My ex died. It's weird and very, very sad. Can anyone relate?

[holehearted]

My thoughts and feeling are all over the place.
We have a child together. He was quite young still and it's come as a huge shock.
I'd never had the scenarios in my head about when an ex dies. Parents, yes. Siblings, yes. But an ex with who I have a child, no.

I'm feeling sad and angry and trying to support our child who never knew their dad because my ex wasn't interested. That's thrown up a lot of anger and feelings that are difficult to name.
The funeral is soon and I'll be glad to get it over with in one way because it feels like our summer holiday has been under this big cloud of grief that I feel weird even feeling. I still feel it's not even real, that he's not dead. Then it hits me like a tidal wave. Denial has been strong and so has anger. Not much sadness lately. It happened in July and he lived quite far away but he was always someone I loved and had known for a very long time. For all we didn't talk and I felt he hated me for having our child I feel like a big part of my life has gone. There's no chance now of a relationship between him and our child. That's why I'm angry. That he let our child grow up without him for 10 years then just died and deprived our child of ever knowing him or that side of the family.

Can anyone relate to these feelings? I feel very alone in all this and as though I shouldn't even have such strong feelings. My focus is on dc but in quiet moments like this I allow myself to think about myself and how I'm feeling. I'm not even sure I should be doing that. It's too weird to even explain but I hope this makes some sense.

I'm not sure going to the funeral is a good idea ?
Unfortunately he didn't step up to be a Dad and neither did his family , including the siblings who now seem so keen. Why didn't they reach out ?

Make sure your child gets any money due to them.
You obviously wont get any more maintenance, it sounds harsh but its looking after your child.

My ex died some years back. Unlike with your ex, she had a significant, if sporadic, influence on my and our children's lives even after we split up.

I can't deny that the funeral was hard but my children wanted to be there and I saw it as my role to support them. I think it was the right decision. I know my ex had told various lies to members of her family about me but there wasn't any drama on the day. There were also people there who I hadn't seen for years which was comforting.

I took advantage of my work EAP to get some counselling sessions. It was a weird type of grief; a fair amount of anger but also a feeling of dislocation. Through the years of her alcoholism I'd constantly been in a state of having to be constantly ready to deal with whatever crisis/drama she might cause next. But all that ended with her and I found myself in a place I was completely unfamiliar with. It was odd, but the counselling definitely helped. I had friends and family I could talk to but there was so much history with them having an independent person to just sit and listen was invaluable.

my ex and father to our children died last year after a years illness. i was fortunate, my ex and i were very good friends, infact i classed him as a best friend and i helped with his end of life care along with his children (both young adults).

his family knew that we were still good friends, and we got on well, but the funeral was difficult. i didn't go for him, i went for my children. lots of his friends were confused by my being their, some just ignored me, i made sure that i blended into the background but kept my eyes on my girls.

my ex left behind a wife, my girls were by her side supporting her, but they knew i was there if they needed me. as soon as the funeral was over, and i knew they were ok i left to say my goodbyes privately.

even now, even though he was my ex, and after all the many things he did, i still miss him and get sad because he wasn't just my ex, he was my friend and the father to my children.

Your DC needs you, in public be strong, but in private allow yourself to grieve

I hope you and your DC get through the funeral as best you can, and the coming weeks and months. It's a pity his family never kept in touch all these years - let's hope those relationships can be re-kindled. On a purely practical note, as a PP has mentioned, try and ensure that you child is not left out of any inheritance that may be due.

I understand when you talk about mixed emotions - my ex husband died unexpectedly a few weeks ago. Divorced for 21 years and married for 25, so I've known him for for nearly 48 years. We were on reasonable terms over the years, as much as you can be with an ex husband, but I always felt he would have my back if I needed some serious help.

I can't quite believe he's dead and gone forever - he had a direct cremation at his request which our sons arranged, and at this moment DS1 is abroad scattering the ashes. I'm trying not to ruminate on 'how things could have been different' and 'if only this and that' - the marriage was long and much of it unhappy, so that's why it ended, but it's hard not to have those 'if onlys'.

OP, very understandable you feel the way you feel. You’ve already said goodbye, but not in the way you have to say goodbye now.
It probably will be difficult to be there again, and meeting old friends and his family. Awkward too. That’s just the way it is. That’s not because of you, it’s the situation.

In hindsight I can see the awkwardness around my ex-h funeral was due to his sudden death, and therefore people were deeply stressed out and extremely sad. People see you as the ex, not as an important figure from the past or the only living parent of their gc/ niece/ nephew (and therefore still important).

It’s very important that you go. If not for you, it will be for your dc. It’ll be a hard day and I wish you all the best on the day and the period after that.

I think the siblings didn't want to anger their dad but the younger one always sent birthday and Christmas gifts via their mum. I have no idea about the adults but I expect my ex told them things that were untrue or didn't really mention our child.. the siblings are keen to make up for lost time now that they are adults.

I need to go to the funeral for me. I need to say my goodbyes and for it to feel real in a way. Dc doesn't have to go but wants to and the siblings want us both there. Ultimately it was up to my child if they went and they have said they want to.

