Wonderful Mother Died. So Alone & Truly Terrified of Being Adult Orphan. Don't Think I Will Cope.

[FeelingVFrightened]

I don't think I am coping with any of this & am really frightened of my future life.

My lovely mother died, we had a great relationship and were very close. I had 'complicated grief' because I was plunged straight into caring for my father who has dementia. I know this is not an unusual situation but it affected my grieving. I had good and extensive grief counselling which helped a bit.

My Dad is very elderly but still able to express love for me. I have no siblings and no close friends. Many disappeared when I stopped socialising because of caring but my best friend of 20 years died of cancer in the middle of all this so I had no true close friends anyway. I've been single for years.

I had thought I was coping OK but recently I've just been absolutely overwhelmed with fear - fear seems a bit of a mild word really - terror is more like it. Terror and an engulfment of bleakness at my future.

Once my Dad dies that will be it for me. I will be all alone. No one to share anything with. No one who cares for me. No one who is really pleased to see me in the way parents who love you are.

I've googled alot about coping with adult orphan status and have read alot about it but nothing gives me any comfort or hope.

I feel like I will have no one or no life purpose. It may sound childish but I used to love succeeding at work or anything because it made my parents proud of me. I've achieved a great deal tbh but now have lost interest because it was never for me.

I feel that it's only my Dad and the need to look after him that is keeping me going. Without him I'm fairly sure I will feel what's the point. Sure I could "do" a lot of stuff - go traveling more, spoil myself, etc but it would be just for the sake of filling time. There is nothing for me as I have no one without him.

I know this is all my own fault. I have made the life I have made and while my parents were here it was a great life but only because I had them to love and they loved me.

I don't know why I'm posting here -maybe to see if anyone feels the same.

I am really sorry you are suffering so much. You sound like you're in such pain.

I don't think what you're feeling sounds childish at all. I am also not convinced it's fair to say it's your fault. At some point if we live a long life we all outlive our most precious people.

Losing your parents can feel like losing your scaffolding. I found it disorientating and confusing and frightening. I very much relate to your description of losing the people who truly love you and are interested in you in a way nobody else can be. I have felt terror about being alone and I felt like that terror was unsurvivable in the moment. (But I'm still here and typing on MN.)

You've had a severely difficult time and despair/hopelessness is a natural response. So is the despondency or "what's the point" feelings. It's a protective response from your brain to try and shield you from what's happening.

This next bit might sound crap and inadequate but bear with me. Our bodies can only sustain intense emotions and feelings for limited periods of time. So it might feel like endless terror or despair or pain, but usually if you can tune into it you'll notice that it is actually fluctuating waves rather than continuous. Maybe very big overwhelming waves, but usually with a smaller wave in between or a pause where you feel numb.

Like when you cry and then afterwards might feel a bit numb or calm - the emotions peak, some stress is released and then the emotions subside for a little bit (and then maybe you cry some more after a pause).

So when the terror feels all consuming sometimes it can help to remind yourself that it will peak and then subside for a little bit and just focus on comforting yourself in the moment and waiting it out.

When you had grief counselling did you explore how you can carry your connection to your parents with you after they die? I'm wondering if that might be something that would help you feel this was even a tiny bit more bearable.

You are the person you are because of your parents' love for you. In that respect you'll always have them with you and always have their love in your life.

I feel the same. My mother died a few months ago and now I am taking care of my dad. It’s always been my fear, when they are gone, what is the point of life? I have felt this for many years. Now I have a young daughter and I hoped that this would make a difference to the idea of losing my parents, but it doesn’t much. I am worried how low my mental health will be when my dad’s time come. I have no one. No husband, partner, siblings are useless and wrapped up with their own families and problems.

I will try to cope by taking one step at a time, trying to plan something nice like a holiday every now and then, finding more hobbies to absorb me. That sort of thing. But everyday feels like walking through treacle.

keep going 💪🏾

Sending hugs from another member of the Lost Mothers club🤗

I'm shite at making new friends

@FeelingVFrightened I am you, seven months on. You're not alone, because I feel as you do, and so do many other people. I know this will just feel like words now, but please try and remember this.
@magneticpeasant, I think that's one of the most compassionate and helpful messages I've ever read on Mumsnet. Thank you.
Love to everyone on this thread who is longing for their mother or father to come back to them.

@FeelingVFrightened not sure if you have heard of Carers UK or if there are any support groups near you.

One thing I do is I'm a phone friend to a lady who I talk to and just unload. And she gets to have company.

Best wishes

"I feel like I will have no one or no life purpose. It may sound childish but I used to love succeeding at work or anything because it made my parents proud of me. I've achieved a great deal tbh but now have lost interest because it was never for me."

@FeelingVFrightened the above paragraph really resonated with me.

I understand how you feel.

I don't really have any advice, other than to say that I think how you feel is very normal, common and understandable.

Be kind to yourself, look after yourself, and I'm sure others will have more tangible advice.

I completely understand, and it’s not childish or strange. I have a dh and kids so I’m not totally alone, but I have found it very hard to cope with being an “adult orphan”.

It is three years since my mum died, my dad died ten years earlier before my kids were born. The pain of losing my mum is still very sharp. I don’t think of her all the time any more, but I think of her every single day. I miss her company so keenly, it almost physically hurts sometimes. She has been gone from my life for such a long time now, but I still imagine the chats we’d have. I carry her love with me, and I try to love the life she would want me to lead.

i don’t want to be too bleak about it but you definitely will feel the loss and I think you are right to consider what you will do to make sure you’re ok.

I remember my mum saying to me, after we found out she had a terminal condition, that she worried whether I’d be okay when she was gone (dh is not a very warm or loving person).. I remember I promised her that I would, and that when I missed her the most I would do things to remind me of all the fun we had together, and all the love we shared.

I do wish you very well with your dad, and I suggest you stick around on MN . There are people here who may very well become friends, if you hang around.

@FeelingVFrightened I totally understand how you are feeling. I too am an only child. I have a partner but no children or other family.

Please feel free to message me if you wish. I'd be very happy to talk.

Hi OP - I am so so sorry you are going through this. I can really feel the pain and fear in your post. I am in a similar situation and would be very happy to chat if you like.

I will soon lose my mum, my best friend in the world, to cancer. And while my dad does not have dementia like yours, he is quite elderly and we have a strained relationship as he isn’t resilient enough to handle my (anticipatory) grief. (My parents are divorced.) I have no other family, no close friends, no partner or children, etc - so I have the same feelings of terror and not being able to cope. I feel like I’m standing on the edge of an abyss, staring into the endless darkness coming my way when mum dies.

sending you hugs. The world has been so brutally unfair to us. 🫂💔

Hi all,

Has anyone here heard of grief cafés.

They're spaces (sometimes virtual) where people get together to remember Thier loved ones. It includes anticipatory grief.

This is like one here, in a way

I am so sorry @FeelingVFrightened

It is really tough to lose your Mum, I lost mine last year and am also an only child with no children. I have one uncle who is 95 and my husband and no other relatives. Arranging my Mum's funeral was the first time I wished I had a sibling to share the decisions.

You will cope and it will get easier but it takes time, sort of two steps forward and one back.

Feel free to PM me if you think I can help in any way💐

@Lalgarh I too am an only child with no children and I share your fears. You are extremely welcome to message me if you wish.

I'm so sorry to hear of your pain and fear OP. There is a long-running thread on MN to support those who have lost parents. It may bring you comfort also:

@FeelingVFrightened Apologies, I meant to tag you too. You are also very welcome to message me and chat if you wish.