How do I move on from this tragedy. Respectfully.

[shouldistayorno]

To cut a very long story short, I had an affair, unknowingly for a long time. We’re talking years.
I found out and exposed the person (not instantly- because of the way life was at the time) and they took their own life.
It’s been over a year, I’m in pieces still, mostly riddled with guilt of their family unit and how my actions have led to this result.

Whilst I know logically that there is a more complex scenario with this situation, the crux of it is that an innocent family will never be the same ever again and will have to endure the pain.
How do you ever process something like this?

I’m passing the days just in some sort of mode / auto pilot, but I’m not even giving 20% to life right now.

The guilt is eating at me. The pain is eating at me. The unsaid things and the what ifs, the shouldn’t have/ wish I never did are just drowning out the current days.

It feels so invalid when their family is going through so much. But the suffering in silence has just been horrendous. I know a lot of people will feel I don’t deserve to be hurting or Grieving, but it’s been the most heartbreaking, sickening, painful, humbling
and vulnerable position I’ve ever been in and would not wish it on my worst enemies.

the sleepless nights seem to be never ending, physical sickness, constant rumination and just dread. I’m under 40 and can’t ever imagine my life having any joy ever again. I guess I know I won’t get answers, but this situation isn’t exactly something I can find any relatable content to online and I’m too ashamed to talk with my family.

the sleepless nights seem to be never ending, physical sickness, constant rumination and just dread

This sounds like CPTSD to me. I went through some major trauma a few years ago and I felt similarly. I was trying to rewrite things in my head that couldn't be undone. My brain wouldn't accept that there wasn't a do over and I kept going over and over what I should have done or said. Or just plain getting angry and upset about it when all I wanted was to stop thinking about it. Is that what's happening with you?

It might be something you need to speak to your GP about, if you haven't already. I don't know how you feel about that. (Personally, I didn't get any help but maybe I should have. Eventually I started feeling better but it took a while - maybe two years before it wasn't keeping me awake regularly.)

Please don't feel ashamed. What happened wasn't your fault. Life can be cruel and senseless sometimes. It can be difficult to accept it's not in our control, but really it isn't.

I haven’t been through a comparable situation. But I did go through something traumatic that made me look at life differently.

What I decided to do, after a period of very low functioning, was be a “better version of me”.

By this I mean: be kinder, more tolerant, more patient.

I started volunteering. I started quiet pursuits that were peaceful - audiobooks, gardening, nature walks. I learnt new skills and expanded my cookery ability massively. I learnt how to do a lot of diy that in the past I would have outsourced. With new pursuits came new friends.

All of these things I began whilst still feeling very fragile and very low. Those feelings never totally leave you frankly. Well, maybe they do for some. They haven’t for me! But overall I am now content.

It wasn’t your fault. This person reacted in a very extreme and unexpected way to a tale as old as time. But it is perfectly understandable that you feel as you do and speaks to your strong character.

You’ve had a very bleak reminder of how precious life is. Use positive acts to rebalance the scales and soothe away your guilt.

I agree please do not be ashamed. You are not to blame. You did what was right at the time and cannot be held responsible for the outcome. Only the person who decided to end their life rather than face up.to it is ultimately responsible.
I think a year is nothing in terms of grief, and extremely complex grief at that . I think counseling would be a v good way to talk.it all through and try to make sense if it all. It will take time of course but hopefully in time you will be able to find some positivity again . Wishing you the v best of luck x

excellent advice !

I'm so sorry this happened to you, it really wasn't your fault at all

Have you had any counselling to help you work through this? I would totally recommend.

Bereavement by suicide is a very unique kind of trauma. I would suggest seeking some specialist support via your local suicide bereavement service to help you through this.

Why do you feel so guilty when he hid his life from you? Do you feel you could or should have realised that he had a family, because honestly, the strength of your feelings of guilt is disproportionate to the reality of your situation.

Ultimately, everything that has happened in terms of the destruction of his family has been HIS choice. In exposing him, you were trying to do the right thing.

Have you had contact with his family and would that be an option to help you process your feelings? If not, just write what you'd like to say and don't send them.

He controlled you in your relationship and is still controlling you in death; do you deserve this? No, you don't.

I agree with the advice above, especially about counselling and bereavement by suicide charities.

But I just wanted to say your feelings are valid. Your grief is valid. You loved someone who deceived you, and they died by suicide. That is incredibly painful and complex. You deserve understanding and support. It is to your credit that you have such compassion on the family left behind but you also deserve compassion.

You are not responsible for someone else’s actions.