I'm sorry to hear of the losses others have had

So was his siblings involved with their nephew prior to their brother death if not what was the reason that they couldn’t surly they didn’t have to wait for a death before coming involved at end of day if your not close with his family they are just as bad as him he’s a innocent child don’t matter what happened between yourselves they could still reach out so they could have contact with his son that’s of course if this is the case

Why was it awkward if you classified him as a best friend his wife must have been ok with the relationship that you both had so wouldn’t they know that you both was still involved in each other’s lives anyway so they should have expected to see you there and considering you have children with him

Yes very cowardly of the family to have to wait till his death before reaching out maybe if they spoke out about his poor behaviour as a father it might have kicked him into touch to have been a better father to his son but looks like having a relationship with the deceased was more favourable I wouldn’t want to even attend personally

It's been some months since I started this thread but in the last couple of weeks his death has really hit me. I'm not one to cry and I've had two major crying sessions in the last 2 weeks. It suddenly feels very real. Up until now there's been a lot of sorting out to do with his pension and some upset within the family but now that time has passed I feel very sad all of a sudden. There's so much hurt there from his cruel dismissal of our child but I find myself remembering how loved he made me feel when we were together. I felt so safe with him and content in the early days. I wish I could lay my head on his chest once more and feel his arms round me. I'm not even sure if that was the real him or just a persona because there were a lot of narcissistic traits there too the more I think about it but I also know he was probably autistic. There's a strong family history and it all fits. I don't think he ever meant to hurt me or our child. I think he was broken by his own life experiences and couldn't be the man he wanted to be. Well he could but he was inherently lazy and couldn't be arsed. He was all for the easy life and never made much effort but despite that I truly loved him and our time together. I still can't get my head around him being dead but he's gone and my grief over the last couple of weeks is recognition of that. It's shit.

Thank you MNHQ for moving this over.

Its OK to grieve and allow yourself pleny of time and space to process and feel sad. It sounds like a shift in emotions and I always say the first year gets worse before it gets better. I must also be incredibly hard to process the impact on your child of what could have been and should have been. Be gentle with yourself.

@Asswholes thank you. It's really taken me by surprise to be this upset months later.

I think you can grieve for the nice bits of the relationship and what the relationship should have been but also feel anger or resentment for the shit parts and him not being a great dad.

Grieve can hit you in the face when you least expect it. Even if it ‘just’ your ex-husband. It’s hard and rough. I experienced losing my ex-dh as very confusing and difficult, and I went into grief counselling. That was very necessary for me. Is that something you would consider for yourself?

My ex-dh died just over one a half years ago. Yesterday I was watching some series on Netflix, and a woman heard her ex-husband died from a heart attack. It was unexpected and it hit me hard. Wept all night.

Good to hear the storm is laying down a bit regarding to the family

I am going through this now.

@Catatonic86I am sorry you’re going through this too.

I have no experience, but remember when The Running Grave (Robert Galbraith/JK Rowling) came out, how many people on here related to Cormoran Strike’s grief over his ex, Charlotte. They went out for sixteen years. In the book he says he no longer loved her but there was still feelings to work through. I imagine that’s going to be the case for most of us who have split from a long-term partner. The weirdness comes from the conflict of what one is supposed to feel, but no-one can define that, exactly.

I’m finding things difficult again. The family who were all over my dc at the funeral and for a while afterwards have disappeared from our lives quickly as though they were never in it to start with. A grandmother, aunties, cousins, a sibling and their partner. It’s like we don’t exist. Well except for the sibling but I suspect that is more to do with the upcoming inheritance as my child is a way for them to receive more. It’s complicated but the sibling has made it clear they don’t really like my dc after a visit at Christmas so I haven’t got much time for them. subsequently my child isn’t bothered about them. I keep coming back to the fact the sibling was very much an adult when dc was born yet didn’t get in touch until I contacted them when my ex died. All this talk of us being family is bollocks.

Talk away if you need people to listen to, then we are here.

Your ex's family don't seem very pleasant.

You don't need to have any contact with any of the wider'family'. I'd go low or no contact, if they try to get back in touch.

Sibling sounds awful, keep them at very long arms length.

I’m not sure why I expected any different from the last years since dc was born. Almost a decade of no contact then wanting to play happy families. Come and visit us! It’s a long way and expensive on the train. No effort to visit us. I see where ex got the selfishness from now.

Its not uncommon for lots of promises and hopes to dissipate down the line. Dont take it personally. Might be best not to get hopes up for your DS - but if you do want to give him some context maybe its going to be one way and that you pop in if you re passing once every few years - thats for your DS benefit - not theirs. You have a lot to process - sounds like a very long and happy association over 30 years and then a huge disappointment when he cut out your DS - that must be very confusing for you to reconcile both of those deep emotions. be gentle with yourself. I dont undertsand how one of your DS half siblings will inherit more if your DS is in the picture? Have you taken independent legal advice?

The inheritance thing is complicated by lack of a will and his ex now owning the house. Whichever way it all works out, somebody will resent somebody and it’s likely to be my child and me.