My ex died. It's weird and very, very sad. Can anyone relate?

[holehearted]

My thoughts and feeling are all over the place.
We have a child together. He was quite young still and it's come as a huge shock.
I'd never had the scenarios in my head about when an ex dies. Parents, yes. Siblings, yes. But an ex with who I have a child, no.

I'm feeling sad and angry and trying to support our child who never knew their dad because my ex wasn't interested. That's thrown up a lot of anger and feelings that are difficult to name.
The funeral is soon and I'll be glad to get it over with in one way because it feels like our summer holiday has been under this big cloud of grief that I feel weird even feeling. I still feel it's not even real, that he's not dead. Then it hits me like a tidal wave. Denial has been strong and so has anger. Not much sadness lately. It happened in July and he lived quite far away but he was always someone I loved and had known for a very long time. For all we didn't talk and I felt he hated me for having our child I feel like a big part of my life has gone. There's no chance now of a relationship between him and our child. That's why I'm angry. That he let our child grow up without him for 10 years then just died and deprived our child of ever knowing him or that side of the family.

Can anyone relate to these feelings? I feel very alone in all this and as though I shouldn't even have such strong feelings. My focus is on dc but in quiet moments like this I allow myself to think about myself and how I'm feeling. I'm not even sure I should be doing that. It's too weird to even explain but I hope this makes some sense.

@holehearted 💐
It's fine to feel your feelings & let them out, maybe take it a bit at a time though as it sounds pretty damn heavy to say the least! Would writing things down help at all?
I recently lost a close relative from whom I was estranged. I have quite a mix of feelings. I realise that I'd held onto a belief that one day I would get the chance to properly talk to them. Mostly I'm relieved they wont be able to cause me any problems now, but there is a LOT to process!
Personaly I think examining your feelings is an important & helpful thing to do.

I’m sorry for your loss

Are their grandparents on ex’s side? Could they be involved in DC’s life

@BlackShuck3 I'm sorry for the loss of your relative Thank you for your post. I think I always thought that one day he would see dc and be a dad. Or one day we'd talk and he'd see he'd been an utter bastard. I feel relief too because he can't ever interfere with dc's life but then I'm angry that dc will never know their dad. We will never have answers now for why he didn't appear to care, why he never acknowledged a single birthday, never asked for a photo or anything. I tried so hard.

Im sorry for you both. I had a complicated bereavement recently and it’s so hard to make sense of.

Do you have to go to the funeral? Would it help or make things worse? I didn’t go to the funeral because the whole concept of this person had become abstract and I don’t want to deal with them in front of me but in a coffin when it had been so long. I didn’t want to witness other peoples very straightforward grief for someone who had treated me & my children very badly.
It was a difficult decision but I don’t regret it.

I’m really sorry for your son. He deserved a present father.

Posted too soon. I tried so hard and bent over backwards to try and facilitate contact. I got nothing in return.

@crumblingschools thank you. There are grandparents, aunties and uncles and cousins. I didn't even know if they knew about dc but they do. They live quite far away and I don't know if they will be involved in dc's life at all. I doubt it after a decade of knowing. I don't know what my ex told them though.

I'm not sleeping well but it might be hormonal, I don't know. Im perimenopausal and it might be the dreaded insomnia. I'm not able to fall asleep for hours, usually around 3am on average and then I sleep like the, ahem, well, dead😬 Luckily its the holidays for a few more weeks and it doesn't matter if we sleep late.

I'm so sorry for your loss
Last year I was contacted to say my ex had died. We didn't have children, but he was my 1st love and we dated for 4yrs. We had both married others, but keep in contact from time to time.
Its a grieving process and will take time. Thinking about the what ifs and what would have been etc. Do you have any support yourself? Friends/family?

