Best friend’s DH has died by suicide

[MissRabbitsCV]

My best friend’s DH died by suicide yesterday. What on earth can we do to make things better for her? She has young DC. It’s so awful we just want to help but how?

For the benefit of some of the commentators, I have it on good authority from somebody that has experienced the loss of more than one loved one to suicide that reference to "committing" suicide is considered offensive.

It's only a word to many, but just changing the language used could mean a lot to someone else.

She may not have the capacity to tell you what she needs right now, and asking might add undue pressure. She'll probably be in shock. So think for her instead, she's your best friend, tell her what you're going to do for her so she doesn't have to think for you.

Cook dinner, school run, childcare, make a cup of tea, give her a hug, washing, cleaning, kids bedtime, anything practical.

I went through this, my BFF DH. They had 4yo at the time and were living with my BFFs family. Awful experience to go through. They'd been together about 18yrs. The whole family will be hurting. Your friend's parents, friend's siblings too probably.

Tell her you are here for her. Remind her she is loved, they all are. And remember the special dates like his birthday, their anniversary, a couple of weeks before the anniversary of this.

I'm so sorry your friend and you are going through this too.

The best advice I received when asking the same question about a suddenly bereaved friend was from the same person I mentioned in my previous post.

Don't ask her what you can do to help, because she won't know herself what she wants/needs and people usually trot out that line and then do nothing proactive. Just be present and take your cues from her as they appear.

Absolutely. And also - find out how his death is being referred to with the children so you can be consistent for them too. Be succinct and open, honest but age appropriate. Daddy died (not passed away). Follow the family's lead. Take advice from Winston's Wish.

I lost a friend last Saturday to the same- . Make sure she has food and household items to get the next weeks. Don't tell her to ask for what she needs because she doesn't know and she won't ask.

Offer to stay the night with her, tonight or any night, the night times can seem so long and so lonely. Just knowing someone else is in the house with her could be some sort of comfort x

Of course they aren't. Sadly, many people take their lives every day.

This was me 13yrs ago

I had great friends. Still do. Many aren't so lucky

Tbh she won't know what she wants at the moment so rather then asking - maybe say. I will cook a meal. I will take kids to school. I'm here for you. I can get you some shopping.

Give her a big cuddle. Let her cry laugh , talk .sit in silence etx

Talk to her.

Do speak about her husband

I can come and sit with you. We don't have to say anything but I'm here if you want to talk

Equally as time passes remember her - life stops for her but continues for others

My whole world crumbled overnight and heart shattered into a million pieces

And I still say committed suicide. I'm not offended by the term

It really doesn't matter how you say it. We lose the love of our lives and life is never the same

But as time goes on it does get easier. Time helps. We learn to cope as no choice - have to

Winstons wish is good for children

Way and sobs two groups she may like to contact

Listen. Let her speak freely if she wishes. Offer practical help, taking meals round, offering to.have the children, staying over etc. Don't offer platitudes etc. When funeral is over, the grief doesn't stop. It a terrible thing to experience. The language around suicide might have changed but the impact on those left behind hasn't.

To all of you have responded to this post, thank you for taking the time to do so and for sharing your advice and thoughts.

To those of you who have criticized me for posting, please know that I thought about it and really don’t believe that there is anything identifying in this post. Even if my friend or someone connected to her decided it was about her (unlikely) then what harm is done? She will know that all of us around her are so very sad for her and just wanting to do the best we can to support her.

Mumsnet is surely a place where we go to seek advice and share experiences and I am so grateful to those who have responded. We have taken it all on board. To those of you who have personal experience of this awful thing I'm sending unmumsnetty hugs.

Yep, around 15 people in the UK die of suicide each day.

I don’t think that is great advice to be honest. I lost my fiancé many years ago (not by suicide but another type of sudden death) and the last thing I wanted to do was to have to think about giving people ‘jobs’ to help. Also it’s human nature not to want to be an imposition so she is unlikely to decline any vague offers of ‘what can I do’

OP my advice would be just take care of anything practical that you can be it looking for paperwork amongst her DH’s possessions, feeding her children or just being with them while she takes some time for herself even if just for half an hour. She will be in shock and running on autopilot for quite some time so whatever practical things you can take off her hands would be ideal.

We are in a not-parallel but also awful situation at the moment. Food is more helpful than I would ever have imagined. Company is also so good. Go round and clear all the surfaces and wash up. Take frivolous food too. Empty the bins. Water the plants.

if you can, maybe take all the laundry home and return it done?

You sound like a thoughtful and compassionate friend @MissRabbitsCV.

Your friend and her dc will find the next 6 months tough. She may not know what she wants or even find it comfortable to even ask.

Things I found helpful were friends who still keep in touch with me regularly - those that send a text to say that they are thinking of me, who remember his anniversary and birthday, Fathers' day and Christmas. Who don't expect an immediate answer, those who offer to come over or invite me for coffee to be a friendly ear are worth their weight in gold.

Also, please don't be afraid to say his name either or bring up a memory to share. A lot of people don't want to do that for fear of upsetting the bereaved - but you won't as we never forget our lost loved ones.

Let her know that you are there for her to listen, to cry, to shout and be a shoulder for her to lean on.

When someone close dies, there are friends and even family members who back away, but there are also friends who step up and become more closer. She will most likely find this hard to deal with too.

It's absurd to say that this post is identifying. I lost five friends in the last year to suicide, all men in their 20s or 30s.

OP I hope you're doing OK, and your friend. When my friend's fiancé died by suicide last year I took their dog for a few weeks and looked after their toddler and baby when needed - I think practical help plus making it clear you're there to talk whenever they want is really all you can do x

I saw something about grief groceries today.

harrisonfuneralhome.co.uk/how-to-help-someone-recently-bereaved-grief-groceries/

One of the things they mention is not asking the bereaved person to make decisions

Can people please not use the phrase "commit suicide"? That became outdated many years ago, and dying by suicide is not a crime.

You can’t make things better but not discussing her situation on social media where it can be picked up by the media might be a good start.

The media doesn't report on suicides.

The media reports on what it wants to report on. They might not use the word suicide but they are easy to spot in the newspapers. Totally crass to discuss a friends loss on mumsnet.

This happened to my best friend. Just be there for her and the kids. We took the kids away because she didn't want to be in the house. You don't have to talk (take her lead) but I know she really appreciated that I dropped everything and just came to be with her and the kids x

Food, looking after the kids, talk, but most of all go do practical stuff. When you go and see her, put the kettle on and bring lunch and clean up fully after. Bring cereal, milk and tea bags.

Make a full meal that at most they only need to heat up. Don't offer say you are doing it, she will say if she has someone else covering it.

Keep doing this for as long as you can, she will say when she no longer needs it or needs it as much.

Where the phrase doesn't bother me

It's words - words can't hurt or cause pain

Nothing is worse then the pain that your dh (or dw) killing theirselves and you finding them

As someone who lost their partner to suicide last year, the only thing you can do than be there when they reach out and maybe offer help with practical things like food, shopping etc. 😔

Please also tell her about the charity Grief Encounter. They are expert and excellent at supporting bereaved children.