Attending funeral etiquette question

[Wigeon]

One of my oldest school friend's dad has recently died (in his late 70s, after being very unwell for some time). I'm not sure whether it would be appropriate to go to the funeral, as although I obviously saw him fairly regularly when I was growing up, I haven't seen him or my friend's mum for many many years now. But I am in regular touch with my very good friend and am obviously sad for her that her dad has died.

The funeral is likely to be about an hour away from where I live, so not hugely difficult to get to (but not just round the corner). I could fairly easily take a day of annual leave.

Is it weird to go to the funeral? I don't want my friend or mum to think it's inappropriate since I didn't know her dad well and haven't seen him for a long time. Or do people go to this kind of funeral on the basis that you are showing support for the relative who you know?

Not weird at all. It's about showing your respect for him and his family.

I've gone to the funerals of a few friends parents. Completely normal. And I hope it provided a bit of comfort and support to my friends.

You did know him. I would go, or at least say to friend 'I have fond memories of your dad, would it be ok if I came to his funeral or are you keeping it more intimate?'

Not at all weird. A number of my friends came to my Dad's funeral, some hadn't seen him for years, one had never met him. Some of my colleagues came too, again had never met him, but they came for me

Go, I bet your friend will be glad to see you.

Funerals are really for the ones left behind, so go, show your respects and reminisce about old times.

Definitely go if you can. Some of my friends from my youth came to the funerals for both my parents. I was so touched they made the effort and it was especially lovely to hear their own memories of my mum and dad.

Not at all weird, FIL died recently and a few of our friends who hadn't seen him for 20+ years came, we were very grateful to everybody who attended.

Personally I'd ask the friend if they'd like me there. I'd make it clear I wanted to attend but only if they said so. Even if it's 'l'd love to come along and pay my respects, is that OK with you?' nothing too heavy. I'm sure most people would be delighted you'd want to come.
Some funerals are more private affairs though, so I'd say it's polite to ask.

Go. Nobody ever says 'there were too many people at the funeral'.

I went to the funeral of a close school friend's mum. I hadn't seen the friend much over recent decades as we live at opposite ends of the country but we were very close growing up so I was in and out of her mum's house. She seemed glad that old friends had made the effort.

Ah, thank you so much for replies, really helpful.

I'll definitely check with my friend beforehand and not just rock up - I think it's likely to be fairly open to all and not just close family - when she put on Facebook that he had died she put that funeral details would follow. Although she kindly told me and a small group of school friends via WhatsApp before the Facebook notice, as we all knew he was ill and getting worse in recent weeks.

You are in regular contact… it would be kind and caring. Go as a sign of respect.

An old school friend of mine came to my dad’s funeral and I was so grateful she did. Gave me someone to have a “lighter” chat with when I needed it.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to pay your respect. Those who do funerals feel comfort when there's a good turn out I think.

Yes I think you should go. It's pretty usual to attend the funeral of your friends parents.

I agree that a funeral is about the living and supporting those left behind.

If you do write on a card/send flowers etc, I'd add a little about who you are.
Kind regards Widgeon (Sarah's friend school from Weybridge) etc

When my dad died, mum got cards from everywhere. 20yrs on- she has no clue who some of them were.
Bob and family, The Richardsons etc. No return address and no clue whether they were work colleagues or what.

That's a nice way of thinking about it @FKAT. Also good to hear from others who have been to friends' parents' funerals and that being totally normal /indeed welcomed by the bereaved family. This is actually the first good friend whose parent has died - we're starting to be the age where parents are getting ill sadly.

I do for close friends and they have later said how much they appreciated it.
I have some regrets about not going to some friends' parents funerals when I was younger and hadn't realised how appreciated it was.

I think it's good to turn up for the service - shows respect and appreciation. Same for old friends, even if you haven't seen them much recently. Perhaps wait to be invited to the wake?

It was great that old friends of mine attended my mothers funeral. Why would it be inappropriate?
I just went to the funeral of a friend's mum. I'd never even met her. But my friend asked me to go and I was happy to support her.

I don't think it's weird at all to want to support your friend and pay tribute to the memory of her dad in this way. However if you're worried maybe ask her if it'd be OK for you to attend.

I’ve been to a number of my friends parents funerals. They’re always pleased to see me and it just feels right to go. Tbh, I’d just go.

Thanks very much all - the friend and I are in fairly regular contact and we see each other with and without our families, and I definitely know her well enough to ask if ok to attend the funeral and wake. I'm sure the invitation is likely to be clear as well (eg "everyone welcome" or "close family only") etc. Hopefully her mum will appreciate it too - feel I saw more of her when we were growing up and she definitely knows who I am.

Not weird at all. You’re there for your friend at a time they have lost a parent. When my DM died, my childhood friend and her mum were in the back of the church. It meant so much to me that they felt my loss was important enough to show up for me.

Also funerals don’t have invitations usually. Anyone can go.