Maybe in time you could try contacting the grandparents and other relatives with a letter, saying you'd like your child to have some contact and get to know them. Write a letter to your ex, explaining your feelings. You don't need to send it anywhere, but getting your feelings down on paper can have a cleansing affect too. x

How you are feeling is very normal and understandable. I'm sorry you and your child are going through this. Sending you a big hug x

Thank you. We are going to the funeral and dc will meet their extended family there. There are adult siblings who have been in touch since the death. They are being amazing to both dc and me. They live hours away but are being so welcoming to us both. I'm nervous about meeting the extended family at the funeral but the siblings are mind blowingly protective of dc and me so it will be ok. Well, as ok as a funeral can ever be.
It's all those unanswered questions. The massive WHY?! Our child is fucking amazing and an absolute joy and ex missed out on all that but our dc missed out more.
I never wanted to get back together and it was me who ended the relationship. I don't grieve the relationship at all. That was over a long time ago and was long distance anyway but we'd been together on and off for 30 odd years. Mainly off but remained friends.
Ugh. What a head fuck this is.

@JC03745 I'm sorry to hear of your loss. A first love is a whole other level. My ex was only my second love and often a now love.

I'd have a think about what's best for DC here.

On one hand attending the funeral is closure, on the other they never knew dad, and being thrown into a funeral for a man you never met, seeing all these grieving strangers going on about how amazing he was and how sad they are he's gone, knowing he never wanted you, may be very hard for them. If they're going to the funeral it may be best to meet earlier at least in some way.

There may be some resentment all this "family" miraculously wants something to do with them now he's gone.

@ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen originally I was wary and gave dc the choice. I was always going to go. The siblings have been amazing and have included dc in all the planning and they have 'met' on video calls and chatted away freely and happily. Dc has been welcomed with open arms as have I. I do know the siblings anyway from when with their dad but a long time has passed. When speaking to them it's like no time at all. The eldest sibling certainly doesn't think their dad was wonderful. Dc is excited to meet the siblings despite the circumstances and they are making a lot of effort to help come to terms with the death of their dad. If I had any doubts dc would not go.

My ex died several years ago. The children and other relatives all came together. I did not go to funeral as his partner disliked me. But we all met up for my sons birthday and had a good night.(apart from said partner)
I'm still in touch with them all and have a nice relationship with them .
I'm saying this as as bad as things are there can be a positive outcome in the darkest of times.
I did feel angry towards ex but dead is dead and I saw there was no point.

Hi OP, sorry you're in this situation. Mine is slightly different, but throwing up mixed emotions nonetheless.

My husband died a few weeks ago. We'd been together 40 years and married for 34. It wasn't a happy marriage as he was emotionally and financially abusive and cared more about his hobbies than me or our two lovely children.

In 2021 I left him and my two DC, then aged 21 and 23 came with me. He'd been nasty to them too and they used to ask me when I would leave. Best year of my life when we were apart. Just over a year later he got a diagnosis of terminal cancer. There was no one else to look after him so me and the DC ended up moving back. I was his carer until he died.

We weren't reconciled as such, but he was much nicer to me. I had conflicted feelings of not wanting to be there, but feeling a duty to look after him.

Since he died everyone has been harping on about what a lovely man he was, a true gentleman, a family man etc. I can't reconcile these comments to the man I had to live with. He obviously saved all his abusive ways for me and the kids, which hurts a lot. I can't wait for the funeral to be over so that I can close that chapter and move on with my life.

It's a strange one losing an ex, all your shared memories are no longer shared, you're the only one who has memory of it now. Can make it feel like it might as well not have happened and you know you'll never be able to talk over memories. But it doesn't sound like since you had your DC there have been shared memories or at least no happy ones.
A bit different with my ex, he stayed in touch, though at a distance so not frequent visits. He never missed a birthday because he saw them as important. Traveled up to watch a few of DS's football matches. I encouraged visits as I thought my son knowing him warts and all is better than a gap of knowledge.
Its sad for your son that his Dad was blatantly disinterested. That was on him and he was probably his own worst enemy and has payed the ultimate price.
I get the unrealness of death happening, when you don't see them usually much anyway, it is like it hasn't happened. That does make it take longer to process it. But it takes as long as it takes, maybe even years for the dust to settle. Your son has nothing to miss of him bit may still benefit from counselling over having an absent father. It's a lot for a young lad to process.

