How often to you visit someone’s grave?

[Piscesmumma1978]

Just that really. I’ve been going to my dads weekly since June and now it’s every fortnight.

Its just struck me that I don’t know how often I should go. I only really go for 10 minutes but feel like I should.

Thank you x

I think you go as often or as little as you find helpful to you.

My sister is buried somewhere inaccessible for me at a natural burial ground which is much far for me. I have no been there since she was buried

I do feels bad about if i think about it. She was only 33

But maybe for the best. I imagine maybe if she was round the corner I would be there every minute of every day

I think there is no right or wrong and you just got to do what is best for you

sending you much love

It depends whether it gives you comfort. I have never visited graves. It's just not something we do, as a family. I'd rather plant a rose bush in my garden and think of the person there. Something living that's near me and gives me pleasure. But I do know people who do like to visit graves and obviously get something out of it. There isn't a fixed amount of time you should do it though. Do what feels right for you.

You only go when you want to go. I think it's not right that you should feel obliged. Your loved one won't care. They would want whatever is best for you.

My dad died years ago but his grave is very far away. I haven't been there in over 15 years. I don't feel bad about that. My feeling is he's not really there now anyway.

My husband died 12 years ago aged 50. His ashes are buried about a mild away. I go on his birthday if I am at home, the anniversary of his death and have gone on our wedding anniversary occasionally.

He is daily in my head even though I am remarried.

My mum's ashes were scattered but there is a leaf dedicated to her at the hospice she died in. I will go on the anniversary of her death if I am around

It's a very personal thing and each person has to do what they think right. I have read of people not being able to arrange things on an anniversary which can be difficult. You can remember without putting everybody's lives on hold.

I don’t visit. I talk to my parents in my head a lot, and that’s how I feel close to them.

Went to visit my mum's today haven't been since march .. pop round to "visit" with extended family and tidy their memorials up a bit.

You go however much or however little you feel you want to. The amount of time spent at a graveside is not an indication of the relationship had with that person or how much they were loved.

There's no right or wrong answer to this. It's intensely personal. Some people take comfort in spending time at a grave, or where ashes are scattered. Others just...don't.

There really is, just you and your feelings about it, which may vhange over time.

go as often as you need too, but don't make it a chore. my DD's lost their dad last year and their visits are dwindling now, and tends to be more on special occasions or when they are having low points.

There is no should about this.

You do what brings you comfort, and that could be from every day to never.

I do not visit my OH's grave very much even though it is just down the lane. It does not give me comfort - TBH I can't help visualising his skeleton under the ground and that does nothing for me.

Whatever brings you comfort and helps you deal
with your grief. There is no right or wrong here

There is absolutely no right or wrong. Whatever feels right to you, whatever brings you the most comfort and peace. It's a deeply personal thing and there really isn't a rulebook.

I'm so sorry for your loss 💐

Thank you all. I think I needed to hear all of your replies today 🥰 I think I’ll start going when I want to go rather then if I feel I should x

"Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep..."
Go when you want to go. I don't visit my parent's grave, I don't feel the need. I feel closest to my mum when I'm working in the garden. Or singing with my dc (mum played guitar, and we used to sing together, and I do the same with my dc, quite often ds will fetch my guitar for me, and we'll have an impromptu singsong). But her graveside has no meaning for me. For others it helps them feel close, or gives them quiet reflection, or brings comfort. Grief has no time limits, it has no rules, it's as individualistic as our finger prints, just do whatever works for you. .

It's such a personal thing and different for everyone, my mil died 6 years ago , my dh had a wonderful relationship with her and he only goes on her birthday and Mother's Day .

I changed my job and now work across the road from where my best friend is so luckily can visit her every day. Wasn't able to at my last job so any visit is lovely 🥰

I’ve never visited a grave. It’s just remains not the person. People live on in your head

My Mum is buried 60 miles from me in my home town. I have been to her grave once in 14 years because I don't think of her there, to me she is in my memories which we bring to life when we talk about her or look at photos of her or video. My Dad goes to her grave every week because it brings him comfort.

I talk to my Mum out loud or in my head if there are other people around, she is with me, around me, even though she has never stepped foot in this house, we moved in after she had died.

Do what feels right for you, you don't need to schedule anything unless it fits in with your life.

I haven’t been to my dad’s grave since the funeral three years go, despite it being close to the family home. It means nothing to me, he is not at rest there. He has gone. But I think about him every day. I listen to his favourite songs and have his picture by the kitchen sink. I bought a ring shortly after he died and I wear it to the big events in my life, to me it represents him. Sometimes I wear it and go for a drive around his favourite places. I wear it when I need to I suppose.

My wife was cremated so no grave. But her ashes are with her dad's. I visit every couple of days just to make sure the flowers are ok. I lost her in January so still very fresh in my mind, maybe this will reduce but I still like her having fresh flowers.

But there are no rules. You go whenever it suits you, no-one else.

I haven't visited my parent's grave since my mother died in 2018. She's buried with my father and I hadn't visited this grave since he died 25 years before. But I didn't have any good feeling towards them so I'm not wasting my time visiting.

I haven’t been to my dad’s. I know my stepmother goes about twice a year at least - she lives closer but also, is more comforted by visiting. For me I talk to him in my head and think about him. Being in a memorial garden isn’t where I see him and remember him. We are in Cornwall now and as a family holidays here were a massive part of my childhood (as well as his whole life). So I think about him more here because I remember the things we did as a family here.

Most people who have died in recent years don't have a grave, tbh. But it's your choice - never is fine, if that's what works best for you.

I visit my fathers grave maybe twice a year, Christmas and birthday perhaps. But not because I think he is there. Mostly it is an opportunity to go with a family member and share time thinking about/ honouring him. We could do that anywhere. Visiting the grave just provides a pretext. So there are no rules at all. Whatever works for you.

Absolutely this. After my dad died and was buried 3 years ago I felt a real need to visit his grave, for about a year I went at least every week, it then started to spread out and the need lessened, I go about once a month now. My mum, who was extremely happily married to him for over 60 years, goes much less often, she doesn't get much of a sense of comfort from being there, whereas I do. On his birthday and anniversary of his death as many of his children and grandchildren who can and who want to, visit the grave together.