How do I move on from this tragedy. Respectfully.

[shouldistayorno]

To cut a very long story short, I had an affair, unknowingly for a long time. We’re talking years.
I found out and exposed the person (not instantly- because of the way life was at the time) and they took their own life.
It’s been over a year, I’m in pieces still, mostly riddled with guilt of their family unit and how my actions have led to this result.

Whilst I know logically that there is a more complex scenario with this situation, the crux of it is that an innocent family will never be the same ever again and will have to endure the pain.
How do you ever process something like this?

I’m passing the days just in some sort of mode / auto pilot, but I’m not even giving 20% to life right now.

The guilt is eating at me. The pain is eating at me. The unsaid things and the what ifs, the shouldn’t have/ wish I never did are just drowning out the current days.

It feels so invalid when their family is going through so much. But the suffering in silence has just been horrendous. I know a lot of people will feel I don’t deserve to be hurting or Grieving, but it’s been the most heartbreaking, sickening, painful, humbling
and vulnerable position I’ve ever been in and would not wish it on my worst enemies.

the sleepless nights seem to be never ending, physical sickness, constant rumination and just dread. I’m under 40 and can’t ever imagine my life having any joy ever again. I guess I know I won’t get answers, but this situation isn’t exactly something I can find any relatable content to online and I’m too ashamed to talk with my family.

If you have an Employee Assistance Program at work, you can get counselling there.

It’s completely and utterly not your fault. He was obviously a very unhappy man and looking for highs for a long time. He was on this path with or without you. I’m so sorry for your loss x

Please get counselling, it will bring everything out and put air into it. It’s not as heavy then.

I'm sorry you have had to go through this.

It is Not your fault. I know that's easier for me to say than you to feel, but you are not responsible for how someone else manages their emotions or chooses to act.

I echo the other posted in that getting some professional support may be useful. Not only are you dealing with a bereavement but all the other added complications.

Please focus on yourself and looking after you.

What a horrible thing to say. OP is not to blame for the outcome in any way (yes thats what you did in your passive aggressive way, dont deny it). She is as much a victim as his other family.

Read the thread - let me get it straight...

You thought you were in a normal relationship.
You were pregnant.
You found out that he was cheating to be with you - cheating on an existing wife and children - and then found out that there were more people he was cheating on?
Or found out he had a family - told them - he took his life - then more came out.

As someone said above, you seem a very principled person. It must have been a huge shock and a massive blow.

Hash it out with a pro, that's what I'd do. There is such a lot to go through - your relationship, the loss of that, finding out the lies, finding out about the wife and family - then what he did - then finding out more lies from him. The whole thing was a lie really. But see how many people are involved - yes you may be the bad guy, but you weren't the only woman he went with were you. And you didn't know - that is key - you did not know. You believed in him.

I think a good therapist will go through all the angles with you. It will be so helpful. You won't be able to change facts but you can come to understand them a bit more and start to rebuild your life again. I am so sorry you got caught up in this.

there were added complexities of wider friend groups being lied to and it was too much for me to continue with - an exposee as such wasn’t the end goal. Being free of the manipulation and constant contact.
he even paid for a private investigator to get my address after I cut contact with him.
There are a lot of things not mentioned and it’s difficult to know what I should and shouldn’t say. This is part of the difficult grief processing and management comes from.
Im angry; and I was previously angry, and maybe in part I wanted to transfer some of that anger to him initially, but the idea that he would be devastated wasn’t really what was making the decision for me.

the idea was not that he would “pick me”. I did not want it. I wanted to be free of him and I felt scared and in danger; emotionally and physically.

Thank you; yes the bullet points are almost right.

although I suspected something was off, cut contact for a while (years) then stupidly picked back up with the false promises.

Found out about his partner and children, and found out I was pregnant. I had a miscarriage at around 11 weeks but I had considered a termination when I found out due to the complexity of the situation which haunts me now too.
The grief is doubled; what was, what could have been, will never be for him and his family, and what will never be for me. It feels exponential.

professional help sounds like the best route but I’ve been on the waiting lists for over a year now and can’t afford private, so I’ve just bottled every thing up and hoped it would go away and sadly it isn’t.

as the “other woman” I’ve had no right to anything, no closure, no inquest information, nothing but what ifs and why this situation.

and yes - post suicide, huge huge huge info found and discussed in depth. Many many many people affected, some of which may even be here so I have to be respectful of that. I really should t have even posted but the lack of sleep is just exasperating and I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

I'm glad you did post, you didn't do anything wrong.

Have you considered journaling?? Its free, you can do it anywhere. I used books for years but now I use my Mac. I was abused as a child and going over it really helped me set it to rest.

I wrote a self help book after years in the industry and I gave headings for survivors to write under, such as 'what I lost'

Why don't you do that??
How we met and the early years.
Why I went back and what was going on for me that i allowed it.
How i found out and that whole period.
Letter to his family.
Letters to him.
Letters to your baby.

I know it's hard, are you crying even reading?? Crying will clean you out. Send all the feelings into space and then there will be room for new.

I'm sorry xxx you will be ok xxxx

Journalling is a very good idea while you are waiting for therapy. Another way in is 'I wish you had....' and 'I wish you hadn't....'. Just start writing in response to those questions and keep going, it is hard at first but can be very freeing.

Talk to the Samaritans if you can@shouldistayorno.
They are not just there for the suicidal although they will ask you if you are so don't be offended. They don't offer counselling or solutions, but they will just listen and sometimes that's what you need. Just to talk to someone without judgement may help you to process your thoughts a bit better while you wait for professional counselling to become available.