You're going to have a lot of different types of grief and anger to process. Don't mix them up.
Be angry at him for being a rubbish dad.
Be full of grief for your child. But some of that grief should have already been there and may bubble up and really sting now.

Do the best for your child, as you always have.

Oh wow. I'll reply properly later because I'm too tired tonight yet wide awake thinking and upset. Dc has been especially sad today and has needed lots of extra hugs and to be next to me. I've had a good cry tonight. I don't cry often in life but I've cried a few years of tears these last few weeks.
My memories are 99% happy ones of him and our time together. He was far from perfect and I'm not looking back with rose tinted glasses; it was a happy time. He made me feel beautiful which sounds silly but he really did. He was romantic in many ways that no one else ever was. I'm sad I will never speak to him again, never feel one of his big hugs, never anything.

Dc will never have the chance for anything but has my memories to learn about their dad. The siblings will hopefully share a lot too. He was a rubbish dad and not just to my child. His friends have been gushing about him but he appears to have developed a persona that belied the real him. I'm not saying he was a bad person because he wasn't but he wasn't a great dad or husband to his wife when he was married or to me once I knew I was pregnant. There's no overlap there btw, many years between us seeing each other and he'd married and divorced in the years when we'd lost contact.
My feelings are very complex around this. The man and friend I loved over the many years, the boyfriend I adored and could t wait to visit on the weekends, literally counting down the hours until I saw him. Then the cold, distant man who wanted nothing to do with me after I got pregnant and more importantly wanted nothing to do with our child. He paid maintenance begrudgingly and I've been glad that dc hasn't been exposed to the extreme bitterness and negativity that emerged after I ended the relationship. I haven't had to share dc and have made all the parenting decisions and enjoyed being a mum. I've missed having him there to share dc's achievements and special occasions. Not one birthday card ever.
There are so many questions that dc and I have that we will never have answered and that's the hardest part for us both. We are both angry he died, angry he didn't want to be a dad, angry he didn't even keep in touch, angry it was too much effort to visit. He showed no interest at all. I wonder if either of us will ever forgive that. But here I am planning a trip to attend his funeral and meet the family so that dc can meet their family and stand with their siblings in unity against this utter shit that's been beside upon them. Ex was still so young and should have had at least 30 odd years left. Life is so unfair and death even more so.

My X died in June. We were together 7 years ( over 20 years ago) but it felt weird when he died. It was a very sudden death- a motorcycle accident. I didn't attend the funeral. Not sure why but it felt like I wasn't allowed to grieve really. We broke up because he didn't want children. It has been a strange month.

Hi, I feel like I can totally relate - my ex husband died suddenly last year and relatively young - we had children (now adult) but like you, he had no relationship with them (from when they were about 9). I have/had no feelings for him at all - he was such a disappointment and his lack of care and interest in our children killed any love I ever had for him and I didn’t even hate him. No love, no hate, just nothing. However when I heard the news, I instantly burst into tears - I felt so sad for them that they would never be able to have that conversation with him, no chance of closure etc. You kind of always assume they’ll be there and so I figured there would be decades for the children to get some kind of understanding as to why they had been abandoned/rejected/forgotten by him. I think it would’ve been good for them to have had that conversation.
But I also know that people don’t often behave in the way that you would - there’s a good chance if they’d ever seen him again, his explanation probably would’ve also been disappointing - so they’ve been spared that at least. But it’s a very difficult situation to find yourself in, particularly when it’s out of the blue. My children went to his funeral, and I supported that fully, I was glad they had each other on the day as not only did they have to deal with their own feelings, but also had to be with his whole family (Who also took no interest in them after the divorce). It was a tough day, but I was so proud of how united and dignified they were - and they also got to meet some half siblings which was something positive to come from the day I suppose.
Your situation is a little different as your son is still a child but my advice is to do what we’ve always done - listen, don’t bad mouth the ex and be as honest as you can without causing any more hurt. It throws up a lot of complicated feelings for the children left behind and all you can do is your best. I feel for you, it’s shit. You just want to protect your children from all of it, it’s really bloody unfair for them. And it’s ok to feel sad about that.

