Mum .. after my dad died.

[vodkacat]

My dad died in January. My mum lives opposite me. She is fit and well. I see her every day, but I work full time and have a son who is 17.
my mum waits for me each day after work as she is lonely. I encourage her to do other things( she does do other stuff ) but not a lot. Today she got really upset with me, which is not normal as she said I am always having a go at her. ( I don’t always agree with the things she says) I just say that. Ie racist comments.
she then started crying saying how unhappy and what would fix this is living with me. I explained this is not an option. But ultimately I don’t want this. My brother has offered her this but she doesn’t want to live with him. She said she would just move away if I want her to. I don’t want this.
I feel so sorry for her, but also feel overwhelmed with it all being on me. By brother lived away and doesn’t really get engaged with her.

would appreciate any advice or anyone is in this situation.

There is actually one not far. A friend who is a counsellor mentioned it I haven’t spoke to her about it but can’t hurt to try.

@vodkacat maybe suggest popping in for a cuppa so she doesn't worry about going?? Everyone grieves at a different rate x sending hugs 🫂 💐 🙏 ❤️

I will try. I think it would help to see how others deal with things. She has a family member who had a similar loss but had refused to talk to her about it. Sometimes strangers are easier.

Totally agree with all of your points.

Has she had any grief counselling OP? It may help.

Have you got a local organisation that co-ordinates all the volunteering opportunities in your area. Do the research for her initially and show her a few options that you think would suit her. My DMiL found a local church coffee morning that needed help once a week and met many of her future friends there.

Agree with this too. Volunteering, even if it's just one morning a week will add a sense of purpose.

Oh my Goodness.

You think it's really stat simple to move on just like that? Some people can't be replaced.

And this year's award for empathy goes to.....

"Folk can get very needly when a partner dies after a long term relationship". No shi*t Sherlock.

Yep, after decades with someone god forbid that you show feelings of grief and bewilderment about how your life has changed when you lose your partner of decades.

I work for a local authority, adult learning department, I help people choose classes and I find a lot of recently and not so recently bereaved people come to us for the social aspect. Maybe find your local areas adult learning. It will have free creative classes such as sewing, floristry, cooking, arts and mindfulness.

Also, we get a lot of
Referrals from social prescribers, again for people struggling with social isolation for many reasons. Perhaps your mums GP surgery have this service, to assist her in finding support to live her own life

I think WI is a good shout. I’m in a ladies walking group and we have a few bereaved ladies and many go to the WI too. It seems a great way of getting out and meeting new people. I think your mum is very lucky she lives opposite you, many are miles away (my mum is 250 miles away so when my dad died I couldn’t be there all the time as I had DC and a job). She needs to understand you need time for yourself / your own family too. Maybe popping in for a cuppa after work would be good as you’re there and can leave when you need to rather than her coming over. She needs to help herself as it’s not fair to saddle you with entertaining her all the time.

As others have said maybe grief counselling will help.

Or try to encourage her to join groups, ie WI, inner wheel, u3a, your local library may do courses or have groups, look at notices in supermarkets for groups, or search Facebook etc, age Uk will have walking groups + other activities. Church, community halls etc. will maybe have groups for the older generation and widows, not aimed at finding new relationships but friendship/companship.

She will probably say no but encourage her and say you have your own life to lead and can't be there all the time. Just go a few times, it will take time. What did her and her dad do together or what's her interests?

Is there any hobbies she enjoys at home? It's about filling her time and finding a new way to live. It will take time and take it at her pace.

It takes time. It is almost two years since we lost Mum, they had been married for 60 years. He does socialise with friends but needed something more than meeting for lunch. I encouraged walking groups (something he used to love with Mum), local residents lunches and other social groups, he was not interested. 3 weeks ago he was encouraged to a singing group by some mutual friends (he cannot sing) and is absolutely loving it and is even taking part in a public performance in a few weeks. It is a singing group, not a choir and he is so excited. Give your Mum some time, encourage her to get out and about if she is willing, pass on some information about local groups, hobby groups, local resident lunches etc and let her find her own way. 8 months is not very long in the grand scheme of things if she had been with your Dad for a very long time.

No. She’s never really had friends to be honest. Any they had were both of there’s and none local.

I’m reading that she’s lonely/bereaved, not some desperado that needs to replace op’s Dad! He was not died this year.

I lost my husband in March and I have found that the most useful thing has been that I joined the Jolly Dollies. They are a nationwide organisation for widows. We meet for coffee, lunch etc and you can join in as much or as little as you like. Being with other women who understand is so helpful and having something to look forward to is good. How old is your Mum?

thank you. My condolences for your loss. mum is 69 and physically healthy in general. Will look that up and see if there is anything local to us.

It's so hard isn't it when they say no to everything and all the pressure is on you, at a time when you have your own busy life, family, work, friends and everything else. But they need to make their own social life if they're lonely. This is why friends are important and not just isolating yourself with your husband/wife all your life.

At 69 your Mum is too young to think of moving in with anyone else. They say you should wait at least 2 years before making any big decisions. I am sure that after two years she won’t be anywhere close to being over her grief, but she may be able to cope with it better.

Absolutely she is too young, it be different if she physically needed it.
ultimately she cannot live her, as it would not work for anyone.
i keep just encouraging her to keep busy and hopefully and some point she will decide that is what she wants.

Totally agree. I think different generations perhaps didn’t make friends as much.
i do have my own life and have a child who needs me, who I struggle to have time for.

I think if she's saying no to lots of things, won't speak to the family member who is in a similar position, isn't interested in meeting new people or moving to a Retirement Complex it might be time to start to accept that this is how she is for now, which I know can be hard, especially when they are putting the pressure on you

That’s a fair point. I guess I can only manage my own reactions.

As well as the Jolly Dollies there are other widow/widower support groups one is Way Up (an offshoot of WAY widowed and young) for the over 50s. This is their website https://way-up.co.uk/ . I joined after my husband died and made some nice friends (I've let it lapse since because I'm still working full time). Your mum could get involved as much or as little as she wanted to.