Would you be upset?

[Flowery57]

I am really struggling with this and would welcome your views or advice.
5 years ago I lost my daughter very suddenly and am heartbroken. My daughter has 2 lovely boys. The eldest was 21 when we lost her and on having to arrange her funeral, I talked to him about what he would like to do. So he really made the decisions with our help and support and suggestions from our rector.
I knew my sister was unhappy about it but she did not speak to me at all during the day then before she left she told me she never wanted to see me again. Her children have also cut me out.
My daughter continues to see my sister and I feel so hurt by this that it is now causing awful problems between us as I feel she should support me and not my sister and am constantly so upset by this. How do I ever get over it?

Why was your sister upset?

Did she say why she never wanted to see you again? And what was the relationship like before the passing of your daughter?

surely funeral arrangements are the most minor part of the situation you’re in?! I would have let her son pick as well btw.

So sorry for your loss x

So your lovely daughter died and you encouraged her eldest son, your grandson, to be involved in the arrangements for the funeral and as a result your sister isn't speaking to you. Is that right? What reason does she give for this? She should've been your biggest support at such a terrible time. For her to not speak to you on the day of the funeral is absolutely unforgivable.

@Flowery57 so sorry about your loss x

am a bit confused about:

5 years ago I lost my daughter very suddenly and am heartbroken

My daughter continues to see my sister

So I'm presuming 2 daughters?

And your 2nd daughter still sees your sister - who refuses any contact with you?

I'm not sure that your daughter is taking any side by still seeing your sister if she's still seeing you too? Presuming that your daughter is an adult? And she still has her usual contact with you? You don't say if she has or not?

It's hard when we feel that people should support us and they don't.

But we shouldn't really expect others to feel the same way about disagreements as we do ourselves and to take one side or the other? It's not their argument or disagreement.

I don't know the reasons why your daughter still continues to see your sister - maybe it's to keep the lines of communication between you open in the future? Or because she doesn't want to get involved and is just trying to keep the peace? Or because she can understand both points of view?

Have you spoken to your daughter about the way you feel?

Don’t understand any of this?

I don’t understand what the funeral arrangements would have to do with your sister - your deceased daughters Aunt?

Yes 2 daughters and my eldest daughter passed away. I have told my younger daughter how I feel so she knows. Thank you for taking time to reply to me.

I think it's such a difficult place for you to be in!

Did your younger daughter explain why she still sees your sister?

Yes she is my daughters Aunt.
I know that my daughter would have wanted her sons to do what they wanted. It is hard as you only get a few weeks to plan a funeral and we did our best. It was beautiful. In the circumstances our rector suggested a very small group of us at the chapel as my grandson found it all so overwhelming. My youngest grandson only came to the celebration of his mums life which was held in the afternoon, which everyone was invited.
My sister has always been very controlling. I know there is no way forward from this as I can’t ban my younger daughter from seeing my sister. I just find it painful.

Was your sister not included in the small group?

I knew my sister was unhappy about it but she did not speak to me at all during the day then before she left she told me she never wanted to see me again. Her children have also cut me out.

On the day of your daughter's funeral your sister told you she never wanted to see you again? That's dreadful of her. That was not the time or place for that regardless of how she was feeling.

Perhaps your daughter is hoping to be a link to one day bring the two of you back together somehow? Perhaps she wants to maintain a relationship with her cousins so accepts the mother as a consequence of that? Could you talk to your daughter to understand her reasons?

Given the sister's reaction I suspect she was not included in the small group and that was just OP, her younger daughter and the bereaved children.

I think you've missed out the bit why your sister is upset! Was she not invited to the funeral?

Op states "before she left", so I assume she was at the funeral and her behaviour was dreadful.

I knew my sister was unhappy about it
What was she unhappy about? This is a very important missing piece of the problem, and this thread will go nowhere unless you can explain it.

My sister was but we could not include my daughter’s cousins as we would have had to completely rethink what my grandson wanted to do. He could not cope with a lot of people in the chapel.

Ah, so your sister was upset because her own children were excluded from the funeral?

I can see both sides here. You let your Grandson do what was best which excluded his mother’s cousins, your sister was upset because her children were excluded, and you were grieving and stuck in the middle.
Your sister shouldn’t be punishing you for your Grandsons actions, however, the thing that hurt most families the most during covid was being excluded from funerals, so I think it’s natural your sister feels that pain, although not kind that she has completely cut you off. Your other daughter is probably stuck in the middle in a different way. What did your other daughter think about the cousins being excluded? Did she think they should have been there?

Thank you for replying. My sister and family live 4 hours away from us so the cousins do not see a lot of each other. My daughter sadly took her own life so we were (still are) traumatised.
I know that my daughter would be happy that her son was able to do what he felt he could cope with and that would give him some peace. I could not force him into a situation that he felt unable to cope with just to please my sister. My daughter’s youngest son did not go to the chapel as he was so upset and frightened. He did come with us to the celebration of his mummy’s life in the afternoon, which was much more uplifting and celebrated the life of my kind and gentle girl. So both her boys were more able to cope.
I think my younger daughter thinks we should have invited everyone to the chapel regardless.

@Flowery57 you've done nothing wrong, I'm sorry all this has happened.

I don't think you can change your DDs mind, unfortunately.

I'm so sorry

So sorry for your loss.

Perhaps a letter would help? So the reasoning behind what happened can be fully appreciated now the sad day is over.

You could both even put some message in it.

Such a sad situation.

Your sister has behaved appallingly badly. I'm so, so sorry for your dreadful loss.

I am so sorry for your loss.

And I am sorry that you have also fallen out with your sister.

However, don't put your daughter in the middle of the fall out. She really doesn't need to pick one of you. And trying to get her to, might just end up with your relationship with your dd being very strained.

Your sister is selfish and cruel. I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter and of the breakdown of the relationship with your sister. Your grief must be very painful. I hope she comes to you on bended knee with an apology at some point.

So you lost a daughter, two lads lost their Mom, and your sister is making it about the nieces and nephews losing an aunt.

If she can't see that young men losing a mother is a priority over young adults losing an aunt, then that's on her, not you.

As for your daughter,you just have to not engage. Don't ask about it, change the subject if she mentions it. Consider it akin to her sex life. You don't want to know. You don't need to know. It happens but you aren't going to think about it.

I'm sorry for your loss and it sounds like you did the funeral how it needed to be done

It sounds a very difficult situation, I’m sorry you have been through so much. Feelings are bound to be raw on all sides, I agree with the pp who said maybe a letter could help. Although you really shouldn’t have to run to your sister, after already losing so much.
Your daughter is being unfair to you that she is in effect standing by your sisters decision, but she may come to that conclusion herself in time. You aren’t going to change her opinion if she believes they should have been there.

You have done right by your Grandson which is what would have been right for his mother, you haven’t done anything wrong. Your sister sounds very cruel to be so hurtful during such a painful time for you. If the cousins had all been close I think your sisters feelings would have been more understandable, but as they weren’t that close it does sound extremely petty of her.

I think you should concentrate on yours and your Grandsons healing. Let your other daughter make her own decisions, and for now try and forget about your sister. You need supportive people around you, and your sister has proved she isn’t capable of that.