My dad is dying

[Bloom15]

I don't even know why I am typing this - I just need to u burden myself.

My lovely dad was diagnosed with liver cancer in 2018 and were told with therapy he should last 10 years. His scan last year was no change.

He has had symptoms last couple of months and we've now been told his cancer is advanced and his liver is more tumours than liver and now his bowel is compromised.

We have been told he has days left. He doesn't t know as when he was told nothing could be done he went into shock. He is such a wonderful man and encouraged me my whole life. He is kind, thought and wouldn't hurt anyone.

Me and my mum are devastated and my son is 8 and loves him so much. It's not fair and I don't know how to cope

I lost my Dad in May to pancreatic/liver cancer - 2 weeks from when he was first diagnosed to his death. We're all still in a sense of disbelief.

Take care OP and yes it really is a case of one day at a time. It's an awful thing to go through but you'll find strength you didn't know you had

Oh and Mumsnetters were a huge support at the darkest times so keep posting

So very sorry. My own lovely daddy died when I was in my early twenties in a similar way. Just be with him and love each other. The love will last through the decades. My dad is with me every day and gives me comfort even now over 30 years later 💙

Hi - I am in a very similar situation. My dad also has days left. It is a cruel disease. I don’t have any words of wisdom as I have no idea how I will navigate this myself without him, but I wanted to send love and solidarity.

I lost my dad just over two years ago to pancreatic cancer. It was all very quick, about six weeks from diagnosis to death. It still makes me cry when I think of him and those last few weeks and days were tough. But it is getting easier and I had the privilege and of being with him right to the end, holding his hand. Be kind to yourself. Sending big virtual hugs xxx

Sorry that you are going through this. When my parents were dying I found it useful to read ‘With the End in Mind’ by Dr Kathryn Mannix. It is strangely comforting. Wishing you all the best in this difficult time.

I'm so sorry OP, it's a horrible situation and harder when you have to think of others as well.

Apologies if inappropriate, but with regards to some practical points which may be of help... do you have support from Marie Curie? You mentioned a bereavement nurse, but I'm not sure what they offer exactly. We had wonderful support from Marie Curie night nurses who were invaluable during my Dad's last few nights.

Is all paperwork in order on terms of internet banking access, other statements etc. I'm sorry you may well be past that point by now and I don't wish to be insensitive.

Please also be aware grief makes people act in different ways. As the closest to her, my mum lashed out at me in some truly awful ways. I wish I'd been more prepared for that aspect.

Thanks all - your kind words mean a lot. I go from feeling numb to crying/despair

I’m so sorry you are going through this.
My believed Daddy died on 7th July. He had oesophageal cancer, he had the op and we thought all was well but it recurred and went to his liver. We learned it recurred early May so he went downhill very quickly.
If at all possible could he be moved to a hospice for his last days? So much better than a hospital. You can stay 24/7, he will have his own room and they are much more experienced in end of life care.

I second this, great book.

He has a private room in hospital and they said we can come and go as we please and me and my mum stayed the other night. The staff are all so lovely, especially a young HCA. She seems to have taken a shine to my dad. Which I understand, he is so kind and always says thank you to all the staff.

So sorry for you and your family. I lost my dad to cancer too.

Deal with the practical stuff. Get a will sorted and find out if he wants buried or cremated etc. and make sure your mum knows where all the bank accounts, building society accounts, pensions, insurances, memberships, and policies are kept and what companies they are with and renewal dates passwords etc.

If she doesn't have much in earnings or savings she will be entitled to benefits to bring her up to just over £200 a week.

Once you've done the practical stuff you can spend the rest of the time you have left doing what he feels up to. Take family videos if you want to while he is still reasonably ok.

Sorry OP.

I am sorry @DeliciousApples. My mum doesn't want to bring that type of thing up with him as he doesn't realise that he doesn't have long left.

He went into shock when he was told no action they could do

Take some videos so you can listen to his voice later. These days we all have loads of photos but video still very precious.

i do second the practical stuff as knowing which funeral director to call, that he wanted to be cremated, even down to what he wanted for funeral hymns, readings etc was really useful.

From your description he doesn’t sound quite that close to the end of life, but they can deteriorate very quickly. He sounds like my Dad was about 3 weeks before.

I get that your mum doesn't want to discuss this stuff but if he doesn't have a will and she doesn't know what policies there are etc then it'll end up costing you for probate etc. and you could lose out on money you're sue because you aren't aware of a particular policy etc.

Perhaps your mum could approach it along the lines of

"I'm shredding all our old bank statements etc and getting MY paperwork up to date. I'm going to do MY will so the children don't have any expensive probate costs etc to get whatever I leave them should the worst happen. You should too. Once we've both done then then we don't need to worry. It'll be a weight off MY mind".

ie make it about her and what's best for the children and he should too.

There is never a good time to do this stuff. Never. My pal was the same. It cost them £1k to sort it all out just so they could get what he wanted then to get. It's disgraceful.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

My Dad went into shock too. He barely spoke to us once he'd been diagnosed - unfortunately he passed 3 weeks after his diagnosis. We didn't ask him about anything to do with 'after' it didn't even occur to me. I was just concerned about him getting the right care because he was just sent home with no aftercare, we weren't even told what to expect with his condition. Luckily my Mum did already know his wishes so we didn't need to have the discussion.

Just so what feels right and spend as much time together as you can.

It’s awful, I do sympathise. My Dad died last year after being diagnosed with a brain tumour. The only thing I could kind of comfort myself with was that this is the natural cycle of things. It is a difficult time for all of you. Try and sort out practical stuff now if you can at all, make sure you know any internet passwords etc as it is a bit of a palaver to sort stuff later. My sympathies to you.

Thank you and sorry for your loss.

It's hard - they have said he can have clear, thin soup. So I brought in some chicken broth. He had the whole flask today and it really seemed to perk him up!

I am happy he is feeling better but still heartbroken as I know it won't last. But it was nice to see. And he told my son an infamous tale from when he was a boy! My son idolises my dad

I really would record him when he tells those stories so you can both listen to it again and again.

@HalfasleepChrisintheMorning I recorded it. He was made up telling my son and my son loved it

How are things @Bloom15 ?
xxx

Hi @HalfasleepChrisintheMorning

It has been a rollercoaster!

My dad really improved and ended up having a stoma fitted. We were all so hopeful. But last couple of days he has taken a turn for the worse and his tumour is causing a number of issues. They think he has days to weeks. Hoping he can get into a hospice.

My mum has been staying here a lot. Had to tell DS, which was heartbreaking.

Thanks for asking- I appreciate it

Hi Bloom. My dad passed away almost 3 weeks ago, so I do understand, I have his funeral the week after next and I'm doing my best to look after my mum which is tricky as she loves 200 miles away. Make sure you are taking care of you too xx

My wonderful dad passed away this morning. I am heartbroken

So sorry for your loss