I think this situation is so complex op, that you would hugely benefit from going to see a licensed psychologist. Even half a dozen sessions would help. Just to be able to talk to someone neutral and non-judgmental would help you enormously I think 💐

Agree with PP. I think you need to speak with a professional of some sort that can help you navigate this. It's a very heavy situation to try and deal with yourself or even with friends

I have to go to work now after about 1hr sleep; and I’ve cried since reading the first two posts so I will meed
to Read these later to Be able to get through the morning without falling apart. i just wanted to say thank you for being so kind - the responses I’ve read have really helped me feel a bit of warmth.
also I have been in touch with some of the family - all I’ll say is gracious and more understanding than I could ever have imagined. No one knows the full truth though and I’m painted a certain way (obviously) but I need to accept that I cannot change that and cannot take back my actions.

thank you again and I will read through later. X

You need therapy and help learning to forgive yourself. Unfortunately, you have learnt in the most horrendous way, that if you expose people to try and make yourself feel better, you don’t know how they will react. You thought you were getting one up on him and would be victorious by exposing him to the world and he just couldn't cope. Ultimately though, that was his decision and you are not to blame.

OP please look into some sort of counselling. My partner took his own life nearly 3 years ago. The circumstances were totally different than yours, however I know the toll it has had, and still is having, on me. This is with me being able to verbalise how I feel so goodness knows how u r managing having to be silent. Prioritise u and reach out. Take care

Im guessing you’ve not had any sort of closure to his death, by not attending the funeral. That’s still going to be really raw for you.

How soon after you exposed him did it happen? It might not have been fully connected. Not that it’s your fault

I think this is more of a sweeping generalisation regarding “to make me feel better”. I understand where the assumption came from; it was more of a “I can’t take this any more now that I’m pregnant and have to deal with the consequences and your whole relationship with me has been a lie and a manipulation”.
i do get it though- the assumption is I wanted to cause huge pain, but I just didn’t want to feel the pain myself any more and thought that his wife deserved to know that he was putting her health at risk by sleeping with multiple women as well as me.
It was very complex; a lot came out in the final week and much more after his death.

You’re right there was no closure - but I felt I have no right to expect that and yes was not allowed at the funeral understandably.
Thanks for the kind words but sadly it was almost instantly. I wasn’t the only one he was confronted about but it was the same day without going into any more detail as it may expose the family. Theres no denying it was a reaction to that, which I think is where the overwhelming guilt comes in. It was never my intention, I believe in informed consent, but I will forever regret what I did because of his reaction to it and the consequences to his family and friends

I think the wife always deserves to know in these situations, hugely unfair to just state that OP was trying to make herself feel better or 'get one up'.

All you can give yourself is time OP, it will get better.

Agree with this.
There is a sense here that you feel your grief is immoral, that only his family should be allowed to grieve, and that their pain is your fault.
It is clear that you are a deep thinking and principled person OP. You really have done nothing wrong. Someone deceived you, and he deceived his family, and perhaps you will never now have the answers you need as to why. That in itself can be hugely painful, without the terrible shock and guilt that comes with the suicide of someone you are close to. Suicide is very, very hard to process. As pp said a year is nothing. Grief is an ongoing thing, it becomes part of you and gradually you learn to live with it more easily.
Forgive yourself, really forgive yourself as you are not to blame.

I disagree completely. The vast majority of the time the wife stays with the cheating husband anyway so this idea of exposing him is a complete waste of time. It’s better just to just move on with your life.

I've never been in your situation but if you had no idea of this family for years then in your reality you have lost your boyfriend to suicide. Yes it turns out there was another family who also lost their husband/father too, but you have every right to grieve and feel your loss.
It was also, not your fault. You did the right thing exposing it, and you would have had absolutely no idea it would lead to the action it did. He's not the first man to have an affair, nor will he be the last, and the vast majority do not commit suicide.

I definitely think you need counselling, from someone specialised in suicide grief. And it's okay to own up to him being your boyfriend that you lost, because to you - he was.

Also I have just read that you were pregnant ? I’d not seen that post. You haven’t said what happened with your pregnancy but this adds another layer onto such a complex and agonising situation. I’m so sorry OP, this is a huge amount to process in only a year, the man you were involved with clearly had something unknown going on with him to be having so many affairs. Suicide never has just one cause, it is always multi faceted. Perhaps he was by nature a very impulsive person who struggled with control and was using infidelity as a way to dampen deeper unhappiness. Over time you will hopefully be able to make peace with this, with all the things you didn’t know, and will come to see that absolutely none of this was your fault.

You couldn't have known how telling them would pan out.

I say that as someone with suicide in my close family.

Additionally you said you were pregnant- that's an added complexity.

I honestly think the best thing you can do - in time - is grieve and try to move on with your life. Although the pain will feel all consuming, it will lessen in time.

I was told and it saved my sanity. I don't want to derail but I just didn't think it fair to attribute negative intent to the OP when we can't know that.

I hope you can get some counselling OP as suggested, this must have been so traumatic for you.

The man was a liar and a cheat. HE made the choice to lie and to build a double life. HE alone made the choice of suicide. He was terrified of being exposed but it was the natural consequences of his own actions, NOT the consequences of your actions.

You were a victim of his actions not the other way around. His family are the victims of his actions, not yours.

please get some support and help

OP you didn't do anything wrong, fwiw I think you were right to tell his family and you can't have known how he would react. I do think you would benefit from some professional support, this is an awful lot to process on your own