I'm so glad you've posted if this thread makes you feel a little less alone. How awful for you, to go through all this is bad enough, but to do so alone is so unfair. You are a victim of his deception and lies. It is not your fault.

That sounds incredibly hard. Losing a baby on top of all this must be devastating. It's no wonder you're having trouble sleeping at night.

I don't want to bring up all my trauma on your thread, but it might be helpful. I lost my father to suicide. I was thinking about it this morning because of this topic. It could well be similar circumstances. I know it was triggered by his third marriage ending (my mum was his second wife). We even had a mysterious attractive woman crying at the back of his funeral. So possibly that had something to do with it.

In his case though, he had a lot of other problems and I know he'd thought about suicide in the past. It might have been the marriage ending that triggered it, but there was something in him already that made him choose that option. It certainly wasn't anyone else's responsibility to make sure he lived a charmed life of no consequences in case he committed suicide.

Also, I'm honestly ok about what happened and so are his other children. Obviously we're sad about it, but it was a long time ago now. I don't often think about it.

So please, if my opinion means anything, don't beat yourself up. You might have been unwittingly part of a catalyst but you're absolutely not responsible.

If you need someone to talk to tonight, I'm usually up late with insomnia. So I should be around to reply if you need to post some more late night thoughts.

really good suggestions by PPs

not sure of your faith & no need to say on thread but despite having rejected brands of religion after being abused as a child/teen amazingly I found significant support and solace from them as an adult following abuse

I say this bc I had v complex emotions and feared the man, who I had loved, would end his life if I told anyone what he was doing to me bc of specific experiences of childhood that we both had had, of abuse and suicide

there are small groups across the country called Beginning Experience (I think! I have shut out a lot of memories of the worst times)

they help those with complex grief go through the stages, it’s a peer support thing, the one I went to was RC but other denominations or similar groups non-faith based might exist

Grief complicated by different factors is magnified because the complications isolate us from finding solace in the expected way

Journalling, therapy, Samaritans, faith - whatever you can manage, do, because it might take all of it in different ways to wash away the unwarranted debris of guilt, to erode the seemingly unmovable feelings of ‘what could have been’, and to leave calmer, clearer waters - still grief filled, but that can be navigated and will recede at least a little over time

that’s point I’ve reached after a number of years, said not to scare you, but so you don’t feel rushed by others, complex grief requires the clearing before the grieving so it inevitably takes longer

you have reached out, that’s a good sign in itself, I hope you can find some rl support too

How long ago did this happen OP?

I think it was very harsh of PP to say OP did it to make herself feel better, if she'd asked on here if she should tell, very many would have said of course and if she was expecting his baby, even more so.

It sounds like he was living a very complex life and I doubt his final decision was all because of what you disclosed OP. Living a secret life/pretending to be something you're not is very stressful.

You did nothing wrong. None of this was your fault. Please do seek therapy, you deserve to feel at peace.

Op, it really sounds like you didn't “do” any of this. He did it. And he chose to commit suicide because of what he did. What exactly do you think you’ve done wrong? It sounds like he tricked you.

Clearly he was an emotionally unstable and entirely dysfunctional person to be living multiple lives like that. The suicide was surely more an expression of his bizarre personality type than simply a reaction to being found out. I mean, I understand that being found out may have been a catalyst, but the indirect cause of his suicide (all his issues which probably were brewing for decades) must have been the bigger factor. Loads of people go through much worse than being caught out as a cheat without that sort of reaction.

Please don't make the mistake of thinking that because you feel guilty that means you are guilty. Guilt isn't always rational and is sometimes an expression of a sense of responsibility and care towards a person, it doesn't have to mean more than that.

Thank you for your thoughtful comments, and I’m sorry about your dad.
you really struck something when you said that it wasn’t everyone else’s responsibility to ensure he had no consequences that could risk suicide.

this has been a big thing for me - in that the “consequences” were feeling he had for his own actions and how exposing that made him feel? The thought of people knowing what he had been doing was just all too much - but it was fine to manipulate me and many others at the time for prolonged periods of time. There was such a short time between when he was confronted and when he did it, which just made it even harder.
ive been so angry at some points,
because the pain I felt when I found out and he couldn’t even last an hour with the consequences of his own actions?!? Never mind the pain since.

I really appreciate what you said - it gave me a new perspective, thank you x

Your last sentence resonated a lot, in relation to feeling guilty not equaling being guilty but also the responsibility and loyalty I “broke” by telling anyone.

the shame and disgusted feelings I felt towards myself and knowing how anyone would react if I told them I was just “the other woman”. I was part of a very complex lie for years and was none the wiser; and then on exposure of that; I lost tbe one person who caused me so much pain but also was the one I would always run to and rely on to support me emotionally.

It’s been a slog so far - I’m going through the motions but I’m hoping to get in a better sleep routine as that’s the bare minimum I owe to myself. I need to look after myself better as I don’t deserve to waste more years of my life this way.

Oh sweetheart - you are so hard on yourself. You’ve have some great advice here. You did nothing wrong. You lost someone too. I’m thinking of you tonight and hope you’re ok.

Agree with PP, you lost someone too. And it was a double loss, first the betrayal and then the death. On top of that the unwarranted guilt you feel has not let you properly grieve. Losing someone to a suicide is a different kind of trauma, which I have experienced so please do seek some professional advice. Also, while I believe people do have their legitimate reasons for ending their lives, in this situation this person was truly a selfish coward who did not want to face the consequences of their actions and you cannot be responsible for that. This is just such a terrible situation that I almost can't comprehend it myself. It was cruel. I hope you will heal in time.