Would you be upset?

[Flowery57]

I am really struggling with this and would welcome your views or advice.
5 years ago I lost my daughter very suddenly and am heartbroken. My daughter has 2 lovely boys. The eldest was 21 when we lost her and on having to arrange her funeral, I talked to him about what he would like to do. So he really made the decisions with our help and support and suggestions from our rector.
I knew my sister was unhappy about it but she did not speak to me at all during the day then before she left she told me she never wanted to see me again. Her children have also cut me out.
My daughter continues to see my sister and I feel so hurt by this that it is now causing awful problems between us as I feel she should support me and not my sister and am constantly so upset by this. How do I ever get over it?

Thank you so much to everyone who has commented. It has been so helpful. I think what has brought it up again for me is that I discovered that my daughter had met my sister for lunch recently and it is just so hurtful.
I need to get over this somehow as it is affecting my relationship with my daughter. Thank you again for the thoughtful and helpful suggestions x

You say your sister is controlling? Is she often quite manipulative?

She had no right to interfere in the funeral plans, her role should have been to support you, not make it about her.

If she is manipulative, I suspect she is trying to get into your daughter's head, maybe as an attempt to indirectly attack you.

The best thing you can do is to say to your daughter, "I find it upsetting that you see her, but it is up to you. I don't need to hear about it though ".

Boundaries in place, don't mention it to your daughter again. You may find your sister backs off if she isn't getting a reaction.

I think she is very controlling. As a child she bullied me and I have often felt apprehensive around her. I have told my daughter that I don’t want to know if she meets up with my sister but this time I discovered it and just found it so hurtful .
I think that is good advice to keep my boundaries in place and I hope to deal with it better in the future.