So sorry. Can relate. My ex passed away a few years ago. Suddenly. Adult children, but understandably very upset. Just before Xmas. I was sad for my DC and DGC, but also very angry with him because that meant that I would never get any answers concerning his very nasty controlling attitude. Mind you he would never have given any anyway. But it's the finality of the situation. I was sad, even cried at his funeral. But bitter and angry at the same time. He ruined another Xmas, one of his specialities. Ruining birthdays and Xmases, because he was not the star of the moment. Well he was the star at his funeral.
My bitterness has passed. I just live life as much as possible and enjoy the family moments knowing that he's missing SO much. Also enjoy the fact that he can't spoil any special occasions anymore by turning up drunk or in a vile mood.
Time heals. Take care.

My condolences.

I totally can relate. My ex-husband died suddenly last year. It’s overwhelming and brought up so many emotions. Our children were minors. It’s more painful than I’d even expect it to be.

I’ve been angry too. Very angry. Mixed with being sad. It’s just awful.

Does he have a will? My children inherited all his properties, including his house. And because they were minors, I had to handle the inheritance. It’s been so very tough. Luckily I have a great partner who supported me.

If you want to talk, just PM me.

@Nowstrong Yes! Never getting any answers made me very angry.

Some people can get nasty too: ‘Are you still upset about your ex dying? He was your ex!’ Get lost!

@ThaTrìCaitAgam yes, I got that too. Yes, he was an ex, but he was also the father of my children, and their kiddies' granddad. You can't wipe out 30 odd years of being married, even after a divorce, off the slate like that. Well I couldn't. Was a sad, mad time. Glad it's over. Time heals even the anger. Best wishes to the OP.

@2Old2Tango you are an amazing woman to have done that. I wouldn't do that for my exH if he fell it.
@Swishthroughthelonggrass I agree that any explanation would have been crap. Some waffle about living too far away, not having any money etc. it wasn't too far for me to visit twice a month when together and I've since found out that he had the latest tech relating to his hobby, I always paid for everything when I visited too. Dc knows from me that I sacrifice my own wants to provide for them and my other dc. I'm no martyr but I believe that they come first.

There is no will. He's left a right mess for his adult dc to sort.

I suppose there's some comfort to be taken from the fact your ex was a rubbish father to all his children, not just yours together, so your son didn't actually miss out on anything, apart from knowing him of course, but no special dad/son memories because there wouldn't have been any even if they had known each other.

Sorry for your loss

I'm not doing too great as the funeral date gets closer. Dc is holding it together well but has moments of sadness. The siblings are being great and that's dc's focus which is great. I don't know how the day will pan out and how dc will cope but probably better than me! It's suddenly become very real and I can't believe he's dead. I just can't get my head round it and wish I had had a better relationship with him after we split and that he'd been some sort of father. I wonder if he hated me. I don't think so but I've often wondered about it. He was so angry with me for having dc and not an abortion. He was worried about having to pay maintenance and said it would cripple him financially. It didn't. He still had his luxuries. He didn't have anybody else after me and that feels weird. I'd have thought he'd be out seeing at least one woman for no strings sex. The siblings have found mementos of our time together. I keep wondering why I'm so upset seeing as we'd been split for 10 years but I'd know him since I was a teenager and we have a child together. He'd always been there for me over those years despite our sporadic contact and for all his faults he wasn't a bad man, just broken. Yes, he was a shit dad, there's no denying that but when we were together he was my world.

I had a very good cry last night and feel better this morning. Dc is feeling under the weather today and I expect it's because the funeral will soon be here. The funeral reception is being held at ex's house and that will be very weird to be back there after a decade. He lives hours away in somewhere I've never been back to. Seeing the friends we had when together and the family I knew will be possibly awkward. I don't understand why the family didn't get in touch over the years. There's grandparents and aunts and cousins that my dc has never had any contact with. It makes me wonder what my ex told them. The whole thing is just a head mash and I'm feeling anxious about it all.