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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Attending funeral etiquette question

40 replies

Wigeon · 20/08/2024 12:25

One of my oldest school friend's dad has recently died (in his late 70s, after being very unwell for some time). I'm not sure whether it would be appropriate to go to the funeral, as although I obviously saw him fairly regularly when I was growing up, I haven't seen him or my friend's mum for many many years now. But I am in regular touch with my very good friend and am obviously sad for her that her dad has died.

The funeral is likely to be about an hour away from where I live, so not hugely difficult to get to (but not just round the corner). I could fairly easily take a day of annual leave.

Is it weird to go to the funeral? I don't want my friend or mum to think it's inappropriate since I didn't know her dad well and haven't seen him for a long time. Or do people go to this kind of funeral on the basis that you are showing support for the relative who you know?

OP posts:

Timeforaglassofwine · 21/08/2024 07:38

I think you should go, too. People are always heartened to see "a good turnout" at a funeral, because it speaks well of the deceased and their family. I would wait for an invitation to the wake though.

Turophilic · 21/08/2024 07:40

Funerals are open, public events. No one needs an invitation or permission to attend them. It’s a sign of respect and unless there are exceptional circumstances, all are welcome.

StartupRepair · 21/08/2024 07:41

A few of my old friends attended my parents ' funerals. Both times my heart just lifted as I saw them arrive. I hope you can go to this one.

NancyJoan · 21/08/2024 07:41

I am at the age where a lot of friends are losing parents, and have been to several funerals in the last two years, often when I have never met the deceased. When my mum dies, I will really want my friends there.

Simplelobsterhat · 21/08/2024 07:53

I went to my school best friends dad's funeral, and there were several friends of his children there, and a couple of the friends parents. I think there were at the last funeral I went to as well. I've even met friends of son in law or grandchildren of the deceased at other funerals. We sat near the back so not intruding , taking seats from closer mourners, and my friend said it helped her to see people who were there 'for her'.

I think (apart from COVID) anyone is usually welcome, but I would ask for funeral details (if you don't hear any on Facebook etc after a few days) and judge from the wording whether to go to the whole thing or not Eg if there is a separate church and crematorium sometimes they say family only at the crematorium bit. And I'd only go for refreshments after if it is clear all are welcome or you are asked to (and try and be useful if it's in the house or catered by the family).

BIWI · 21/08/2024 08:16

Usually the family will put something in the order of service about where the wake is, if it's an open invitation. And the vicar/priest/celebrant invites people at the end of the service.

anyolddinosaur · 21/08/2024 08:38

Attending the funeral would be a nice gesture. Only go to the refreshments after if invited.

SheilaFentiman · 21/08/2024 08:42

I gave details for both when I sent the invites for my dad’s funeral: it’s helpful to know rough numbers for the wake to order enough sandwiches.

midlifeattheoasis · 21/08/2024 13:05

Go. An ex-boyfriend came to my fathers funeral. We'd been split up for over 20 years but I was incredibly touched

Original poster

Wigeon · 21/08/2024 17:54

Thanks for further replies. I'm sure they'll be very clear about who is invited to the wake (organised kind of family!) - I think probably it will be an open invite but obviously won't just rock up to that if not invited!

Really good to hear it's not weird to go to the funeral of someone you didn't particularly know, if you know their family member. Thanks again all.

OP posts:

Piscesmumma1978 · 22/08/2024 19:01

I really appreciated my friends being at my dad’s funeral. It meant a lot to me x

fluffiphlox · 27/08/2024 09:34

Entirely normal.

Original poster

Wigeon · 27/08/2024 13:36

Just to update: funeral & wake details now available, checked with friend that it was ok if I came, she seemed very happy that I wanted to, so I'll be going along. Thanks for all the advice.

OP posts:

noemail · 27/08/2024 13:40

I think you're exactly the kind of person needed at funerals, someone who knew and respected the deceased, is sad at their passing but not devastated and wailing iyswim. You can make yourself useful by taking some of the hosting away, even if it's just by circulating and making sure conversation flows.

I'd call friend, let her know you plan to be there, is there anything you can do to help either on the day or in the lead up.

EmeraldDreams73 · 27/08/2024 13:42

Definitely go. Your friend and her mum will appreciate it and nobody will think it remotely odd. I spent my 50th birthday last year at a close friend's mum's funeral. Her dad had specifically asked for me to be there, then my friend booked it on my 50th! There were alternative dates, she just wasn't thinking straight and said sorry, you don't have to come. Her Dad had specifically asked for me to be there, so I went. Sadly we're getting to that stage too, although I've actually lost more friends than friends' parents which seems particularly horrible. Hope it goes well, OP.

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