'love from dad' in a card rather than 'mum and dad' are hard.

Hey. My mum died at 69. I was 40. Firsts are hard. First day at school, secondary school, graduation, etc. Events she would have attended. They do get a little less sad. I just think how proud she’d be of my kids and it’s kind of bittersweet. Xx

It's hard OP. I think it even harder if u having to control ur grief and be strong for others. The loss is something we learn to live with rather than something to get over. I lost someone very dear to me nearly 3 years ago it is still very painful. Virtual hug

So sorry OP. I lost my Mum 5 weeks after diagnosis (many years ago now) - it's such a shock isn't it. I was 39 so a bit older than you but wow my first birthday was tough! And seeing the card that said 'from Dad' did absolutely break me. The firsts are always difficult but it is doable. Honestly. You have your two DCs who will lead you through all of this grief in the weeks and months to come. Give yourself time to grieve, let it in so you can let it out. Slowly you will remember your Mum and feel happy and not sad and photos will be a joy to reminisce about rather than a snapshot to avoid. I thought I'd never be truly happy again and couldn't bear to look at photos of me and my family before she died because of how sad I felt. That does pass. It's still very early days for you. Sending hugs x

I’m so sorry, my mother died suddenly when I was in my twenties and the firsts of everything were really painful. I don’t have much advice but I would say let yourself mark the “firsts” in any way that feels right for you - ie if you need to skip family traditions for now (or forever) that’s totally fine, try to give yourself as much room as possible (though of course it’s even harder when you have to support other family members). Wishing you strength ❤️

Im sorry for your loss And for the losses of everyone else on here. My dad died last Sunday and for me its more New Year that im dreading. Ive never liked NY and always found it depressing but this time entering a year that wont have my dad in it will feel like im leaving him behind and i cant bear the thought of that. 😥

Oh @JenniferBooth - I totally get this. The Hogmanay after I lost my beloved brother, my dh and I powered through a dvd boxset (years ago). I just did not want to know when the bells were.

So much heartache on this thread. Which means there is so much love.

Some of the “firsts” are unbearably hard,
and you feel you’re back to square one with the grieving process. My mum died three years ago and I’m still having firsts - ludicrous things like not watching the Olympics Opening Ceremony together.

When I’m feeling especially sad I light a candle, I feed the robins in the garden, and I just take a few minutes to let myself wallow in it. If you can wallow in it with your dad, that’s probably no bad thing for both of you. After my dad died, I definitely didn’t spend enough time just being sad with my mum. I was too quick to try and cheer her up.

I promise, some of these things do become less painful (some don’t, really, but you get used to it). The truth is you’ll never get over losing your mum. She’s irreplaceable and you will always wish you had her back. But because you know she would want you to live life to the full, and to be happy - that’s what you will strive to do and to be.

I'm so sorry @selly90 It is tough isn't it? The first Christmas is a struggle. Sorry you are going through this, and I hope you (and your dad) will be OK.

I am berating myself for silly things like not hugging her enough the last time I saw her. If I knew it would be the last time I would never have let go! I'm sure you all feel the same and feels good just to let it out here. Let's all wallow together please ❤️

So sorry for you. You’re quite young to lose your mum. Mine was the same age as yours but DC were finishing school. It’s almost 4 years for me now, this year is the first where I’ve felt a bit better. Not all the time but I can go a day not thinking about her much, whereas I cried every day for a very long time. I too dreaded all the firsts, but actually they were busy events and distracting and it’s the small things that got me and can still sting. I don’t think it gets easier as such but more that over time you get used to them not being around. It really helped me to connect with others grieving, who would listen and empathise.

Today I washed the jumper I was wearing the last time I saw my Dad was at home.
I’ve not been able to until today when I realised it’s just a jumper.
The next time I saw him he’d gone in to the hospice.
I don’t think I hugged him that last day at the house and didn’t afterwards at the hospice. I know I thanked him but at least my children hugged him.

It's horrible. My mum died 2 years ago last weekend and just 13 days before her birthday. I won't lie the 'firsts' are particularly awful but it does get better over time xx