Best friend’s DH has died by suicide

[MissRabbitsCV]

My best friend’s DH died by suicide yesterday. What on earth can we do to make things better for her? She has young DC. It’s so awful we just want to help but how?

That’s awful, sorry for your loss.

I would start with taking some food around to her, offer to take the DC to school if you are able to or if they are still going. Help with the basics for her and her DC to function because I would think those things will be difficult for her at the moment. .Listen to her if she wants to talk about it.

Assuming she has family around her right now, just let her know you are thinking of her and she can call you day or night. If she wants a walk, to get out the house, you to take the kids, anything dropped in to just let you know.

Be there when others move on with their lives and she is stuck in grief, it could take her years to start to rebuild her life, the best friends are the ones that are there for the longhaul of grief.

I’m so sorry, OP. You being there for her will be a big help. You know her best, but let her know you will help in whatever way she needs and don’t wait to be asked, she’s going to be overwhelmed. Practical help - making sure there’s food, particularly that the kids will eat, maybe taking them out for a bit, giving her space to feel whatever she needs to without worrying about upsetting her DC, all will help. You can phone the various helplines as well for advice on how to support people in this position - you don’t have to have been bereaved yourself (although you have been of course), they will talk to you about what you can do. Winston’s Wish is a great source of info on child bereavement, they have a helpline, and the usual bereavement charities, or Samaritans will listen and can also signpost to useful sources of support. Bereavement following suicide is really complicated and it’s so kind of you to be there for your friend.

I think that as she and her children will be totally identifiable by the post one way to help would be by not posting about it online.

Surely they will only be identifiable to people who are already aware of the situation.

I think with any bereavement all you can do is be there to listen and comfort. Aside from that help do the basic day to day things, meals, cups of tea, etc etc.

No one will be able to fix this or make it significantly better, give them time and space to process but let them know you are there to do whatever you can.

Unlikely! My children's dad died under the same circumstances this week.

There are well over 5000 deaths by suicide each year, around 3/4 of them male.

Sadly it is far too common to be identifying.

No immediate advice, OP, except to set yourself a subtle phone reminder for about 50 weeks’ time. Lots of people will (hopefully) support her for the anniversary of his death, but quiet support in the weeks before will be meaningful.

Sorry for your loss.

Someone committed suicide on the main railway line between Bristol and London today.
Unfortunately, suicide is way too common.

Yes that's what identifiable means and it causes harm.

Lots of people come to this board looking for support and comfort. Imagine the devastation of discovering a thread of people talking about you and your family. Would you ever trust the person who did that to you?

You start with asking her - "What can I/we do?"
It's the best place to start.

I am so sorry to hear that.

Sadly that’s likely to be far from the case, and I’m fairly sure she’s not sitting reading mumsnet.

A warm hug that is the best thing

@TudorFrameHouse - suicide is the biggest killer of men under 40 in the UK so this is - unfortunately? - not even slightly outing.

OP - she’s your best friend? Just go round. Give her a hug. Keep going round. Take food. Casually clean her house. Just be there. You’ll work out what she needs as you muddle along.

Come on, we don't even know if the OP is in the UK.

Be prepared for anger at some point. A friend's son committed suicide over Christmas one year. Friend's DH, when I went straight round, said if the son walked in now he's smash his face in for what he had done to his mother.

This was me 5 years ago.

The utmost thing u can do is not to act like it's done after the funeral. 5 years on, I'm lonely. I'm awkward at occasions (Xmas, Father's Day) and celebrations (school plays, family meals) because he should be there. Remembering that and being supportive is by far the BEST thing you can do long term.

Right now...The best thing my friends did was to help take care of the kids - do the nursery and school runs, distract them, feed them and occupy them. That helped more than anything else because I was in a daze.

It's a long road to recovery - a recovery which never truly comes. Life is good now, but still heartbreaking.

I wouldn't if the thread had been started for gossip or titillation, but the OP is just asking how she can best help her friend.

There’s not really annything identifiable in the post! No ages, genders or locations. Unfortunately there are about 17 suicides a day in the UK, most male, and it’s not uncommon for there to be children and spouses involved. But the OP hasn’t even said they’re in the UK. It’s not identifiable and even if it was, asking how to help is hardly insensitive. Several years ago a friend of mine posted on a Facebook group asking for advice on how to support a friend who’d been sexually assaulted, I knew that they meant me but I wasn’t upset, I thought it was kind of my friend that they wanted to try and help.

Unfortunately I don't think they will

Imagine being so ignorant about the extent of mental health issues that you think saying someone with children commited suicide makes it identifiable who you are talking about…

I think I would send a message saying you are thinking about her. Offer practical help if she would like it. Does she has support from family? If not, maybe be more proactive.

Just let her know you’re there for her and keep checking in. Be prepared she might not reposed but she will appreciate knowing you’re there.

@TudorFrameHouse stop derailing the thread. If by some minute chance the woman whose DH died does find out about this thread, surely she wouldn't be upset by her friend trying to find out the best way to support her?