Mum .. after my dad died.

[vodkacat]

My dad died in January. My mum lives opposite me. She is fit and well. I see her every day, but I work full time and have a son who is 17.
my mum waits for me each day after work as she is lonely. I encourage her to do other things( she does do other stuff ) but not a lot. Today she got really upset with me, which is not normal as she said I am always having a go at her. ( I don’t always agree with the things she says) I just say that. Ie racist comments.
she then started crying saying how unhappy and what would fix this is living with me. I explained this is not an option. But ultimately I don’t want this. My brother has offered her this but she doesn’t want to live with him. She said she would just move away if I want her to. I don’t want this.
I feel so sorry for her, but also feel overwhelmed with it all being on me. By brother lived away and doesn’t really get engaged with her.

would appreciate any advice or anyone is in this situation.

Would you be able to advise her to think about meeting someone new?
what age is she?

My mum went through something similar after my dad died during the pandemic. We bought a lockdown puppy to provide a daily focus, we also encouraged to join new friendship.groups.

It's been a few years and my mum is now largely ok, she still gets lonely particularly in the evenings and during winter, but I am not her entire focus and she has a good group of people around her due to the efforts we all put in.

Jeez, the woman was only widowed in January, 7-8 months ago!

It's really early days for her, best thing she can do is occupy herself with friends, walks etc

I lost my Dad in May OP and I can see my mum really starting to struggle now. In the beginning everyone rallies round but people start to drop away more (understandably) now. I see her twice a week but she hates any days that she doesn't see anyone - which is only a couple of times per week but it gets her really down. It'll be worse when the clocks go back, I'm dreading it.

Everything we suggest is just met with excuses, it's very difficult.

I think that would be her idea of hell.

Thank you really good to hear examples of things getting better.

The is the issue she only really wants to be doing things with me, she’s not interested in anything else. Hopefully this will get better.

Sorry to hear your un a similar situation. It is so hard as there doesn’t seem to be answer except maybe time.

Does she have friends. Or anyone else who is a widow?

I really feel for you @vodkacat. Not only do you have the grief of losing your DF but you have to deal with the demands of your family and your DM.

I've found that answering things like "I'm lonely" with what have you got planned for this week helps.

My DM obviously isn't that keen on me not leaping forward to solve her problems but I think you need to be clear that it's not all in you to fix things for her.

My situation might be slightly different though as my DM was a neglectful, sometimes violent M.

How old is she?

Would she consider moving to a retirement village where she has her own flat but there are activities if she want to do something?

Has she had any grief counselling too @vodkacat?

Are there any local clubs she could join eg A lunch club, craft club, book club, a choir, a walking group, church?

my mum is never in, she’s always out and about. She just jumps on the bus and goes out for days too, meeting friends that she’s made through these clubs.

its difficult at first but it’s just the beginning of making new friendships.

I wonder if grief counselling help. Cruse offer bereavement counselling she might find helpful.

I suggest your local Age UK who might have things to do in the local area. Card games, walks, chair yoga, coffee mornings etc You can sometimes get volunteers who call or come over for a chat.

If she goes to church, there may be events or groups she can join. Your local Facebook might also have things she can attend.

Just what I was thinking!

i do push to see her plans. And often suggest things and give ideas.

I have suggested retirement villages but she said no to that. Everything’s a no generally.

I feel I need to try to take a little step back and not be quite so available. We do live very close though so not so easy!
i am going on holiday this week which is a much needed break.

Could you look into the women's institute with her. Maybe accompany her the first couple of times. She needs to get joining some social groups. As she only lives opposite I really don't know why she is focussed on moving in with you. Maybe have a night a week you do spend with her for dinner or a trip for a meal out. Maybe a dog to walk too would help.

no. She doesn’t talk about feelings very often. I could not imagine her ever doing this!

I have suggested all these things. But she is not interested. But I hope in time she will.

shes not really one for feelings being open so it’s quite hard to know where her heads at.

We actually started WI together years ago. Maybe she would try again. Will try this.

It's not good that you have to hide your grievances at all although I do understand why you have.

Have you had any grief counselling too? I found it very useful after losing my DF.

Does your DM know that you are going on Holiday? It might be worth talking to your DB and coming to an arrangement where he steps up to cover any emergencies when you're on holiday and vice versa.

I can understand your DM not wanting to try new things but that won't help her to try and create a new life for herself.

Has she got any DFriends who gave list their Husbands? She might find talking to them useful.

Folk can get very needy when a partner dies after a long term relationship. You shouldn't be guilt tripped into anything. She needs to make a social life for herself. And join a few clubs or take up a hobby. You can't be a substitute for her husband. I agree with a once a week nice evening out.

I wish your mum could meet my mum OP, they sound so similar!

@vodkacat are there any grief support groups around?? Lost my mum nearly two years ago and my dad has made some lovely friends at the bereavement group. Its not all safe, they have tea and cake, quiz nights and days out x good luck x

If she continues I would tell her that it's very selfish to demand your time and not be open to anything else. You must live your own life, you work and have a son and she had to understand that as she'll push you away more by being demanding.

I'd also tell her that she'll be very lonely if she makes racist comments and similar, people don't want to listen to that crap.